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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to try to talk my ds out of auditioning for a female role in school play?

287 replies

obligations · 21/03/2018 10:43

My ds (11) loves acting, and has an asd which partly means he can get very stuck on an idea and find it hard to move on to make his own life easier.
His school will be putting on a summer play and the lead role is a female one - he is adamant he wants to audition for that role, although some pretty big parts are more obviously male, he says it would be sexist if he wasn't allowed go for the female part and really wants to. I explained his classmates might laugh at him but he says they shouldn't.
The problem is that he gets upset if he feels ridiculed and I had a word with his teacher to advise her that he might get upset if he gets laughed at and she has asked me to try to talk him out of it as there are 'social norms' that he should understand.
So I'm dreading having to tackle it but for him to have an easier time I really think I should. BTW he has never said he feels female, he just wants this role. Anyone got any advice on how best to approach this?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 21/03/2018 17:22

It does seem a bit to me as if people are bending over backwards to make sure boys get what they want. Plus ca change.................

peacheachpearplum · 21/03/2018 17:27

Stories get adapted although people don't seem to like change, "A black James Bond - impossible. A female Dr Who - the end of civilisation as we know it, oh hang on it didn't end civilisation as we know it after all." The Sound of Music isn't actually the play the OP is talking about but yes it could be changed, real stories are often changed for whatever reason.

Girls had governesses, boys often had tutors so it wouldn't be that odd. Another military service could be used, the Captain having been in the navy wasn't terribly relevant to the story.

Imagination can be used and it sounds like this teacher needs some, particularly if she chooses plays year after year with female leads, not that hard to find plays with good parts for both sexes.

OP I hope you manage to find a solution.

peacheachpearplum · 21/03/2018 17:29

It does seem a bit to me as if people are bending over backwards to make sure boys get what they want. Plus ca change He wants to audition, he isn't demanding the part, his mother isn't demanding he gets the part, he wants to audition for it. The teacher seems to bend over backwards to suit the girls if she has picked plays 4 years in a row with the main parts being for girls.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/03/2018 17:30

I can see why you’re concerned OP. My son is younger than yours and also has ASD. I can’t bear to have people be mean and laugh at him because it hurts him so much as he takes it to heart.

Honestly I don’t know what I’d do exactly but I think the teacher is being unfair to you to try and get him to not audition for the female part he likes just to presumably make her job easier so she then doesn’t have to deal with the fallout.

Your son sounds lovely btw Smile

thegreylady · 21/03/2018 17:42

My Year6 dgs has twice auditioned for and got female roles in the school play and the reaction of his classmates etc was brilliant. He has no gender confusion just fancied those parts. In the second play he was one of 3 boys playing female parts but in the first one there was only him. He was a natural and very funny (the plays were comedies).

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 17:47

peacheachpearplum thank you, you're right - nobody is demanding anything at all, my ds is just gung-ho about auditioning, I mentioned it to the teacher as I saw her in school about something else, and the conversation I reported ensued and she has sort of tasked me with persuading him from not auditioning. That is all that has happened. There are equal(ish) male and female roles.
The options:

  1. I could ask her if the girls are allowed audition for a male role, and if they are and he isn't allowed or is supposed to be dissuaded from auditioning from the female role I could make a fuss about gender parity.
  2. I could tell her that I think the various roles should be open to everyone, and then if she agrees and he decides to go for it I could ask her to remind the class not to laugh, and try to build up his resilience if they do and remind him what might be at stake.
  3. I could tell him that the teacher thinks it would be a bad idea as it is a very girly role and we're worried he might be laughed at, and encourage him to go for a male role.
  4. I could ask her to tell the class that there are definite male and female roles, and only boys can go for male roles and girls go for female roles.
  5. I could ask her to tell the class the main character needs to have long hair and tell him that unfortunately he'd need to be a particular type to audition as they don't want anyone to wear a wig (?!)
  6. I could just not do anything and see how it pans out, knowing he is unlikely to get the role, and likely to be laughed at.
OP posts:
Acopyofacopy · 21/03/2018 17:49

Sorry, but if last year Anna was allowed to be Robin Hood then there is absolutely no reason why this year your ds shouldn’t audition for Maria (or whatever). If the role requires long hair he can wear a wig.

I would really put down my foot here and get the teacher to cast the best fit, not the person with the fitting gender.

I cannot believe a school can be this hypocritical!

Bumbledumb · 21/03/2018 17:51

When I was 11 years old, I played Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, while one of my best friends got the role of Dorothy. He wore a short gingham dress and a wig with ponytails. I don't remember anyone laughing at him or teasing him over it.

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 17:53

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin thanks, yes I understand. And yes, he is lovely, very sweet and definitely not doing this for the attention, he says he just really loves pretending to be someone else so he can try to imagine how it feels not to be him and so he can pretend that he's braver and more confident than he really is. I guess for the last few years we've been talking about how it might feel to be someone else to help him understand other people a bit more and he's sort of taking that to the logical conclusion (well his logic).

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 21/03/2018 17:53

Sorry, OP-I didn't mean you were demanding anything-I was wandering off down the by ways of Mario Von Trapp.
I honestly think if I were you I would definitely discourage him from auditioning on a purely pragmatic basis. I think that unless they are an exceptional class of 11 year olds, some of them will laugh and I think you need to make choices for him that will prevent that. Is there a good boy role he could go for?

BustopherJones · 21/03/2018 17:55

Would he be ok with the explanation that he’d unlikely to get a female role unless there are no girls that can do it. Even if he is better than them. Would he be able to look at it from a casting breakdown type way, and see which parts he’s likely to get and go from there? It’s what you would do if you were going for a professional role. And it’s likely to be the truth so more straightforward.

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 18:06

BustopherJones will look into casting breakdown scenario, thank you. As long as it seems logical and fair it should be ok, it is just when he is very set on something and detects any unfairness that he gets upset.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/03/2018 18:09

You still haven’t answered though whether the girls are taking male parts because there are more girls auditioning than there are girl parts for them to take? It’s a pretty important distinction to be making especially when you need to explain to a child. Also especially when it’s primary school - there was only 4 girls in my year six class so our play had a female protagonist to give one of us a chance.

KarmaStar · 21/03/2018 18:09

Let him audition.

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 18:18

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira well I don't know, because the auditions haven't happened yet. In the past I'd say there were equal boys and girls that I know of but I haven't really analysed it in detail.... The way they do the auditions changes from year to year - so last year the children had to say what role they were going for. My ds went for the role of a witch (they were doing a couple of scenes from Macbeth, well Macbeth-lite) and didn't get it (3 girls did), mixed group went for Macbeth but a girl got it. A boy got Duncan. A girl got Lady Macbeth. Everyone else were sort of in the crowd, ds was an attendant.

OP posts:
Bodicea · 21/03/2018 18:30

If I was a girl auditioning and a boy got the part I wouldn’t be impressed. There are hardly any roles for females as it is without the men taking the few decent ones we have too!

BertrandRussell · 21/03/2018 18:32

But a girl got Macbeth last year..............

BustopherJones · 21/03/2018 18:33

Macbeth is a hell of a choice for a primary school play! I work in the industry, OP, and professionally it’s all up to the creative team - so the director and producers usually. They decide who they want to cast, and actors look at the breakdowns to see which roles they are suitable for.

Men usually only play women for comedic purposes - ie panto, or you often get Lady Bracknell played in drag (which is a real shame for the women as it’s a great part). Would he understand that people often read a man playing a female part as for laughs? I’m not saying it’s not unfair, but I would take that into account when thinking about casting a man to play a female role because of how it reads.

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 18:41

Well as I said, it was definitely Macbeth-lite...the whole not enough good roles for girls just hasn't been true in this case, and girls have predominated in the main roles even though I'd say there are only a few more girls than boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 18:42

And there isn't much of a creative team here - just primary school level, no dedicated drama teacher, just a music one

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 21/03/2018 18:43

“Macbeth is a hell of a choice for a primary school play!”

“Shakespeare for Schools” I imagine, Taught my 16 year old the invaluable skill of vamping iambic pentameters until he found his place again........

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 21/03/2018 18:44

If I was a girl auditioning and a boy got the part I wouldn’t be impressed.

If the casting were truly gender-neutral it wouldn't matter.

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 18:45

BertrandRussell is it? I don't know - funny thing is my dh and I are pretty self-conscious and were always hiding in the background for anything drama-related!

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 21/03/2018 18:57

I hear you op, there are ideals, and there are letting your child suffer. So I think my response would be to explain to him that ridicule is the likely outcome, and get him to imagine standing up there and taking that. Also explain that not all kids are as enlightened and insightful as him. If he still wants to go ahead, then I’d get behind him.

And on another track, does the plot depend on the lead being female? One of my kids was in Jane and the Giant Peach. If you think that has legs, run it past the teacher.

Good luck with it

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/03/2018 19:02

This all presupposes the role would go to him if only they changed it to a male lead. Maybe the girls should be allowed a look in? Op has said there are male and female roles which are roughly equal, but her ds just wants this one.