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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

538 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 12:44

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 22/03/2018 13:06

It's your Wedding, just do what you want to!

doze931 · 22/03/2018 13:07

We went to my SIL wedding when son was 4 and 2. (4 yr old was page boy). They both went to cermony as wedding was overseas but i took 2 yr old out during vows.

Also at my cousins wedding (local) my kids where then 6 and 4. I was bridesmaid. My mum took 6 yr old to wedding and my hubby just met us at reception as 4 yr old wouldnt of behaved (SEN). He also was taken out of speeches

I think your solution sounds perfect for all involved. Or if not could one of the inlaws maybe watch the kids.

IanRushesInadequateFlushes · 22/03/2018 13:07

I wonder what your SIL would have said at HER wedding. In my experience, the one who kick off about no young kids at a wedding are the same ones who got married first and had no children at all at theirs!!

YANBU. I think you've gone above and beyond with the nice sounding room and nanny. The kids should enjoy it - and what parent doesn't enjoy a little bit of child free mingling and drinking fizz?? Confused

kubex · 22/03/2018 13:07

I wouldn't want children of any age at my wedding.

BarbarianMum · 22/03/2018 13:07

If you don't want any toddler/baby noise during the service then you need to have no small children in the room. I've been to weddings like that and its fine. Dh spent the ceromony part of my best friend's wedding in the garden with ds2 - then they joined in with the reception later.

If you allow young children in the room then you need to be ok with a few exclamations and shushings - you're right, no parent will disrupt the service by taking a child out because they coo a little or call out "look, flowers" if they can be quietened down quickly.

wildduckhunt · 22/03/2018 13:08

I don't get why parents don't accept that wedding ceremonies are boring as fuck for most children, especially the younger they are.

HildaZelda · 22/03/2018 13:09

I had two children at my wedding. My flower girl who was (a mature) 8 year old and DH's nephew who insisted he was being a pageboy. I wasn't happy about it (because I knew what he was like) but of course DH's side of the family insisted. He was 5 and a fucking nightmare.

YANBU OP. You have made provisions for these children. You could just have said no children invited at all, which is something I'd seriously consider if I was ever doing it again.

Your SIL is being a complete drama queen. Her child will be in a room a couple of minutes away max, with a qualified childminder, not left outside the front door with Jack The Ripper to babysit.

BennyTheBall · 22/03/2018 13:09

I bloody love a child-free wedding as I think small kids are a total PITA at them.

Mine at 2 would've had a paddy if they were left with a stranger (and I would certainly be asking you to remove the sweets) so we would have happily left them with another family member and enjoyed the wedding without them.

KC225 · 22/03/2018 13:09

Most times a church/wedding veunes have little rooms off the main event where they serve refreshments, do weight watchers etc. Could you arrange that set up for the children there. The 'Nanny' could have the parents numbers and the parents are in the building if something kicks off. That way, the little darlings get to be in the photographs, and get to cause each other in circles a lot quicker.

My friend fell out with a couple whose child was babbling loudly and saying 'You said it was a party. When is the party? I want to go to the party? Not crying but my friend couldn't hear her neices vows and suggested they take the child out. They refused and it caused quite an atmosphere as the couple thought their little darling was comedy gold.

Sparklingbrook · 22/03/2018 13:10

I think most DHs would rather look after their DC nearby that sit through a wedding ceremony anyway. Grin

sexnotgender · 22/03/2018 13:10

Your plan sounds incredibly reasonable and I'm they don't like it then they don't need to attend.
It's YOUR day not theirs.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 22/03/2018 13:10

I have four children and I'd rather stay out because you can't guarantee they won't cry or shout out. I'd also not leave them in a room with a nanny. My preferred method would be to wait outside until speeches are over. I don't love drawing attention to myself even if that is via my children. It's your wedding. Stick to your guns.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/03/2018 13:11

Yanbu. You're plan sounds reasonable and I have carried out more than one or two nephews / nieces out of ceremonies.

MuddyForestWalks · 22/03/2018 13:11

I took DD (then 4 weeks old) out during the speeches at my very good friend's wedding. Missed the special mention I got in the speeches thanking me for all my help in the wedding planning!

KC225 · 22/03/2018 13:12

Sorry just realised it is in the building. Sorry, I'm breaking these eyes in for someone else.

Onceuponatimethen · 22/03/2018 13:13

My 2 year old wouldn’t settle with a stranger for 20 minutes no way: so if you were my sis this would mean dh it I would have to miss the ceremony.

I always take mine out if they cry, two or three words fine and then I whip them out if it’s whole sentences.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2018 13:13

My children would not have been at a wedding ceremony as toddlers (my youngest is now 9) because it's not an appropriate venue for children that age. People like your brother and SIL will not remove their toddler if he makes noise, they think it's cute.

I'd have gone one further than you and said childfree, because otherwise people think the kiddie room doesn't apply to them and will not think twice about bringing their sprogs in.

FWIW, I usually get up and leave during speeches because man, they are fucking tedious and twee.

LightTripper · 22/03/2018 13:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable as long as you don't get upset if some parents also miss the ceremony. You've made really good provision (amazing actually!) and if people aren't happy to leave their child with a stranger they can always miss the ceremony themselves.

My daughter was only 5 weeks old when my BIL and SIL got married, so I wouldn't have left her with childcare even if there had been any. She started to grizzle right before the start of the ceremony so I just took her out and fed her. It was a shame to miss the ceremony but such is life with small people!

Shoxfordian · 22/03/2018 13:14

Its your choice and yanbu

I won't be inviting any children at all when I get married.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/03/2018 13:14

"I want to see my auntie get married" said no 2 year old, ever!
The fact that your brother is focussing on how your choice affects his child rather than on your wish for a guaranteed quiet service, proves that when push comes to shove he'll do what suits him and not you.

I totally agree with you - the kids might br quiet but equally they could be little horrors. It is your wedding and you should habe it how you want it. You have made nice provisions - they can take it or leave it and you should feel no guilt and accept no emotional pressure from selfish parents.

kaitlinktm · 22/03/2018 13:15

My two weren't invited to my brother's wedding (I was disappointed, having presumed and bought outfits etc) but of course had to suck it up. I was a bit miffed when they had their DD who was included in two or three wedding invitations the following year. They expressed their surprise at how accommodating other couples were. I could only agree.
(They took her of course and I heard she was a right pest during one ceremony - but they just beamed around the church).

thecatsthecats · 22/03/2018 13:15

I'm having a nanny room at our wedding. We'll be talking to the parents of each individual baby and are perfectly happy for them to skip the ceremony so we don't have to risk children interrupting the vows.

Weddings are NOT about family, the guests, celebrating, the party etc. Those are elements, but without the two people actually standing up and making the vows to one another it is not a wedding and I'm damned if some stupid kid is going to spoil that part for me. I wouldn't be doing the rest if it weren't for the vows bit!

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/03/2018 13:15

With regards to sweets, I'm only talking about a few milky buttons or something, not skittles cola-bottles!

I have a strong feeling SIL will stay out of the room anyway and miss the ceremony.

OP posts:
theunsure · 22/03/2018 13:15

Your wedding, your rules - you can do what you like.

Other people might not like it though so you have to respect that they might not want to come on those terms - I think that all parents coming should be aware they have to leave their children for the service in advance. If they don't want to do that they can miss the service themselves or miss the whole wedding entirely.

Mind you be warned that it's not just kids that chatter - been to several weddings where twattish adult guests have been chatting to each other during the service. I wanted to slap them on the brides behalf!

FizzyGreenWater · 22/03/2018 13:16

your plan sounds reasonable.

it is UP TO YOU.

It matters not a jot what reaction everyone else considers you should have to a child interrupting your wedding.

Just refuse to discuss further, at all. It's a perfectly reasonable plan. And if pushed, you could start from the point of - 'Well, I did want to come up with what I thought was a good compromise, but if it's not going to be a goer, you could always leave them at home? I'd hate for them to not be there at all of course... but my one non-negotiable is no potential disturbance during the ceremony. It might not upset you, I can tell you now it will very very much upset me, so I am making sure it does not happen. (big smile)