Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

OP it sounds like you don't want children there at all so just make it child free, all the nanny business sounds like a waste of money to me.

Its sounds good however I wouldn't leave an under 5 with a random Nanny, either DH or I would take the kids out and use the room though. Much better than a childfree wedding altogether as we have no one who can do childcare for that long. Currently debating what to do about a recent child free wedding invite. I think I will have to stay at home.

It would be completely reasonable for you to say it's a child free wedding, sounds like you'd be best doing so as long as you're prepared to accept some guests including your Brother and SIL may not attend.

Your SIL isn't being unreasonable saying she wouldn't be happy leaving her toddler with a nanny, none of mine would have settled with a stranger in an unfamiliar place at that age.

Yes parents could stay in the children's room with them, to me it depends partly how far you're expecting them to travel to the wedding, how expensive the hotel etc. I remember going to a friend's wedding when my second daughter was a few months old at the other end of the country (initially declined invite but she put a lot of pressure on me to go), I was relaxed about sitting out when necessary but to be honest it ended up being bloody expensive (not to mention the knackering journey) just to end up sitting in the lounge alone with baby, walking round the garden etc and she got annoyed with me for needing to feed when they were taking photographs!

Your wedding = you do what YOU want. You've gone above and beyond, in my opinion, with what you've provided already. If that's not good enough, then parents will need to make their own arrangements.

My niece walked around loudly tugging on people and throwing her teddy around when my brother and his (ex)wife was getting married.
At first I thought oh no, but then what alternative was there? The child was very much wanted there like the others, they were an important presence and nobody wanted them to miss out on being there. So I don’t know. It’s a tricky one.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that?

At my sister's wedding it was the chattering between my 3 year old daughter and their 2 year old son in the front row that caused the bride and groom to dissolve in giggles in the middle of their vows, so YANBU.

Also, ruckus is a fantastic word and I intend to use it more often in conversation.

My brother and SIL basically live 3 miles down the road from where the wedding venue is, as I'm getting married in my home-town. But no family event would be complete without one or both of them making it a bit about them, so I'm not surprised really.

*Yeah, I get the nanny stranger thing, but the ages of the children will be, 2,2,2,3,4,5. Surely at least the two older ones will be ok to watch Octonauts abdceat s few milky buttons away from Mum and Dad?!

For the others, well, I suppose if they're not happy being left, a parent has to miss the ceremony.*

You seem a little grudging about this, although I may be wrong. Do you mind if the parent misses the ceremony? It is really, really normal as I think has been shown on this thread for parents not to want to leave their very young children with people they don't know where they can't see them, and for very young children (and four is still very young IMHO) not to want to be left.

YANBU. It is distracting for everyone and selfish of parents not to take the child outside. I have experienced this at a funeral too.

I really don't mind if a parent misses the ceremony, no, totally up to them.

Perhaps it does smack a little of attention seeking on the part of the parents. People are expected to smile and aww indulgently - but I reckon the vast majority are irritated.

I've been to 4 weddings so far with DS who is 1.5. He was quiet in 3 but in one he was babbling a little (his dad was best man so I think he was excited seeing him up there), I considered taking him out but we were right at the back and the vows were short so by the time I'd thought about taking him out it was over. He wasn't shouting or anything, mainly just saying "dada" and pointing. But I think it's hard to know what's best. I'd hate to think others around us were thinking I should remove him. But I also knew that the bride and groom love our son and really wanted him, and other children there. If the bride had asked me to take him out at first squeak - I would have been out like a shot. Another wedding we went to the grooms nephew shouted throughout the vows. I would have been upset if I was the bride.
It's your wedding - have what you like. But if you ban children from the ceremony you may find parents may miss the ceremony over leaving their child with a nanny.
We are thinking of having a room with nannies and toys at our wedding too, but we weren't going to make it compulsory.
I do think it's nicer to have children at weddings overall, but can totally understand not wanting them there during the vows.
It's a tricky one but it's your wedding!

No way in hell would I leave my child with a stranger. I honestly think it's unreasonable of you to ask that. A nice room with someone they know in it is fine, a stranger isn't.

I couldn't have cared less who made noise during my vows but if you do you'd better say no kids. Be prepared that SiL probably wouldn't come though unless she has someone who can have the child for the day (I'm assuming brothers family will also be attending the wedding)

YANBU

I'm assuming it's a wedding crèche you're providing? Great idea IMO. We wanted one but not enough room.

If I was attending a wedding with my children, I would sit near the back so if they started making noise, I could take them out (or partner, depending on whose family / friends were getting married)

I would, and have! My SIL wanted my 2yo DS as pageboy. He did his bit, he walked (ran) up the aisle ok, but as soon as everyone sat down he made a break for it. His auntie and her husband were lighting the candles and he absolutely wanted a piece of the action.

So I grabbed him and bundled him out of the church, not so easy when you are seated at the front, at a narrow side wall of the pew, 30weeks pregnant and carrying a squealing toddler doing his best to wriggle free, while tripping over peoples handbags etc. We spent the next two hours in the car. It was freezing. To be fair, DH was doing a reading or he’d happily have done it himself, I love weddings and he is not so bothered.

It wasn’t just the right thing to do, it was the only thing to do. DS was overexcited, hadn’t slept and was a total nightmare all morning. He had a solid nap between church and reception and danced himself silly all evening, like a totally different child. He’s 5 now and I think I still wouldn’t trust him in a wedding service.

No way in hell would I leave my child with a stranger.

there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but won't you have to eventually? Are you planning on home-ed your children? I jsut don't understand, because at some point, we all have to leave our kids.

@HarrietKettle When my DD was 12 months old we went to her uncle (my DHs brothers) wedding. The bride was late, DD got bored and I ran out of snacks. She started crying. I instantly left the church and missed the ceremony. No problems for me, wasn't about to spoil their moment. However the brides niece (her sisters child) was around 2 at the time and chatted and screeched the whole time, even chattering back to the priest when he did the vows. They thought it was hilariously cute and saw no reason to take her out. I would have been mortified. Never found out what the bride & groom thought of it.

However its YOUR day. Do what you want. I have 2 DDs and wouldnt think your request was unreasonable. And if I did, I would simply choose to stay with DDs and the nanny and miss the ceremony but join you all afterwards. Can always catch the ceremony on video afterwards (providing you have a videographer)

Not unreasonable at all not to want child noise in your ceremony. I was very keen to avoid this for our wedding.

We actually had 3 toddlers who were golden - all nephews so they sat at the front and behaved brilliantly. However we also had 4 newborns, one of whom woke up and screamed just as the organ started playing for me to walk down the aisle, and it did unfortunately ruin what should have been a very special few seconds between me and my father.

I am due in May, and we are going to a wedding in August. It’s no kids - they've kindly said they’ll make an exception for us, but my parents are travelling to the wedding location with us so we can avoid having the baby present if at all possible because I feel so strongly that it should be about the bride and groom. If baby can’t be left then my husband or I will miss the ceremony with baby to ensure we don’t disrupt it.

I agree with those above that even if you do leave straight away when the noise starts, and frankly lots of people don’t, it still causes a disruption because of the getting up and clattering out. Happened a couple of times in mine and I definitely noticed, but thankfully it wasn’t at an important point in the ceremony. If you think noise will bother you, don’t risk it!

If people don’t want to take your childcare, they are free to not attend and you should accept this with good grace (as it sounds like you will).

Have a lovely wedding day!

SIL has her own family nearby. They have childcare on tap. So that's fine. But they'd never get over me not wanting to have my adorable nephew bumbling around charming everybody in a cute little outfit!

Ok, this has been good because I really didn't consider some people would be horrified at leaving their kids with a qualified childcare practitioner for 20 mins in the same building. I mean, they don't even have to, I'm providing the option, not prising the child away and locking the door. But it's been good to have that perspective.

Ooh and a number of guests said to me “yer wee man was hilarious, having to be carried out going ‘No! No! No!’, wasn’t he?”

No, he was not. But it showed me that he was already a distraction at that stage, right at the beginning, and I was dead right to bring him out as I didn’t want him to get anymore attention!

As a parent of a 6 and 3year old once they were over 1 I’d have loved the chance to leave them to enjoy the speeches/ceremony. I wouldn’t have left a baby - but would take a baby straight out if they caused any disturbance.

I really didn't consider some people would be horrified at leaving their kids with a qualified childcare practitioner for 20 mins in the same building

Lots of people (including me) as it turns out. Maybe so many people that it's quite a normal reaction for a parent?

Yeah I would be horrified (I don't care how qualified she is if I haven't met and chosen her)

However is SiL has childcare on tap then she can use that. Kids don't enjoy wedding vows, he doesn't need to be there (although I've got to say, and I'm not a massive kids person, I'm so glad my niece and nephew came to my wedding - I love the photos looking back 7 years on)

The youngest bridesmaid stood in the window of the church and shouted during my cousin's wedding.

No one was mortified. The bride thought it funny. Not ideal - but we saw the funny side. Nearly 40 years later it still makes the family smile.

If there are kids at my wedding and they interrupt - so what? Children are welcome and they're prone to make noise!

But yes, your wedding etc etc.

If I were a guest I'd think you controlling (or possibly stressed / overloaded and losing sight of what really matters) for doing this but I wouldn't say anything.

If you laid on some crisps and chocolate buttons manu adulrs let alone kids would more than happy to sit in the children room and watch cartoons rather than sit through a boring ceremony. Never do you here of people complaining they were too short.