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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD friend to hang around us

251 replies

Unforgiving2 · 23/03/2018 11:57

DD and her friend who are both 10 do a sport together they both enjoy.

Every half term parents are invited to come and watch. At the end of this the child and their parents are offered half an hour or so to partake in the sport one on one together and then go and have lunch together. It's a really lovely morning and lunchtime.

The last 4 times DDS friends parents did not attend, each time telling me how much they want to attend but that their daughter feels self conscious performing in front of them so they respect her wishes and stay away. The friend says to me that they just don't come because they are busy, I have poked a little and she insists she wants them there. Either way they are not there so friend joins us for the one on one and for lunch. The last couple of times DD has been annoyed with this, although like me is too polite to say and would not want to leave friend entirely on her own. The issue is that I have four other younger children and although I try to make time individually with them all it can be hard and so the one on one game and lunches together every half term meant the world to both of us and it feels like this has been hijacked. DD really enjoyed the one to one time, and yes we can have this doing something else but this was something special for us.

I know I would be unreasonable to leave her friend out but it's annoying. There is nothing we can do about it though, is there??

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 23/03/2018 14:34

Just to say, I am SO NOT suggesting you're not being the good guy.
You are going above and beyond... and you are a truly lovely person.
And I do get that you're a bit done with this scenario. I get that.

But the poor kid, you know? We all have a soft spot for that kid whose parents just can't be bothered. It's hurtful.

kimanda · 23/03/2018 14:37

@Alwaysslumpyporridge

Can you do some 1:1 time after the sporting event? i.e. get milkshakes on the way home?

Why should the OP and her daughter do this? They could do - but again, why is entertaining this child the responsibility of the OP?

Have you read the full thread? The child's parents reckon she doesn't want them there (when she does,) and also, they drop her off and then naff off and let someone else look after her and take her for snacks and drinks etc after.

Even if the OP wasn't complaining about this, (as she is losing 1 to 1 time with her daughter,) there is STILL no reason why she should have to have this child with her and her daughter EVERY TIME. The OP doesn't want her there all the time, and her daughter doesn't either.

I feel for the girl - especially as it seems her parents aren't arsed with her - but no WAY is this something the OP should be responsible for.

As has been said, the coach or teacher needs to be informed that this child is being dumped on the OP and her daughter - every time. The girl has made it clear she wants her parents there, but they cannot be arsed.

The parents of this girl should be ashamed of themselves for neglecting their daughter and dumping her on someone else.

@thevanguardsix

It's just a day of your lives

No it's not! It's every time. What do you mean 'it's one day!'

Security and compassion for others is in short supply in this current day and age. Be the good guy.

And as for 'be the good guy here!' AGAIN, aim that at the parents, and tell THEM to 'be the good guy' and spend time with their bloody child!

teaandtoast · 23/03/2018 14:39

Well said kimanda.

kimanda · 23/03/2018 14:41

kimanda · 23/03/2018 14:42

SenoritaViva · 23/03/2018 14:42

She has been the good guy,but there's nothing wrong with wanting some 1:1 time with her daughter.

These parents need to do more. I think speaking to coach is the best plan.

HappyFeet1212 · 23/03/2018 15:01

You are putting this girls needs before your daughter's needs.
You are putting the other mother's needs before your own.

Neither of these is good or positive, they are taking the piss.

Drop the friend off with the coach & have lunch without her. She will tell her mother, her mother will be there next time.

I have experienced something extremely similar. Whilst you pick up they slack, they will let you. In my case, they'd 'forgotten' all the times they'd imposed on me. Lesson learnt, don't be a mug. You're not being nice.....you're being used.

MissEliza · 23/03/2018 15:05

I don't think the Op is choosing to put other people before her DD's. She's not been given a choice. She can't tell the little girl to go away, can she?

Lacucuracha · 23/03/2018 15:10

Not relevant but I have four kids, three smaller sorry.

You've apologised a couple of times on this thread. I suspect you're very nice and the parents are taking advantage.

I think talking to the coach is a good idea. They should have a chat with the girl's parents. If s/he frames it as coming from them (i.e. they have noticed friend's parents pick up and drop off but don't do the activity) then that should remove any awkwardness for you.

I would suggest having lunch elsewhere but it sounds like having lunch there is a part of the experience.

Peartree17 · 23/03/2018 15:55

So this happens every 6-8 weeks - one morning watching, playing the sport together and then lunch? At all other times the children just get on and do the activity, no parents watching?

I'm inclined to go straight to the parents, especially if they are simply sitting outside in the car waiting for their daughter to do the session, play with YOU and then have lunch with YOU! Even if she genuinely didn't want them to watch her, they could come in to join in the sport at the specified time slot and they could certainly have lunch with her! I'd feel no awkwardness about saying this to them, while emphasising how much you and daughter want to spend this time together, as other parents and their children are doing!

So, script goes something like:

every other participant has their parent/s along for this occasion, their daughter is odd one out
you really want to be able to reinstate this 1-2-1 time with your daughter - valuable in your busy household and so that's what you will be doing next time
if their daughter doesn't like being watched, they could still come in and do the 1-2-1 and lunch. You will be doing this with your daughter alone next time, so if they don't want to/can't come in they will need to have a word with the coach/make other arrangements so their daughter isn't left alone without a parent when every other child is paired up.

I think it would be a pretty hard case of a parent who would risk having their daughter left alone like this. They just need to step up!

Original poster

Unforgiving2 · 23/03/2018 16:16

I don't think they stay in the car. They drop her off at 10, activity usually finishes at 11.30 but on special performance days we come back at 11 and then it's a 30 performance, 30 mins one to one practice (or one to two in our case) and then lunch 12-1pm. During lunch they will give put awards for the kids.

OP posts:

incywincybitofa · 23/03/2018 16:39

The thing is that this is a special experience for the OP
She has been compassionate but she wants the time with her daughter and a milkshake doesn't cut it because it makes the bonding experience bitty rather than a growing memory from start to finish. It's an experience it starts at 11 where mum watches daughter, admires how far she's come etc, 30 minutes where they do something together then lunch together. It's a whole experience breaking it up to accommodate another child EVERY TIME isn't on.
This is so not a village raising experience because the other parents are offering nothing to the care givers in return.

childmindingmumof3 · 23/03/2018 16:49

Speak to the coach, ask that she does the 1:1 bit with the other girl and eats with her for lunch.
Then just direct the girl to the coach.

wizzywig · 23/03/2018 16:58

Just go lunch elsewhere.

SoozC · 23/03/2018 17:03

It needs to be made clear that the session finishes at 11:30am as usual. The 1:1 and lunch is a special addition once a half-term. You need to speak to the coach and ensure that patents are told that the supervised pay off the session finishes, as usual, at half eleven. Children can stay beyond that if they are supervised. If the coaches are being paid to supervise past half eleven then they need to supervise and have the kids who have no adults in a group together or in a group with the coach. They should then lunch with the coach.

Definitely speak to the coach. It sounds like they've said the session runs till 1pm and parents are invited, which the girl's patents have taken to mean they don't have to be there.

SoozC · 23/03/2018 17:04

parents part

No idea why my phone corrects to patents. Who ever types that on purpose on MN?

LookyLooky · 23/03/2018 17:05

Can you clarify something.... you say that 'each time' the parents have said to you that they would like to attend but won’t but then you also say they always stay in their car during drop off and pick up..... I’m curious when you actually speak to them?

If most people from the club are going upstairs to eat and the club give out awards during this time then might then it might not occur to the parents that their daughter is interrupting the OPs and her daughters special time. They might just think it’s a general relaxed get together where everyone mixes together. It’s not like the friend is joining them at a formal restaurant. I think it was a mistake for the
OP to buy the friend dessert - surely your average 10 year girl would take that as meaning you were happy to have her around.

OP, next time just tell the girl that you want to do the activity with your daughter. It might also be an idea to warn the coach so that he can make alternative arrangements. Then when you get to the cafe I think you can tell the girl that you and your daughter have to discuss something and would like to sit alone. Maybe get a list of spelling words out and pretend you are testing your daughter...or something 🤷🏻‍♀️ I imagine their might be other people who the girl can sit with.

childmindingmumof3 · 23/03/2018 17:10

It's not just lunch though it's also doing the activity together.

Original poster

Unforgiving2 · 23/03/2018 17:13

I normally speak to them through the car window!! They park right outside the sports centre (not a car park spot) and wait there. We park in the car park and when we arrive their DD gets out as we go in and walks in with us. I usually walk daughter in and through to the hall, and then when I collect I wait at reception, whereas friends parents just wait in their car for her to come out. I normally say hello as she jumps out of car and on performance days have asked if they are coming.... They know what happens at the performance days as they used to attend, it's only been the last 4 they haven't. Girls have been going a couple of years now.

OP posts:

Juells · 23/03/2018 17:33

They're taking the piss

MynameisJune · 23/03/2018 17:40

I think you need to get the coach to tell parents that on performance days if they are not staying and participating then they need to collect their DC at 11 when the activity stops and the 1-1/lunch starts. That way they will either a) start attending because their DD tells them to, or b) they will pick their DD up as that’s what has been requested.

Everyone saying you should just suck it up for the other DD. No you shouldn’t. Yes it’s nice every now and then to be kind to others but when it’s every half term special session then it’s not fair on either you or your DD. You deserve some time together just the two of you.

SoozC · 23/03/2018 17:40

I guess it brings me back to whether or not the additional 1 1/2 hours is a paid, supervised time. If the coaches are not paid and responsible for the kids after 11:30am then the girl's parents need to be told.
If they know the paid session ends at 11:30am then they are using you as free childcare and I would tell them you are unable to look after their daughter after 11:30am next time. Tell the coach too; it's then up to them to contact the parents as they would any other time a child was late being collected.

I know it's nice for the girl to have a cosy time with you and your daughter but there is nothing wrong with you being allowed that time on your own together. People are allowed to think of themselves sometimes; not everything in life is about putting other people first, children or adults. I'm a teacher, once went with a class while training to a museum. All but about four children had money to spend in the shop at the end of the trip. It was unfortunate, but not my place to give them money. Even when I bought myself a book. This is a kind-of similar situation that the OP is in. She's been nice but that doesn't mean she can't put herself and daughter first for once.

TheClitterati · 23/03/2018 18:49

Oh yeah @kimanda, you are spot on. It's so scary how you know exactly what my parenting is like and exactly what I am
Thinking and doing.

Amazing.

Have you thought about taking it up professionally?

KERALA1 · 23/03/2018 18:59

Well you did call the OP mean.

If anyone is "mean" in this scenario it sure ain't the OP!

user1499333856 · 23/03/2018 20:45

@AcrossthePond55

I've been thinking about your post all day. What a lovely mum you have and something to be proud of. Great memory.

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