Your child is causing a ruckus during a wedding ceremony. Be honest. Would you remove them pronto?

[HarrietKettle]

I'm not just talking about full on purple-faced crying kind of kicking off, I'm talking about making any noise, that is distracting, grizzling, or shouting out. Or what some parents might call 'just babbling'.

Obviously it's mega-hard to convey to a toddler that quiet means actual silence, I totally get that. And yes it's cute when they make their little noises or exclaim enthusiastically but not when I'm actually reciting my wedding vows.

I've said no children in my wedding ceremony and, preferably during the speeches, which they'll find boring (wait, I've made provisions for this!) and it's causing raised eyebrows. My nephew will be just two. He's cute. He's very funny. Everyone dotes on him. He's quite rambunctious and vocal. I've been assured he 'won't cry'. I have three other cousins around a similar age and I'm sure their parents will say the same thing, that if they kick up a fuss they'll be 'taken out'.

But will they? Because in my experience unless it's a full on meltdown the parents really don't consider it a distraction and will just jiggle them on their knees a bit and beam around the room.

My provision for the five or so young children that will be attending the day is, a nice little room in the hotel, with a qualified nanny in it, iPads, toys, sweets, colouring books. The only time I'm going to absolutely insist they remain in there is for the 20 or so minute ceremony. This has caused a bit of 'how can you not want your own nephew to watch you get married?' from my brother and a 'I'm not very happy leaving my child with a total stranger' from SIL. The consensus from them is that it's 'sad' not to appreciate the joy children can bring to a wedding that's at a really not-child-friendly- hotel with marble floors and stone steps and no outside space. The other parents don't know about any of this yet.

So, AIBU to think that any child noise in a ceremony is distracting and it's fine not to be on board with that? The inevitable scuffling out of the row and towards the doors at the back of a small child has indeed reached the point where it can be deemed a meltdown is distracting also, and, yes I know I should one of those relaxed brides that just titters and smiles beatifically, but I just won't be, I'll be pissed off.

And this is why I've booked a nanny for the weekend I am getting married so I can go away and get married and don't have my 2 under 3's ruining proceedings!
I can't Wait!

Entirely up to you, OP. I’d speak to all the parents and kindly ask them to take their kids out if they started making a racket. I think the nanny room is a brilliant idea but like others have pointed out, young kids might not settle with a stranger so maybe let the young ‘uns in and tell the parents to sort them out if they get restless.

My boy is 14 months and he’s been to three weddings with us. At seven weeks I held and rocked him at the back throughout the whole ceremony (my arms!) and it was fine as he just got sleepy. At around six months he was all cute and babbling to begin with but rapidly lost his shit when the organs started playing. I spent the rest of the ceremony in the car park with him and I didn’t mind at all as a) the couple could enjoy their moment uninterrupted and b) it was lush and sunny! The last wedding was a couple of weeks ago and my son was surprisingly good. We sat at the back again so could have made a swift exit if necessary but a couple of Kiddylicious crisps sorted him out. (He did get fussy during the meal though after which I retired into our hotel room with him and he went to sleep and I had a bath. It was a bit dull but at least I didn’t wake up with a hangover.)

I would be very clear that the kids can't come to the ceremony or speeches - non-negotiable
The options are

• kids with the nanny
• DB or SIL stay in the nanny room if they don't want to leave the kids alone with a stranger
• they leave the kids at home with a babysitter
• one of them stays home with the kids
• they may flounce and none of them come - that's the risk you take when you say kids are not welcome - in my view you are being very accomodating, kids can come & you have made provision for the short periods that you don't want kids there - but whatever you do will never be enough for some people!

God yes of course. I’d also make sure I was right at the end of a pew and near an exit. Frankly my toddler is too young to understand when to be quiet and while that’s totally not his fault, it’s not something I’d want to impose on a wedding. I’d try to just duck out of the church bit.

The reality is that little kids and babies don’t have the self control to stay quiet, so if you want quiet (which is not unreasonable!) you need to specify child free at the wedding, or, as you have done, supply a nanny.

If we go to a wedding or a christening we sit on the furthest row back so that if DS does get bored we can take him out. Although, we go to church every week so he has a bit of an understanding of being quiet in church now.

Attended one wedding when he was about 9 months but left him with a babysitter. I'm very close to the bride, and she was insistent that children were welcome but then went on to do a long spiel about how much she'd spent on a videographer and didn't want to hear children in it. There were lots of other children there, that were very noisy and she was devastated.

It's your wedding and you've put provisions in place for children during your ceremony and speeches. I'd be more than happy to leave DS but we use babysitters in hotels etc so used to leaving him for a few hours with a relative stranger.

My half sister was 16mo at my wedding and she screamed through both the ceremony and the speeches and not once did my DF or his wife move to take her out. While it didn't ruin it for me per se at the time, it was annoying and really spoiled it for my DM who was in front of them and could barely hear the vows, and somewhat spoiled the video. So YANBU to insist on child free - actually you've given a good choice really as you've provided childcare if they want to use it.

When DD1 was 2 our friends got married and we sat at the back so as to make a quick run out if she made any noise - she was silent though. I did take her out for the speeches as it was obvious she was restless

Yeah, I get the nanny stranger thing, but the ages of the children will be, 2,2,2,3,4,5. Surely at least the two older ones will be ok to watch Octonauts abdceat s few milky buttons away from Mum and Dad?!

For the others, well, I suppose if they're not happy being left, a parent has to miss the ceremony.

No way can the kids meet the nanny a few days beforehand as per a PP suggestions as they don't all live in one place not ferrying a nanny (she can bring a childcare assistant too, I haven't looked into that yet) all over the UK to meet children before my wedding so they can get to know her

OR, if any parents can possibly manage it, the ideal thing to do would be to not bring the kids at all.

Oh and as for the comment about IKEA. They have a really fun play area, don't take children under 3, and have multiple staff (crucially one can deal with toilet/first aid whilst others available to supervise). But if my DC didn't want to go I wouldn't force them (and didn't, the youngest wasn't as keen so tended not to go).
Very different from being such in a random room with 1 unfamiliar Nanny and limited activities.

We had 70 to our wedding, 40 were kids (between 6months and 16years) -

was it silent - no, did people take out noisy kids - no,

did it matter - no.

We had a blast - but we wanted children there - they are as much a part of our family as the adults (and many are much more likeable!)

My SIL requested no children at her wedding, so I stayed outside on the lawn with my 2.5 year old while DH watched the ceremony. Thankfully it was a lovely sunny day and she's since said that hearing the distant sounds of a load of children playing outside was actually quite nice.
I hate taking my kids to wedding ceremonies and always sit near the back so that DH or I can take them outside if they make any noise.
Our wedding was quite small and I didn't really think about the fact that there were three or four children around - I wasn't particularly bothered by the ceremony part and was eager to get it over and done with and just BE married!
I think yours is a lovely idea OP. I'd love to be shot of my kids during a wedding ceremony and it's certainly less stressful than having to put arrangements in place for a child free wedding. My lovely MIL actually came with us for my friend's child free wedding. Eldest by that time was well behaved and had been fully briefed, so the bride was happy to have her at the ceremony, but MIL looked after both kids back at our hotel during the reception and by all accounts they had a lovely time (and so did we). We'd never left the littlest one overnight at that point and the wedding was quite a distance away so we made a weekend of it.
Your wedding plan sounds like a great compromise.x

Mines older but wouldn't be quiet all the way through so either one of us would stay outside with him or we wouldn't go at all ( depending upon how much we wanted to go to the wedding). The crèche would always not have been an option but I would have not taken a child to the ceremony if it was no children.
I have been to one wedding where the bride said before it that they were happy with low level child noise and she didn't want people to take them out for that reason so not everyone is bothered about it being completely quiet.

It would depend on my relationship to the b&g and my knowledge of how uptight they were. If it were my wedding I wouldn't mind babbling and laughing at all.

YANBU. It's your wedding.

My BFF was getting married and had a very child friendly ceremony (we all have kids the same age, about 3yo at the time). I missed their vows because I was occupying my son so he wouldn't spoil such a special moment. When it was over there wasn't a dry eye in the house because the groom, who is usually monosyllabic, wrote her the most beautiful poem and talked about how much he loved her. I missed it and I am still gutted 4 years on.
I would have happily left them in a room to play for an hour during the ceremony. I daresay the kids would have been happier too.
I love kids at weddings, I had them at my own, but at certain times they need to be managed. There was a little corner of the restaurant with craft supplies and comfy chairs where all the kids could go hang out while we speechified and visited with each other.

A 'x'? Euugh - sorry about that. 😶

Best thing i ever did was a child free wedding. My mum had breast cancer, my gran a brain tumour so loud sounds went straight through her, so wanted a quiet adult friendly wedding. Everyone stayed hours. No drinking as such but playing big jengo next to a roaring log fire. Your wedding, your choice! If your sil cant come due to childcare you have to understand that

As a parent I found it really stressful taking my loud baby to weddings. She lasted a max of 5 mins of the ceremony before she was whisked out of the room. Normally with people telling me to stay and them therefore not letting me or dh make a silent exit!

At my wedding I did get a bit distracted by my niece chatting a bit but I didn't mind at all as I love her. But if you don't want kids at your ceremony then don't have them. Stand firm!

I think you've been really considerate. It feels a bit overly precious for someone to say that they can't leave their child for a matter of minutes with a trained nanny. It seems like they are taking this personally, as a slight on the child, rather than as a sensible compromise between "absolutely no kids" and a free-for all.

And I'm not the sort of person who is bothered by child noise at a wedding! (I think a bomb could have gone off during our vows and I wouldn't have noticed).

YANBU, OP.

Of course my kids are my world but I accept that to everyone else they are just kids - their need to make noise does not take precedence over someone’s wedding.

If ds wouldnt settle with the nanny either dh or I would stay out with him. If you attend a wedding as a couple then it’s generally that it’s more important/better known to one of you anyway, so one person isnt going to be fussed by missing the ceremony.

Stick to your guns - we had a child free wedding (babes in arms allowed) because neither venue was safe for kids and we wanted it to be an adult party. Don’t bend to the pressure ;)

Dd wouldn’t have let me leave her some someone she didn’t know at an occasion like that when she was a toddler, but I would’ve been happy to stay in the children’s room whilst dh went to the ceremony (assuming it was my in laws, if it was the other way and my family then dh would stay in the child’s room with dd).

I would suggest rethinking having sweets in the child’s room though as they may well then get very full of energy and loud for straight after the wedding from the sugar energy.

Bekabeech if I could possibly program a child to whisper 'how pretty' during the ceremony had make no other noise, well, that would be lovely, but that's not really how children work, is it?

I would, definitely.

YADNBU!

I would LOVE to leave my DC with a nanny to enjoy the grown up parts of a wedding

I wouldn’t even take my toddler in to the ceremony to be honest. I’d find it too stressful and be anxious that she would make a noise.

We are invited to a wedding soon. I don’t know if it’s child free or not but we won’t be taking her!

if I could possibly program a child to whisper 'how pretty' during the ceremony had make no other noise, well, that would be lovely, but that's not really how children work, is it

nope - my 18month old nephew farted really loudly at the "Does anyone have any reason why..." question, made the whole room explode with laughter -

we were never going to have anyone saying "how pretty" at our wedding though, we are simply not that sort of people...

OP I think you're being very reasonable and providing an easy solution for those with small children.