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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have thrown the PS4 across the room.........

240 replies

HorridNastyMum · 21/03/2018 17:30

Feel a mixture of relief and guilt that I did it.

It's beyond repair.

DS(16) is extremely upset.

Backstory is:

He has SN, has been homeschooled for 4 months due to behaviour issues and anxiety. He has become fixated on gaming and will not self regulate, accept time limits or let his brothers play without massive tantrums. When he loses a game he has outbursts of anger and swearing and he can be irritable as he was this afternoon with his younger brother - he slapped him.
He will refuse to leave the house and wants to game all day.

Thing is the PS4 is jointly owned with his twin who hardly gets a look in anyway.

DH is a bit Hmm as in 'we paid money for that'.

OP posts:
Original poster
HorridNastyMum · 21/03/2018 18:17

He's just got out of the bath, that he had in a huff, apologised very grudgingly and asked when he's going to get a new one.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2018 18:17

Anyone else going to offer some practical advice?

Or is it just going to be an all jump on and make OP feel worse! I suspect her refusing to say she feels bad about it is infuriating some of the Peter Perfects... Personally, I like the adult who can say they did a wrong thing but that they feel all the better for it... before moving on and making things better for next time.

I'd like to have thought that most posters would see that everyone makes mistakes, nobody died, but things should have been handled differently/better, and offered some support for OP, so she could be better prepared for the inevitable next time!

But no.... OP, you just the literal worst... the worst I tells ya!

Pshaw!!

Starlight2345 · 21/03/2018 18:17

I did initially think from op someone at the end of the tether however subsequent posts suggest you don’t care .
You would not be unreasonable to remove it from the house, you would not be unreasonable to put in boundaries.
I have a child with ADHD and I believe PDA so do understand that saying no can be tough but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
I have had issues with my son’s phone recently after telling him what is expected over and again and him been not able/ willing to follow my rules it is removed for the foreseeable future. Parenting a child with SN’s is tough but they do still need parenting

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2018 18:19

asked when he's going to get a new one. Well, that opens up an opportunity to discuss actions and consequences. Good luck Smile

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 18:19

HE apologised to YOU?!
Curious nobody is perfect but I’d readily admit when I’ve made a mistake and ask for help to rectify it, op seems to think it’s a big joke and as someone who not only has a degree in special needs but a child with special needs it pisses me off.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2018 18:22

Oh dear! Maybe I am just not as judgemental and read a little bit less nastiness into OPs posts, more self deprecation and bemusement.

I quite like not leaping in to think the worst of people!

Maybe your degree should have included empathy for parents who just can't cope occasionally!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2018 18:22

Oh, and yes, of course he should have apologised, to his mother and his brother. It was, after all, his violence that set all of this off.

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 18:23

I have a son who is home ed and on the Xbox all of the time, I’ve been at breaking point and I understand the op completely. I would have a huge amount of sympathy for her if she actually admitted she was wrong and asked for help.

KriticalSoul · 21/03/2018 18:25

Parenting a kid with SN and obsessional habits IS hard. I do use confiscation of tablet/laptop/ps4 as punishment with DS. I also enforce sharing as each child has a designated day they can use it and they swap. (I've got two kids)

I make it clear that the games consoles are not his, they're mine, and as such, mistreatment of them or screaming at me gets him no-where other than banned. If he tantrums about coming off them when asked, they will disappear as his use of them is a privilege. I set a time they will be gone, I offer a carrot of him earning them back quicker with good behaviour.

Today, he had a mini meltdown because he wants to play Roblox, and he has to wait until I sign him into the laptop to play it, so he wanted me to get up at 6am tomorrow to sign him in. I made it clear that wasn't going to happen, and if the meltdown continued, the computer would disappear, and never mind having to wait the couple of hours for me to get up at 8am to sign him in, he wouldn't get to play it AT ALL.

He settled for waiting.

Tralalee · 21/03/2018 18:25

I wouldn't have a ps4 or an xbox if my kids were home educated.

I think YANBU op

Gilead · 21/03/2018 18:26

Flowers I suspect some of those judging haven't been in the situation. I have three who have an ASC. They're adults now, but I've been in the situation you are in and know exactly how you feel.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/03/2018 18:28

Maybe she will get there, if posters stop backing her into a corner...

... that is probably why she posted. To vent, to get some support!

All that in your face "You were fucking disgusting" attitude usually does piss people off, makes them less likely to be reasonable!

Which is why, when it is as evident as it is in this post, I do wonder what some posters get out being so unhelpful and downright judgemental!

Even for AIBU, this feels like a low blow to me!

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 18:30

Then she should have posted somewhere else. Surely if you post in AIBU you should expect to be told or at least think you might be unreasonable

Fairenuff · 21/03/2018 18:30

So he can apologise and OP can't. Who is the adult here? Who is the one with SN?

OP is looking for a pat on the back. She won't get it from me. Grow up.

Lunde · 21/03/2018 18:31

Sorry OP but I think you are in the wrong and you need to apologise to him for your inappropriate behaviour. Your son is out of school for behavioural issues and is watching the behaviour you model. And want sort of behaviour have you modelled for him? - that it's OK to throw a tantrum and break things.

You also say the it was "too difficult" to take things away because he nags to get the item back. So breaking things is easier than setting boundaries?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not unsympathetic to the problems. DD has ASD, ADHD, and anxiety - and we had some tough times setiing boundaries and working on behaviour. But what we never did was break things in anger (even though there were times when it was tempting) as SN kids mirror what adults do.

If someone had posted that their DH/P had broken stuff in a fit of anger - most would be talking about it being an abusive relationship.

TenancyTroublesAgain · 21/03/2018 18:34

YABU. Christ.

gamerchick · 21/03/2018 18:34

I don’t blame you for breaking it, however you must reign yourself in if he copies what you did and breaks something.

You do know that he’s harass you for another one instead of learning the lesson you wanted to teach him don’t you?

Do you have any outside support for you to help you cope and make strategies? I have an 11 yr old with SN and it’s bloody hard! I would struggle to cope without my support network Flowers

BarbarianMum · 21/03/2018 18:35

If the OP had been behaving in the same way as her son over a playstation/phone/whatever Id have a sneaking sympathy for a partner who reached the end of her tether and destroyed it personally. Of course, a husband could leave the relationship - an option not open to the OP.

It sounds like it needed to go - whether by breaking it or giving it away. Anxiety can't be dealt with healthily by retreating into gaming addiction any more than it can be helped by reaching for a bottle of whisky.

Fairenuff · 21/03/2018 18:38

Well, that opens up an opportunity to discuss actions and consequences.

So OP will have to explain that she will replace the item she broke by throwing it across the room in an aggressive pique of anger then?

I've worked with children like this. I know how hard it is to stay calm. But imagine if an adult did that in an educational setting. There is no way anyone would be making excuses for them.

willynillypie · 21/03/2018 18:41

Being a parent is hard - we have all done things in anger or said things we regret. What's done is done and there's no point beating yourself up about it - as your husband said, it's more annoying for you if anything as you paid for it! Completely understand why this happened in the heat of the moment, I would ignore all the hysterical judgement and try not to feel guilty. As people have said, now is a chance to sort of wean him off of the gaming and see if you can reintroduce it slowly when you see good behaviour.

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 18:42

Just out of curiosity will you be replacing his PS4?

hotcrossbunsandtea · 21/03/2018 18:45

I don't think anyone is saying that OP's situation isn't tough.

But she's the adult, the parent, the one who is supposed to stay calm. She's not meant to hurl her son's belongings across the room in anger - that's not how adults behave. If a man threw his wife's belongings across the room in anger, people would be telling her to leave him.

BarbarianMum · 21/03/2018 18:47

If she'd been behaving like the son in question they'd say he was being abused hotcrossed.

NotACleverName · 21/03/2018 18:47

Seriously? You destroyed his property and are asking if you’re unreasonable? Err, yes. You are so far past unreasonable it’s ridiculous.

How would you have felt if it was your husband hurling something of yours across the room in a temper tantrum?

You should be apologising to your son, not the other way around.

Congratulations on breaking something that you presumably paid for, too. 🤷🏻‍♀️

HopeClearwater · 21/03/2018 18:50

you need to deschool which in most cases means gaming non stop for months on end

WTF?!

What a complete and utter waste of a child’s life. Of anyone’s life.
Console games are in the main addictive and distracting. Hence the lack of ability of many adolescents to deal rationally and calmly with their removal.
OP, I have been so close to where you are.

Also, the son didn’t apologise because he felt sorry and isn’t going to lose his temper again. He apologised because he thinks it’s the best way to get another console.