Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

@kitten when it comes to weddings, I always think the ceremony should be about the bride and groom and the reception should be for the guests. I think traditionally the reception was a thank you to guests for attending the ceremony.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with inviting guests to your ceremony but wanting that part to be just right as long as efforts are made to make the reception enjoyable for the guests.

Clearly you are still married whatever noise is or isn’t made in your ceremony, and I got married for the marriage not the wedding. That has no bearing at all on the fact that I and my husband wanted to savour and enjoy the half hour of our lives where we got married.

As I said upthread, we did have some kids in our ceremony (family and newborns) but I don’t agree with your “Christ isn’t it about the marriage” comments at all. It’s not mutually exclusive.

she's offering to provide a room for them to be in during the ceremony, so they can make as much noise as they want and so their parents can relax and watch the ceremony.
Let's be real. This has nothing to do with creating a relaxing time for the parents and everything to do with 'my day my rules' / 'a baby cooing might take the attention off me for 3 seconds'.

Sure, it makes sense to have childcare for toddlers if they're likely to be loud. But a blanket no child because a single noise over my moment will ruin my moment seems a bit daft. What next, someone has a coughing fit and the bride gets devastated because the noise ruinined their focus? Someone sneezes over an 'i do'? Nightmare & abandon the wedding video which nobody seriously sits and watches

You'd think parents would remove them but I've seen many that simply don't likewise school events etc. Children are allowed to make a noise, run up and down isles and the parents get huffy if somebody asks them to leave. I can understand having a child free church service but I see no harm in them being there for meals, parties etc as the adults likely make more noise and disturbance there anyway.

I would love to go a wedding which did this, taking children esp young children is so stressful.
You get the best of both worlds esp if people can not get baby sitters.

HarrietKettle I know, if you've read the thread, you'll see that I agreed with you, and mentioned your plans to have the children looked after elsewhere. Groovy. It's the other people screaming about no kids full stop cause they might do a little burp over my 'I do' that I'm finding difficult to understand.

We said no children at our wedding 10 years ago and a relative is still frosty with me about it after all these years! But I still stand by our decision. It is YOUR wedding. Anyone who wants to dictate to you is being selfish. Any child under the age of roughly 8 won't remember the wedding anyway so why do they need to be there?! Maybe including them in the photos is something you want as a memento but remember that this day is about YOU (and your husband) and not them!

I would take my Dd out of the service if she started playing up but it’s not really about what any of us would do it’s about what your DB will do. You’ve already gone above and beyond to make provisions for children rather than just saying no DC. Your nephew has no interest in seeing you get married so the idea you’re depriving him in some way by asking for him to be left outside for 20 mins is ridiculous. If they won’t leave their DS with anyone else then one of them should stay outside with him.

It's all a bit of a first world problem really.

In many cultures the wedding sort of takes on a life of its own, and the bride and groom are among the last people to get any say about things like this!

Scotland32 - you don't have memories from before you were 8? that's extremely strange.

I think genuine friends and considerate family will pop out the room as necessary especially during speeches. We got married in 40s and chose to invite all children as otherwise most friends and family would of not been able to find childcare or travel so far. Only 1 child was taken out the room by a mum and everyone was ok with the little ones. So do what you are both comfortable with. It is impossible to tick all the boxes but are weddi g day was 99 % perfect 😊

YANBU. Your day, your rules. I had to endure a little girl of four years making 'nee naw' noises and being carried on her dad's shoulder throughout a wedding - there's nothing more distracting, and it ruins many an event. Good for you, I say. Not everything should be child friendly, so why the hell not?

Yanbu. The vows are the most important bit.
Young kids won't appreciate that.

I'd have said mine in a room with just the two of us if I could have got away with it.

It was the same for us, @yummyeclair our family and friends were spread all over the country. It actually didn't occur to me not to have children there. But none of the children misbehaved, or at least not to the point of disrupting things. Obviously not completely silent, but we weren't expecting that obviously.

Some of the parents made their own arrangements, though. I would have done the same when our DDs were small, as we do have people we can ask. But I know some people genuinely don't.

I would just say no children can be accommodated and blame the ‘danger’ of the venue instead of the child based disturbances that you don’t like.

I also wonder if you SIL/DB had many kids at their wedding?

Lizzie48 I am so glad you had a lovely day too - most people use their common sense which is so considerate.

As a parent I would rather not take my children to a wedding as quite frankly weddings are boring for them. I fact the two we are attending this year I won't be taking them.
But I would not be happy with leaving them in an unknown room with unknown nanny. Is certainly take them out though if there was any disturbance going on.

Why shouldn't a persons wedding day be about them? It is an incredibly entitled attitude to think that a bride and groom should pander in anyway to their guests. Just as it is the collective MN attitude that guest should not lander to the whims of the bride and groom. Mostly both sides are correct. However in the case of who is invited to the wedding - well that is entirely up to the bride and groom and if they don't want children there then that is their right and they are not entitled or immature or brats. It is also presumptuous and rude to giggle about how they will find out for themselves one day how difficult it is to find childcare or any of that bollocks.

Children are not the centre of the universe to anyone other than their parents and that is something that many parents fail to understand.

When I married for the first time I was very young and between my toxic, forceful mother and my controlling husband to be, I had little say in anything about my wedding. Including who would be invited. As a consequence of that we had a lot of incredibly badly behaved young children shouting and running around all day, including during the ceremony, the speeches, the meal.....
It was horrendous and i liked children then, even though I was infertile and struggling to deal with it (so thanks exSIL for dumping your 3 month old on me at my own wedding so you could get pissed).

My partner and I are now thinking about getting married in the next year or so. We haven't thought much about what we want to do, but we are both adamant that my extremely badly behaved nieces and nephews won't be there.

Your wedding your choice. I didn't take my children to weddings or parties because I am selfish and wanted to enjoy myself. Didn't mind other peoples kids at my own wedding just so long as I didnt have to look after them. (Sounds weird but kids attach themselves to me and I always end up being an unofficial child minder! )

We had 21 children at our wedding, all but one were beautifully behaved during the ceremony, unfortunately the child that distrupted the ceremony was not quickly removed and although I didn’t particularly notice at the time, it completely spoilt my wedding video. So if I had to do it again I’d have still invited them but requested those with children sit at the back!

Yes I would say something and if the mother couldn't control their own kid I would tell the kid off .... nothing worst ...

A cousin of mine tried to do this but had to reverse the decision when most of his friends said they weren’t happy leaving their children with a total stranger. I would take my child out if they made any noise at all but many wouldn’t. I don’t think it is worth having a nanny room. Just speak to all your friends one on one and explain what you have said here.

Parents leave their children with total strangers all the time at holiday resort holiday clubs. And it is only 20 minutes. But the parents can stay with them if they want.

I think there is no point having guests at the actual ceremony unless people can actually hear the service. And yes, some parents do not consider how their toddlers noise will stop other people hearing what is being said.

YANBU. You’ve been very thoughtful and accommodating. I went to a wedding recently where no children were allowed at all. A few breastfeeding mums couldn’t go as a result which was a shame.

Stick to your guns!!! We said no children at ALL. both out nephews (3 and 5) didn’t come. 12 years later we have no regrets and a beautiful video of a calm, peaceful church service where you could hear our vows

Also, I’d roll my eyes at “how could you not want your nephew to whatch you get married...”

Well, I'm sure my nephew doesn't give a shit about watching me get married, but apparently even at the very tender age of 24 months he will remember the day as I have been told he'd rather gifted