Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

I'd stand your ground on it. There is a provision for children or their parents can miss the ceremony. Their choice.

We actually left a wedding reception early once, as there were more children than adults and I got a pounding headache from the noise levels. The Bride looked absolutely murderous and had tried to have a child free wedding but gave in to the family row that it invoked.

I was bridesmaid at a wedding where the pageboy and flower girl stomped loudly up and down the wooden floors of the church. Absolute racket. Would have had them removed immediately! Part of the reason why we didn’t have kids at our wedding. And wouldn’t hesitate to take DS out if he was kicking off, or get DH to do it.
Yep kids making noise can be adorable, but not so much at the pivotal part of the ceremony you’ve no doubt spent months arranging. I think you’ve been very kind to think of a play room for them. Those complaining about leaving kids with a stranger - bet they wouldn’t think twice about leaving them in the crèche at IKEA.
YANBU x

God, I used to love a good wedding when I was a kid.

I wouldn't necessarily have wanted to leave a 2 year old with a "qualified nanny" whom he or she had never met before in a totally unfamiliar place - at around 2 one of my kids would have been perfectly happy as long as there were other kids there and toys etc. one might or might not have been, but one most definitely would not, and needed a huge amount of time to get to know anyone new he might be left with.

However I bloody hate weddings, I only go to the ones I'll cause upset by not attending. I love children though and a 2 year old is a fantastic excuse to leave the room during the boring, sentimental, fake, cheesy or otherwise nauseating bits. I'd be delighted to take my child out, or in fact any other child who would (and who's parents would) like me to leave the room with them and supervise them somewhere less stuffy :o

Disclaimer - I no longer actually have any children young enough to need taking out - I'd be happy to take someone else's out though :o If you expected me to leave my nearly 7 year old with a qualified nanny during the ceremony I'd think you were probably a bit barking - he's better behaved than I am... However he probably wouldn't mind being left with an ipad.

My older children would object to being left in the care of a nanny, so I guess they'd just be barred from the room which would be a bit weird, and do whatever they wanted elsewhere, and I'd be jealous but also find it odd.

I think it’s unrealistic to expect very young children to stay quiet during a wedding ceremony and some parents really think there kids “chattering” is cute when in fact it’s it chattering but screaming and shouting. I am all for kids making noise in the right setting such as soft play etc but not in the middle of a wedding ceremony. This is the reason me and dh chose not to have kids at our wedding at all.

You have made some excellent provisions for the children which is kind. Although I personally wouldn’t use them as I wouldn’t leave my children with a stranger in a room I can’t see. I wouldn’t mind a room that was open plan that adjoined to a room I was in where I could see them but other than that I wouldn’t do it.

My kids were not invited to the last wedding me and dh attended nor will they be invited to the next one we are going. I wouldn’t take them even if they were unless the bride or groom specifically requested them to be part of the service.

what's wrong with giving a few (safe) sweets to children at a wedding? That and the deserts are all the fun when you are a kid

I think first off you need to properly think about having a nanny for 5 or so young children - the minimum ratio if they are under 3 is 1 to 4 and I would not particularly have been keen on (a) such a high ratio (b) someone I had not approved and (c) sweets etc (at at young age and supervised on such a high number of children to adults).

When SIL got married DD was 2.5 and we missed the ceremony as it was clear that it was not for her (she wasnt doing anything wrong but could not sit still) - I was happy to miss the ceremony (loath wedding ceremonies as it is mine was as short and sweet as it got) and we happily played until it was time for the photos where we were involved.

No one (apart from DH) missed us and frankly I did not miss anything either.

So I dont think anyone is being unreasonable to be honest (although I do suggest that you need to relax a little) but you do need to think through and discuss more your plan because whilst you can ask for there to be no children you cannot force your childcare idea on then (and as I said look at the ratios)

i had children at my wedding. I'm sure they made noises as there were lots of ages ranges but I didn't notice them. I barely noticed anything apart form my husband to be (it sounds soppy but it's actually true). I had primed several children to shout "ooh look a princess" as i came down the aisle but none of them did. that was the only thing that disappointed me !

BUT your wedding should be just how YOU want it and no-one should judge you for that.

I'd like to think that if a child started making a huge noise at my wedding I would turn round and embarrass the parent into removing them from the room.

However, that is irrelevant as I had a church wedding nearly 37 years ago.

If children are to be present at the ceremony could you not ask the registrar to make an announcement before they start that anyone making loud distracting noises needs to be removed from the room?

Yes.

We had a wedding where DD had her iPod to play a game on her lap (sound off, and only while Church was filling) and I had a packet of jellies in my bag to surreptitiously hand over at points where it helped keep her quiet.

But she did start making some noise - she got one "shush" from me and it stopped.

At a funeral when she was a bit older, we had similar, but she was upset and not able to keep it quiet (not crying, but stressed because of upset and mooching and quietly talking), so I did remove her from the Church for a bit and she was much better after some fresh air and calm away from the solemnity.

In my experience, most parents say they'll take their children out if they make a noise. In practice, most parents don't, meaning the ceremony gets ruined anyway.

What small child ever understands the actual ceremony? Certainly not a 2 year old.

I wouldn't take my toddler to a weddding unless the bride and groom specifcially wanted kids there. No way I'd take him to yours. That may mean either me or DH didn't go, if we couldn't get a babysitter.

I'd reply to your brother, "Do you actually think he knows what's going on?"

I wouldn't take a child under about 10 to a wedding ceremony.

I'd be very wary of banning sweets altogether anyway, OP. My DM did that and it left me totally unable to control myself when I did have access to them as they became such a big deal. Friends who were allowed them in small doses did not have this issue.

Of course there's a difference between that and a parent being concerned about the type of sweets (Haribo can be a choking hazard for a young child for example) and not knowing the person giving them out. It's just something I feel strongly about with DD as I really don't want her to have my issues around sweets and weight!

I would remove my toddler for I'm going babbling even if it was happy noises, and absolutely the minute they started to griddle, shout, started fidetting and trying to gmail about or if I predicted any type of meltdown, particularly if the bride had asked for quiet. To be honest, to avoid issues I would probably loiter at the back near the exot throughoit just in case. Unfortunately there's no accounting for some parents and there's often a few who do let their children run riot despite being asked not to or the disruption they are causing.

I would and have removed my child from a wedding ceremony and during speechs.

However in my experience not all parents do intervene when their child causes a disturbance.

If you know which nanny you're hiring, would you mind paying for a couple extra days beforehand so she can meet the family and the kids could all have a play date? Then she wouldn't be an unknown person and the parents could see how she treats the children? I know it's an added expense that you really shouldn't have to pay but might calm them down a little?

Just be clear with them - it is your wedding and you do not want noise from children during it.

Unless thy're making a real racket it's relatively easy to zone out the noise from your own kids which is why some people fail to realise how much disruption they can cause for others. I got married at a zoo so I obviously invited kids but I can equally see why others wouldn't want to.

I would take my child out.

But the comments from your brother and SIL make it clear that they wouldn't. It's one of the most important moments of your life and kiddie noise is not appropriate.

Stick to your guns OP! I took my then 1 and 3 year old sons to my sisters wedding and spent the whole time before, during and after the church service, plus before and during the reception trying to keep them quiet that I virtually missed the whole thing and was so exhausted one glass of wine got me totally drunk!

Other people thought the boys were 'fine' I thought they were noisy and rambunctious (lovely word ) . I think you've been very considerate in organising a nanny to look after the small ones and that your adult guests are being unreasonable.

I would take DD out at any sound, I would try and get her to sleep just before it starts, but I'm very aware of her noise. I wouldn't however be away from her and let a stranger look after her. I would miss the ceremony. I find ceremonies dull anyway though

I wouldn't take my very young kids to a wedding to be honest. And all the weddings we've been invited to post-kids have been child free (yay!).

But yes I would take them out. But people are very different and have high tolerance of noise/ruckus than I perhaps would!

When I got married (late, most of my friends already had kids) we specified child-free, except for immediate family. This meant that we only had two very young kids there, one of about 5 and one of 1. The 1 year old was my nephew and was there for the ceremony (but was with his 'other' granny (not my mum!) at the back and she took him straight out at the first squeal. I know this because I have it on video!

Honestly? I was so happy and excited I never noticed him making any noise. But I'm sure I would have if he had continued!

I think you need to talk to your brother/SIL. So hard!

YANBU, I limited my wedding to only having direct family's children.
My sisters best friend though who is practically family ended up having to bring her 6 month old in the end, she was grizzly throughout the ceremony so her mum just took her straight out until she had calmed.

I think you will struggle to get parents to sign up to leaving their kids with strangers, but I would make it very clear that any noise or disruption and they have to take the kids out until they have calmed down.
I wouldn't disrespect the couple by letting my child disturb the biggest day of their lives, but it's not always common sense I guess

I came on to say I’d definitely take my son out, but providing a nanny too. Might be unpopular but I’d be so bloody relieved!!!!

YABU - not for the "no children at the wedding" but the whole self righteous tone of your post.

Yes I would take my DC out if they were disturbing a wedding, but if you want total "silence" then I think there are a lot of adults who shouldn't be present either. The little whispers, the coughing fits (or are you handing out cough sweets in rustless wrappers (like at the Opera), the hard of hearing etc. My DC when tiny actually slept through several weddings, as I ensured they were well exercised beforehand. But a child whispered "How pretty" I would think would add to the occasion.

You do your wedding how you want - but if you want it child free then have it child free. I'd rather sort my own child care than be expected to put my children in enforced child care with a stranger. And 1 nanny for 4, with "sweets, colouring and ipads" sounds too many children and dull/unhealthy.