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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to try to talk my ds out of auditioning for a female role in school play?

287 replies

obligations · 21/03/2018 10:43

My ds (11) loves acting, and has an asd which partly means he can get very stuck on an idea and find it hard to move on to make his own life easier.
His school will be putting on a summer play and the lead role is a female one - he is adamant he wants to audition for that role, although some pretty big parts are more obviously male, he says it would be sexist if he wasn't allowed go for the female part and really wants to. I explained his classmates might laugh at him but he says they shouldn't.
The problem is that he gets upset if he feels ridiculed and I had a word with his teacher to advise her that he might get upset if he gets laughed at and she has asked me to try to talk him out of it as there are 'social norms' that he should understand.
So I'm dreading having to tackle it but for him to have an easier time I really think I should. BTW he has never said he feels female, he just wants this role. Anyone got any advice on how best to approach this?

OP posts:

ILoveAntButHateDec · 21/03/2018 13:13

I think it largely depends on what play it is. How many main parts there are and how evenly the parts are balanced between male and female roles. For example if it is Les Mis (which it’s not as the main character there is male. But just using this as an example) This show is male dominated with very few female parts so in this case I would think it unfair for a male to be cast in a female role, leaving another less role for the girls iyswim.

If it’s a play where the parts are evenly balanced and you can foresee your DS being ridiculed all you can do is steer him away and let him know how humiliated he will feel if he auditions.

If he still insists on auditioning for a female role there’s not much you can do other than let him make his own mistakes. It sounds like her won’t get the role anyway. Do your best to spell it out to him and enthuse lots about how brilliant he would be In one of the male roles.

Also explain to him that the girls will see it as unfair if he gets a female role and they are stuck with a minor male role and let him know the fallout from that.

Fairness works both ways....

Original poster

obligations · 21/03/2018 13:13

JessicaJonesJacket thanks, I agree. It is a very girlish part so not like playing say a queen in big robes. He has a really high singing voice (has been head chorister in a cathedral choir) so the singing is part of the draw for him.

OP posts:

StrangeAndUnusual · 21/03/2018 13:13

So glad that in my DC's primary school, it wouldn't raise a blink for a child to play a role of the opposite gender (either way round).

Morphene · 21/03/2018 13:15

op what makes you think I don't have experience with ASD?

You say your son has a lot of melt downs. I would imagine children laugh at him reasonably frequently. Children do laugh at each other a lot generally.

So why all the effort to avoid one more potential incident that may not even materialise?

Being told to suck up something that is so obviously unfair would cause a bigger longer term issue with either of the ASD children I know than a melt down due to people laughing.

So is your son genuinely different? It sounds from what you are saying that he is having a hard time accepting the unfairness here. Are you certain that forcing him to accept unfair treatment won't do more harm than the CHANCE (and its not a certainty - particularly if the teacher gets their shit together) that someone will laugh at him?

crochetmonkey69 · 21/03/2018 13:15

Again, the issue is that this teacher is inept, lacks understanding of ASD, appears to lack understanding of how DC behave and probably has really fucking limited skills when it comes to managing school plays. Is she new, I wonder, or the sort of old fart who wishes she could still give pupils a clip round the ear?

I don't think any of what has been said has suggested any of this

presented as an open audition for all. And it wouldn't be in front of the class with an opportunity for their peers to mock them.

Every school I have worked in has auditioned in this way- you are looking for students who are keen and confident to perform in front of big audiences for multiple nights- if they can't cope with an open audition then we encourage them to an ensemble role- building up to a bigger one when they are ready

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/03/2018 13:16

What made him decide he wanted the part in the first place? Has he played a lead role before?

Buxbaum · 21/03/2018 13:16

This is some pretty spectacular projection.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/03/2018 13:18

Isn't it just?

Original poster

obligations · 21/03/2018 13:19

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar he has played a fairly big role on stage, he has done an awful lot of public singing before in a choir, in operas, a musical and as a solo in church, and has been in two films (minor but speaking roles).

OP posts:

crochetmonkey69 · 21/03/2018 13:20

I particularly like the idea that you are inept if you are a new teacher, or indeed an old one . (breathes sigh of relief I am a bog standard middle of career teacher)

Sadik · 21/03/2018 13:21

Of course YANBU to talk your son out of auditioning if you are sure (within reasonable limits) that he will be laughed at by his classmates.

BUT I would be thinking very, very hard about the school in general if this kind of bullying is commonplace for kids who behave outside the norm.

I have a dd who struggles with social skills - she's much better now she's an older teen, but at your ds's age she would absolutely have been the one auditioning for the 'wrong' role. Her primary were fantastic at managing her (and other dc's) quirks - and also at very strongly giving out the message that laughing at people is always wrong.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/03/2018 13:21

I would say no because this is a role for a girl and he is not one. I would also be mindful of the bullying as he is 11 and not resilient. If he was 15 I’d be less worried about that. It’s a tricky one to balance because I don’t like the idea that he should moderate himself so he’s not picked on, but equally I don’t think at 11 he should be encouraged to start thinking any role should be available because he wants it.

I would also say it’s not the same as girls taking boys parts because there aren’t enough boys to take said parts. It’s also not the same as in pantomimes when the Dame is played by a man and the lead man is played by a woman.

IfNot · 21/03/2018 13:21

I imagine the male roles were going to girls because the majority of roles ARE male, and the majority of kids interested in drama are female.
I agree with everything Ajas said. I used to work in "the biz" and actresses massively outnumbered actors at auditions, yet the vast majority of plays have mainly male roles.
There is a great lack of decent female parts accross the whole of film, TV and theatre.
Oh, and the reason female parts were played by boys in Shakespeare's day was because a women on the stage was considered no better than a prostitute.
Shakespeare would have much preffered his female roles to be actual women!

Tell your son no-it wouldn't be fair.
Asd or not he can't have everything he wants just because he wants it.

Original poster

obligations · 21/03/2018 13:22

Morphene I wouldn't be telling him to 'suck it up', I'd be counselling him that there's a good chance he won't get it and that the others might laugh at him and while that's not very nice, it might be upsetting. He's doing ok as I said but there is absolutely not a chance any other boy in his class would dream of going for this role so I think it won't help in the long run.

OP posts:

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/03/2018 13:22

It sounds as if he feels the lead part should be his by rights, then...

How does he cope in films and on stage if he has the problems you've outlined?

crochetmonkey69 · 21/03/2018 13:22

If he's been in films, presumably the casting process for that was pretty 'set' in what they wanted- could this be a way of making it make sense to him for this situation too?

Skarossinkplunger · 21/03/2018 13:22

Frakka I can’t believe you called the op’s son “sexist” and “selfish”. He wants the part because of the singing, stop punishing a child with ASD for the patriarchy for fucks sake.

tinytemper66 · 21/03/2018 13:23

In Shakespeare's time it was the norm!

ILoveAntButHateDec · 21/03/2018 13:25

It sounds as if your DS has had lots of experience in lead roles in
plays and drama/Singing as a whole.

Someone else’s turn to shine now

Original poster

obligations · 21/03/2018 13:26

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar he has coped really well on stage and in films, he absolutely loves performing and is like a different person when he does. He says he has been using his 'acting' for when he meets new people and it helps him think of what to say.

OP posts:

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/03/2018 13:27

Yet you imagine he'll have a meltdown if he fails an audition for the school play?

MiniMum97 · 21/03/2018 13:27

I have a son with ASD and I would be worried about the ridicule too as it could cause a similar upset and distress. I would have tried to persuade him out of it. This isn't an issue about gender etc and your son is right that he shouldn't be ridiculed because of it. But they will ridicule him because kids are kids and you know he can't handle it and it will add significantly to the stress I am sure he always experienced around school. I would try to direct him to another part if you can. If you can't try to prepare him as much as possible for the fall-out.

If it were a string-minded child with good social skills who is prepared and happy to stand up to peers then I would be saying go for it. That isn't the case here.

Unless you've experienced it, you wouldn't know what it is like having a child who finds school as difficult as many of those with ASD do. It's heartbreaking having a child with no friends and who comes home crying everyday because of other children but understanding why your child doesn't behave like everyone else. Not the children's fault but I did everything I could to protect him from it including steering him away from things that would attract any further negative attention.

nellieellie · 21/03/2018 13:27

My son has ASD and finds some things difficult to understand. However, if this is a part for a girl, then I would tell him that. At the age of 4 or 5, maybe different. The fact is a female role is a female role, and a male role is a male role. That’s really NOT sexist. You ask him how many men play female roles in his favourite tv shows or films. It’s not a question of people laughing at him to my mind, it’s just that he is not a girl.

Original poster

obligations · 21/03/2018 13:29

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar no, I don't imagine he will have a meltdown if he 'fails' an audition, I imagine he will get upset if his classmates laugh at him. Different thing.

OP posts:

Luckyme2 · 21/03/2018 13:29

I would be talking him out of auditioning purely on the basis that it's going to be so upsetting for him.
Also - I'd probably raise an eyebrow if say Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz was played by a boy when there were plenty of talented girls in the school who wanted the part. I would feel less surprised by a boy playing the part of the witch though (more pantomime like if you know what I mean). Obviously if there aren't many girls wanting parts that would be different but having 2 DDs and seeing how much they have to compete with other girls for parts in plays I would be a bit if Dorothy was a boy meaning other girls lose out. No offence meant to your DS at all though and I can see how it may look unfair if girls get to audition for boys parts. But that is, usually, because there are far more girls than boys wanting parts.

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