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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD friend to hang around us

251 replies

Unforgiving2 · 23/03/2018 11:57

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/03/2018 20:47

Poor girl, she's the one I feel for, her parents sound useless. Ok you can't be there everytime, but bloody hell make an effort sometimes or once in a while. She's going to remember this when she is older and it might affect her.

Juells · 23/03/2018 20:52

Ok you can't be there everytime, but bloody hell make an effort sometimes or once in a while.

But isn't the whole point that she (OP) has done it every time? She's not the child's mother.

Juells · 23/03/2018 20:53

OOPS, sorry Aeroflotgirl, just realise I totally misread your post Blush

Jackyjill6 · 23/03/2018 21:17

If they used to come, but not recently, I wonder what has changed for the adults?

Health problems? Tight budget so not wanting to spend extra on lunch at cafe?

Not suggesting this as your responsibility at all OP, just trying to think of a different perspective to 'they are taking the p... '

Fruitcorner123 · 23/03/2018 21:22

I know this doesn't help but these kind of stories make me so sad. I LOVE having one to one time with my DC. It's so sad that there are parents out there who don't feel that way and see it as eating into their weekend. There are others who would give anything to have time with their children like this but can't for whatever reason or can't have the children to spend time with in the first place. I know you can't say anything for the girl's sake but really wish someone told them what self centred arses they are.

Fruitcorner123 · 23/03/2018 21:24

jackyjill6 they give their daughter lunch money and wouldn't have to eat themselves so I doubt its financial.

incywincybitofa · 23/03/2018 21:37

If it's tomorrow then I hope you have come up with something either a note to the parents or the coaches.

SecondaryConfusion · 23/03/2018 21:41

Hang on, even the 30min of one-to-one practice at this activity is one-to-two for you because this girl joins in with you? Do the coaches assume another parent will help out or has it happened by default as your DDs know each other?

I would have a word with the coach and ask them to arrange for someone else to spend that 30min with the girl - if no parent is there for her, they can either pair her up with a coach or rotate her round other parents. If they are the ones ensuring she has a partner, then the girl will not be left standing therre waiting to join you.

I really feel sorry for her, but I also feel sorry for your DD and think you should put your own DD first. As a one-off it would be ok to include someone else, but this other girls parents are clearly expecting you to pick up their slack and it’s not on.

SecondaryConfusion · 23/03/2018 21:43

Also if the coaches cantboairbhwr up with someone else, they need to be making it clear to the parents that the extra time (both 30min and lunch) is only available if a parent or career attends. Otherwise pick up at normal time.

MrsCrabbyTree · 23/03/2018 22:31

I feel sad for the little girl but agree she should not encroach of your time with your DD.

In your shoes I would have a chat with my DD and she how she feels about it. Discuss the whole situation and explain why you allow the little girl to join you. Your DD may rather have a kind and compassionate mother than the one-on-one time.

Although I would get the coach to run interference while playing and only eat together. Surely there has to be another adult or older siblings to join in playing with the girl so it's not all left up to you.

incywincybitofa · 24/03/2018 00:18

MrsCrabby I believe the OP has already shown her daughter she has a kind and compassionate mother, and the daughter might NEED the 1:1 time with her mum

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 13:31

Juells, I was referring to the child's parents, and posters who had said, well parents could be working and can't always be there. That they are lying to her, which is really low of them. No of course its not op responsibility, but the parent's.

Original poster
Unforgiving2 · 24/03/2018 16:40

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses. They really helped me.

The performance was today, so when I dropped DD off, as usual they were waiting outside. As their DD got out I asked them if they were coming back later for the show etc. They said no, their DD does not like performing in front of them. I sent the girls in so they wouldn't hear and said to her parents well what about the 1:1 and lunch? They said no, DD doesn't want us to. I said that's not the impression I get, and suggested if they really not coming they spoke to the coach and let them know as otherwise DD would be alone and unsupervised. The mum got a bit defensive and asked where I would be? So I said oh I'll be there but I promised DD we would do 1:1 and lunch just us two as it's really important to us. They looked a bit irritated and drove off.

So lo and behold they didn't turn up and after performance she came over to us. I spoke discreetly to coach who looked really pissed off with me and made me feel like an absolute shit. She basically said choices were me having her or she would call her parents to collect her there and then. I couldn't go through with it so ended up with girl being with us. To make matters worse at lunchtime she had no money and asked me to lend her the money, which I obviously did.

The girl has no idea there is an issue and I ensured I was friendly etc but my DD, although polite, was irritated. I have arranged to take DD for brunch next weekend but I feel like I let her down.

Fed up, whatever I do is wrong. I have managed to piss off girls parents, the coach, and worst of all my DD.

OP posts:
lakeshoreliving · 24/03/2018 16:49

You did a series of good things, trying to get the parents to take responsibility for their child, highlighting to the coach that parenting the child wasn't your responsibility and finally being kind to a child who had been let down by their parents. You can be clear with the coach before the next event that you are not doing it again.
I was often this child growing up and I am embarrassed looking back on how often other parents fed me and took care of me after I had been dropped somewhere with no food or money. At the time I was hungry and grateful.

GreenTulips · 24/03/2018 16:52

You should've called the coach put on it and asked her to call the girl's parents.

You did a good deed, but your child is suffering because of her friends parents attitude.

Graphista · 24/03/2018 16:52

Wtf! So now they're being even MORE cheeky fuckers expecting you to PAY for their dds lunch!

And complain about the coach - she had no right to put the onus on you you're not this child's parent.

Enough pussy footing, tell these parents you are not their substitute and they need to parent THEIR child.

Cheeky bastards!!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/03/2018 16:54

The problem there was that you didn't piss off the girl's parents enough. You should have let the coach phone.

You have shown them that they can do anything and you will always back down. You need to correct this.

If it were me now I would be stomping round to their house to demand lunch money back and tk say how very fucking dare you.

If their daughter hears, all the better. It is shit to be a child with shit parents and all the adults close ranks to pretend your parents are good. It is a form of gaslighting that fucks with the minds of vulnerable children.

If you don't have the nerve, maybe your DH will do it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/03/2018 16:58

You say whatever I do is wrong

No. Not following through was wrong. Not doing what you said you would do was wrong.

Your logic for what makes you be wrong is bad too I have managed to piss off girls parents, the coach, and worst of all my DD. People being pissed off does not mean you have done wrong. When you stop being a doormat people get extremely pissed off because them having to deal with their own shit pisses them off tremendously.

LookyLooky · 24/03/2018 17:01

Fed up, whatever I do is wrong

You didn’t do anything wrong except, perhaps, giving in to the coach pressurising you to mind the friend.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 24/03/2018 17:03

I feel really sorry for this girl. Her parents are shit.
I would definitely make sure you do one on one time with your dd, and I would be really pissed off with the parents and the coach tbh. I don't think I could exclude this girl though, at the end of the day it's her whose going to suffer and it's her who will feel like no one wants her. Her parents quite clearly can't be arsed and she's probably feeling sad enough as it is. I would expect equal of a man tbh it's not a sexism thing.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 24/03/2018 17:05

The coach should have phoned her parents from day one tbh, letting it get this far is what s hard because the girl probably expects you to take care of Her, whilst if the coach had phoned the parents at the start then the girls would just expect her parents.

diddl · 24/03/2018 17:12

What is the set up with lunch after the activity?

If you're after 121 with your daughter, wouldn't that be better done elsewhere?

Why couldn't she have sat with someone/anyone else?

Aeroflotgirl · 24/03/2018 17:16

What a load of cheeky feckers these parents are, poor girl. Well done you, I would have made it the coach responsibility, the arrangement is between her parents and the coach, not you. So it is the coach who has to call the mum to come. Poor girl having useless and disinterested parents such as these.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/03/2018 17:17

Whatever you do is wrong - NO. What you should have done would be to say yes, I would like you to call the parents, I already told them that I wasn't available to take their daughter to lunch and made sure they knew that, and by the way I do NOT like being made to feel that an unsupervised child should be my responsibility rather than that of a. her parents or b. the club her parents have paid for her to attend!

eddielizzard · 24/03/2018 17:20

the parents deserve to be embarrassed. everyone pretends to the kid that they're fine. they're not they're crap. i'd be having a quiet word with them saying it's not bloody on and they have to be there next time. fuck that.

then tell the coach it's not on that you've looked after this kid for 5 times in a row. your own dd isn't getting her 1 to 1 time. you won't be doing it again.

next time none of them will be able to ask you. then you can also be sweet and kind to this child with the knowledge that you tried to get her parents to step up. they are the baddies not you! you haven't done anything wrong.!!!!