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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have thrown the PS4 across the room.........

240 replies

HorridNastyMum · 21/03/2018 17:30

Feel a mixture of relief and guilt that I did it.

It's beyond repair.

DS(16) is extremely upset.

Backstory is:

He has SN, has been homeschooled for 4 months due to behaviour issues and anxiety. He has become fixated on gaming and will not self regulate, accept time limits or let his brothers play without massive tantrums. When he loses a game he has outbursts of anger and swearing and he can be irritable as he was this afternoon with his younger brother - he slapped him.
He will refuse to leave the house and wants to game all day.

Thing is the PS4 is jointly owned with his twin who hardly gets a look in anyway.

DH is a bit Hmm as in 'we paid money for that'.

OP posts:
Original poster
HorridNastyMum · 21/03/2018 19:20

I didn't throw it about self regulation. I throw it out of frustration that he'd whacked his little brother again because he didn't want to get off it. Nipped up to the loo, cue screaming and shouting and swearing from downstairs.

DS does not get that his brother is half his age and a third of his size, and the aggression and tempers from his frustration at gaming does not help.

We are well rid. He even hides it himself just so we can't confiscate it and will ransack the house looking for it. As if we haven't tried to teach him boundaries - pah!

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 21/03/2018 19:24

Think I’d have removed it indefinitely before it got to this tbh.

Fairenuff · 21/03/2018 19:25

Ok then, yeah OP you did a great thing.

You were very angry and you showed it by aggressively breaking something that your ds really enjoyed and wanted.

But his sn made you do it so that's fine. I'm sure that he will cope with both the fact that his mother was violent and that his possession has been destroyed.

Sure, you feel a tiny bit guilty but hell, who hasn't broken someone's else's belongings because they were pissed off with them

That better?

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 19:25

I feel sorry for him, you genuinely have no remorse and no idea about his anxiety.
Hope it all turns out ok but one day you might have to accept responsibility

Terfragette69 · 21/03/2018 19:29

Is he on medication op?

Duckies · 21/03/2018 19:33

If you don't think you owe them any remorse, at least give the defense you've given here about how in your mind it was a reasonable response to the hold you believe the technology had over your life. Otherwise you have no control over the lesson they take from this experience and it is unlikely to be as specific as you seem to think ("PS4 had to go")

Notthemessiah · 21/03/2018 19:42

You could have taken it away permanently, sold it, given it to charity, all of which would still have been an admission of failure on your part to be able to regulate your son's screentime, but at least it would have been the grown-up way of doing it.
Instead, not only have you failed but you've set your kids a really poor example on top of it, showing them that it's OK to destroy stuff if and when you get frustrated (if you're in a position of power anyway).
Of course everyone gets angry and makes mistakes, but even now you're talking as if this is all perfectly ok and totally justified. Excellent parenting.

NotACleverName · 21/03/2018 19:44

Oh, is this one of those threads?

OP: WIBU?
MN: yes, you were. Horrifically so.
OP: no I'm not, you're all mean poopy heads

UnicornRainbowColours · 21/03/2018 19:45

OP I am a nanny and 4 years ago I did a temp job with two sets of twins. The eldest twins were 12 and the boy had autism and like your son was home schooled. He was obsessed with mine craft and watching you tube mine craft demo videos. And getting him to stop was hard workX I would get things thrown at me and shouted at so I totally understand you loosing your patience.

But you are the adult and it’s up to you to set boundried and rules. But I know it’s very hard for children with SN to follow and understand rules.

Butchmanda · 21/03/2018 19:49

ASD and gaming are a toxic mixture. We have similar problems in our house. Even if regulated (for which I get verbally abused) it does my son's mood no good at all. Hate their bloody devices.

Butchmanda · 21/03/2018 19:50

All very well other parents talking about boundaries. FFS these kids try the patience of a goddam bloody Saint.

midsummabreak · 21/03/2018 19:54

Addiction to gaming is such a stressful problem for parents and I feel your pain. Im sure many of us have thought of destroying the PS4/tablet/laptop /phone Gaming especially has such a hold over children with SN who become very upset when they have to leave a game in the middle and become addicted to tallying points and cant see that it is designed to be endless, to keep them playing and buying the latest game.

But please be honest to yourself and your son that you lost control of your anger, and destroying his and his brother's property entitles them both to an apology and replacement.

Yes, you do have a right to calmly set and maintain clearly defined limits to PS4 use but, no, you don't have the right to destroy their PS4 in anger

Poor emotional control both sides.

HeedMove · 21/03/2018 19:55

He gets aggressive and had temoers and you are trying to show this is unacceptable behaviour by having a temper and trowing it aggressively. Yeah that makes sense.

Id of just taken it to the skip or sold it/donated it to charity.

Yabu.

ChikiTIKI · 21/03/2018 20:01

I am not surprised you smashed it. Never been in a situation like that myself but I honestly expect I would have done the same. I only have one small baby so never had to discipline before but reckon I will be a parent to her like my dad was to me... Very very very rarely he lost his temper, but when he did, you wouldn't forget about it for a long time! Kept us in line, didn't do any harm.

ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 21/03/2018 20:03

Absolutely ridiculous. Need I say more?

Fairenuff · 21/03/2018 20:04

If gaming was such a problem you wouldn't have it at all in your house. But it does serve a purpose sometimes when you want your child to be calm, quiet and engaged.

You can't have it both ways. If you are using technology as a reward/calm time you cannot suddenly say it is the cause of all the problems.

Try to imagine how parents managed with these conditions 20 years ago.

Babyplaymat · 21/03/2018 20:12

Well, you just reinforced to him how to behave when angry. I'm sure you'll love it when he does similar, and demonstrates a similar lack of respect for belongings.

Honestly, he needs time and space to recover from school.

Caterpillarx1 · 21/03/2018 20:18

Having a son with SEN myself, I can sympathise and understand. you lost your temper, they really push you to your limit. Just learn from what you done and try and handle in a calmer manner next time. I hope you and your DS are both ok. Maybe try talking to him tonight so he doesn’t go to bed full of anxiety. Tell him your sorry, you lost your temper. But he can’t be on it that much maybe you can help him find something else he enjoys doing. Flowers

Caterpillarx1 · 21/03/2018 20:20

OP Isn’t there a specialist school he could attended?

midsummabreak · 21/03/2018 20:24

Agree with Op, Butchmanda and others, it is very harrowing and stressful to deal with gaming addiction, and teens crap behaviour Often teens are trying 'everything in the book'to get more gaming time, including nasty and abusive tactics that lead parents to despair.
I am no saint by any means and have lost my temper and yelled at my son with SN when he refuses to get off PS4. We have tried hiding it, and sometimes he has found it!

They do retreat into their games, as it replaces their sometimes anxiety provoking, unhappy world of schoolwork and social challenges, with their latest fav game, which they have so much more control over, which understandably is addictive They get an instant 'high' and lots of endorphin release from the thrill of gaming, but getting a 'high' from completing schoolwork or socialising with peers is much more elusive.

whatisausername · 21/03/2018 20:34

Yanbu

IlikemyTeahot · 21/03/2018 20:38

Unless your in a position like OP you really have no idea how frustrating it can be to parent a child with ASD Im sure OP knows it wasnt the best behaviour to model but these kids can wear you down to breaking point, I've been there and back plenty of times. It's bad enough you have to keep a level head through having to constantly deal with something they don't like or even being attacked and it's even worse watching them attack their sibling for the millionth time that day because they dared to breath in their direction. It's extremely fucking hard work and will never ever get better.
I know how you feel OP
Except I imagine chopping my son's ps4 in half with an axe. It usually works. I also try to visualise how much shit I'd have to go through if I did actually do it. I've been close so many times. But then the my son shrieks when I've confiscated it is bad enough (and continues to ask and shout and shrieks more for the next few days nearly tips me over the edge) But in future destroying things might alleviate your anger for like 30 seconds but im sure you know there will be days of drama ahead. Good luck xx

RadioGaGoo · 21/03/2018 20:45

Greenyogagirl We get it. You think the OP is unreasonable. But by all means, keep proding.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2018 20:54

Horrifically? Hyperbole or hysteria?

Butchmanda · 21/03/2018 21:01

hollow laughter at the person asking if there is a special school he could attend? It is sooooo much more complicated. My son is an A star pupil and a total Angel at school. At home he's awful. That's a common scenario. Parenting kids like this is exhausting because we know there is another fight just around the corner. The effect it has on marriages and siblings can be devastating. I've done and said things which fill me with self-loathing. I am so far from being the parent I imagined I would be. Life is so very tough and it's impossible to keep ahead of the game. I think it's probably just so hard to understand if you haven't been there yourself. I probably would have judged too ...

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