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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have thrown the PS4 across the room.........

240 replies

HorridNastyMum · 21/03/2018 17:30

Feel a mixture of relief and guilt that I did it.

It's beyond repair.

DS(16) is extremely upset.

Backstory is:

He has SN, has been homeschooled for 4 months due to behaviour issues and anxiety. He has become fixated on gaming and will not self regulate, accept time limits or let his brothers play without massive tantrums. When he loses a game he has outbursts of anger and swearing and he can be irritable as he was this afternoon with his younger brother - he slapped him.
He will refuse to leave the house and wants to game all day.

Thing is the PS4 is jointly owned with his twin who hardly gets a look in anyway.

DH is a bit Hmm as in 'we paid money for that'.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/03/2018 21:14

@HorridNastyMum I'm sure your main regret is not binning or selling it ages ago, sounds like life has been tough for a long time Thanks

NC4Now · 21/03/2018 21:16

Lots of us are parenting kids with SN and lots of us really understand the frustration.
That’s not to say it’s Ok to throw stuff around.
I can totally understand reaching the end of your tether and the feelings that led to smashing it, but I can’t say YANBU.
It’s just not something I could ever justify.

user1494670108 · 21/03/2018 21:17

The main issue surely is that you haven't really solved the problem, there's still an x box and he'll still have a gaming addiction just with no outlet.
I don't know what the solution is and your situation sounds incredibly difficult but breaking it does seem unfair on his siblings ( then again so was your ds behaviour towards them over it) you're stuck between a rock and a hard place

abbsisspartacus · 21/03/2018 22:11

I sympathise because I came close to snapping today d's with sen ill since yesterday no sleep constant screams of pain so I got no sleep asked his gamer brother (also sen but not recognised by the school so no support there) to pass him something he refused I asked him he yelled at me this kid is nine fucking years old and screeching at me for being lazy so I slammed the lid down in his laptop and after he had thrown a fit I put him in electrical time out and refused to put the password in till he settled down

I really wanted to break it I'm so tired

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 22:16

You're abusive. Simple. Because if you was a man that is what was being said.
If your son threw your property as he felt he wasn't getting enough attention from you then you would be told to get help.

Simply take it off him. Act strong. Don't give it back. I suggest you reimburse your other son somehow as you've just got rid of his privilege for nothjng.

Rachie1973 · 21/03/2018 22:19

OP behaved in a twattish way.

The backstory is irrelevant because she only asked if she was U throwing the PS4 across the room.

As the parent of an SEN kid who wouldn't let up and kept on and on and on and on and on and on I know how it feels.

As an adult, I know better than to throw things across a room.

If OP and the other soft soapers want to make excuses for what is nothing more than someone having a tantrum then so be it.

WonderLime · 21/03/2018 22:33

I do think YABU. You've just reinforced the idea to your violent SN son that actually it's fine to respond with aggression when someone upsets him. You've basically acted exactly like he has: lost game = hitting brother. Him upsetting you = destroying other people's property.

Don't be surprised if his outbursts get worse and no include smashing up your things.

shortsaint · 21/03/2018 22:36

I totally understand. My approach is to take the controllers (x box here) at bedtime and put them in the boot of my car .. and drive to work with them.

HopeClearwater · 21/03/2018 23:14

Try to imagine how parents managed with these conditions 20 years ago

They managed without the specific, intolerable pressures that gaming addiction behaviour causes. That’s not to say there weren’t intolerable pressures. But there wasn’t THIS one.

A pp made a point about de-stressing from school and using gaming to do this. I don’t understand - these games CAUSE a high level of anger and frustration in young, developing minds. How can this be called de-stressing?

Skarossinkplunger · 21/03/2018 23:19

What a terrible example to set a child.

TheStoic · 22/03/2018 00:47

I've threatened to throw my son's PS4 out the window, but I haven't done it. Yet. I completely understand your frustration, OP.

ittakes2 · 22/03/2018 00:51

In the nicest possible way - I think he might have got his inability to deal with frustration from you. You have to remember you are his role model. You’ve taught him it’s ok to damage property when you are mad.

CherryMaDeary · 22/03/2018 01:12

My, such perfect parents on this thread!

OP, don't worry about it, it might just be the kick up the bum he needs.

If he starts in the Xbox, give it away to charity.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/03/2018 01:23

Here's an idea for all you stupid, spiteful whinyarses who think this behaviour is OK because, boohoo, your DC like playing computer games.
STOP restricting their gametime for pointless reasons like 'you should be outside/interacting with me/doing something else'. Stop whining. All this dumbfuck paranoia about 'computers' and 'screen time' is actually causing the problems you moan about. If you are clear with DC that once they have done their homework or anything else really necessary, they can play as much as they want, things will improve. Because you are causing a lot of the problems by imposing your own irrational, media-driven dislike of technology on them - when people know their access to something pleasant is going to be limited because of the whims of some unimaginative, officious bully, they will crave it much more. If they can have the thing they want without it being such a big deal, they are likely to develop a better relationship with it.

BWatchWatcher · 22/03/2018 01:34

OP, you are obviously at the end of your tether.
How nice of everyone to hoik up their judgey pants and tell you what a horrible parent you are.
slow clap

surgeryadvicepls · 22/03/2018 03:27

I think it’s quite dramatic and overboard although I understand why you are frustrated.

The thing is, your son has SN. I don’t know your son but he may fixate on certain things, get ‘lost’ in a fantasy gaming world or not know how to manage his temper due to his SN. So although he’s acting out, he obviously doesn’t know how to control himself. His SN probably influences his reaction to things and his love of gaming. So you throwing and destroying the console probably wasn’t the best way to handle things as he needs extra help and support.

Again I can see why you were frustrated but there were better ways to handle the situation. Think about it, you have spited yourself who paid for it, and your other twin who no longer has access to the console either. The twin is being punished now, even though your anger was directed at your other son. They may have lost their game saves/progress - which would be devastating to a ‘gamer’. Also you have made yourself stoop down to his level and look unreasonably angry, as evidenced by your husband’s reaction

HuskyMcClusky · 22/03/2018 03:39

He’s been taken out of school for anxiety, he retreats to his safe space. You don’t think his safe space is appropriate so destroy his property and his trust in you. Now he has anxiety and no safe space.

What a load of utter bollocks.

OP - throwing it across the room was not good. You know that. Reacting with anger and violence never is.

That said, fuck it. Getting rid of the games console(s) will do him good. It’s obviously not helping him any, is it?

Reanimated, you sound insane. ‘Officious bully’? It’s called being a parent. Try it. Weirdo gaming apologist.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/03/2018 03:45

And yes, I do hate gaming, particularly for children who tend to be obsessive and have difficulty controlling their moods anyway. I think it has a terrible effect on them. I don’t believe it’s the same as ‘any other toy/leisure activity’. It’s addictive and it’s ruining childhood.

Flame away. I give not a fuck.

SD1978 · 22/03/2018 03:47

I understand you were frustrated. However you’re the adult. He has melt downs b cause he has SEN. You just lost the rag. He bugs you until you give it back if it’s confiscated. That’s on you really- you’re the adult, and decide to give in. I’m sure you were just frustrated, but that has also shown him that when things anger you, it’s ok to throw them away. Hopefully he takes it the way you meant and all goes ok

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/03/2018 03:56

The throwing is a bit unreasonable, not the best example, could have been handled better, yadda, yadda. But sounds like, overall, it's a good result for your family.

What's your response to his requests for a new one?

TheStoic · 22/03/2018 04:46

Reanimated, you sound insane. ‘Officious bully’? It’s called being a parent. Try it. Weirdo gaming apologist.

Was just thinking that. Crikey.

PremierNaps · 22/03/2018 04:57

You could have just sold it on eBay no need to have a tantrum yourself

LiquoricePickle · 22/03/2018 05:00

Why come on AIBU?

Obviously YABU. But you don't actually want to know what anyone else thinks.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/03/2018 05:02

He’s 16, not six. Seeing that his mother can be human and snap if pushed too far is not going to scar him for life.

Nobody is recommending it as a parenting technique, but give the woman a break.

BuzzyBuzzyBea · 22/03/2018 05:23

I looked at the title and wondered ooh child or gamer widow.

As someone who gets anxious, the best way for me to calm down is to play a game, although on my phone. As it takes your mind off whatever, it calms you down, it's also enjoyable.

I think it's possible you're frustrated with the situation. My style of parenting is more never smack or shout, as that's me loosing my temper. So I would say throwing the console over the room kind of sets a bad example to DC that when they get angry it's fine to launch something over the room irrespective of price.

If you take it a different way, say DC or DH was angry at you and smashed something you cherish. You'd be pretty upset, angry, so many different emotions.

I don't know if it still works or not, but you've now ruined it for both DC. So the other DC is going to be annoyed at you & their sibling as they've lost out again.

At 16 I wouldn't necessarily expect a child, especially one with SN to self regulate. In an ideal world yes, but gaming is such a big thing, people have become famous and rich off YouTube and Twitch for gaming. So if you were merely just shy and it was something you enjoyed, up to any age there's the potential of them gaming for a while.

A solution would be to put a ban on it, take it away possibly, but to smash it up, not as much.

I think you have to be in a gamers mindset to understand what it means to them.

Another option would be seeking a decent condition PS4 for the twin so they have one each.

I get why your DH is angry, they are expensive, plus be possible recognised DC was using it as a tool to control their emotions and behaviours. Plus he might also believe we should try and set a positive example to DC.

If you'd come to us before launching it to let off steam, we could have advised that for teens w/o SN gaming can be a big thing. With DC having SN it's his way of escaping.

I understand that they've got work to do, you need to find a way around that, maybe you need support in doing that.

But gaming is honestly a HUGE thing so self regulation is hard at any age. I had a BF actually a few, who would game all day, not get house work done. But I understood that for one who was depressed, it was a form of escapism.

I hope this makes sense.

Maybe google gamers on Twitch & YouTube and see how much they game. One became famous recently due to this game Fortnight, he earns a million a month just from people viewing and subscribing, that's without sponsorship revenue. To be fair not every gamer is going to achieve that, but gaming can allow you to have friends with mutual interests, you all buddy up on certain games.

I know of one person who couldn't afford a PS4 when it came out, so the group they were in All put money together to buy them the console and games so they weren't missing out. That's how strong the bond can be.