AIBU to try to talk my ds out of auditioning for a female role in school play?

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My ds (11) loves acting, and has an asd which partly means he can get very stuck on an idea and find it hard to move on to make his own life easier.
His school will be putting on a summer play and the lead role is a female one - he is adamant he wants to audition for that role, although some pretty big parts are more obviously male, he says it would be sexist if he wasn't allowed go for the female part and really wants to. I explained his classmates might laugh at him but he says they shouldn't.
The problem is that he gets upset if he feels ridiculed and I had a word with his teacher to advise her that he might get upset if he gets laughed at and she has asked me to try to talk him out of it as there are 'social norms' that he should understand.
So I'm dreading having to tackle it but for him to have an easier time I really think I should. BTW he has never said he feels female, he just wants this role. Anyone got any advice on how best to approach this?

Marcipex I don't think he wants the dress (although I haven't asked him), he just loves acting and singing so he thinks the role that has the most lines and songs would be best. Might be best if the teacher says it should go to someone with long hair and I can show him examples of casting calls that ask for specific physical types.

I wonder how many times you have to tell a child not to do something in case they get bullied about it, before you totally destroy their confidence in who they are and permanently damage their self-esteem.

You don't stop bullying by appeasing bullies...you empower them.

Don't want to say what play it is in case other parents from school on here, thanks - his asd is a pretty recent diagnosis and we haven't shared it much.

If it was a girl going for a male role, we'd all be cheering her on! I think your DS should be allowed to audition for whatever part he likes, and so should any other child. It sounds as if the teacher won't choose him anyway, sadly (the way to stop bullying isn't by making children fit to stereotypes).

If he’s set on wanting to act could you sell it to him that the teacher is planning on casting girls for girls roles and boys for boys roles? So by auditioning for a gurl’s role he’ll be automically ‘disqualified’

So If he really wants a part, he needs to audition for a boy’s role.

Morphene this is a child who has got uncontrollably upset about many many things; we're working on his resilience and self-management but as the teacher seems pretty clear that he won't get the part I don't think there's much use setting him up like this. There's giving in to bullies and enough self-awareness not to walk yourself into a situation where you will be mocked and not be able to handle it.

I get you don't want your DS to be hurt by being laughed at. But you seem to have noticed how much you are hurting him by taking this chance away from him, siding with sexism and siding with the bullies.

If it wasn't going to hurt him to NOT audition, presumably you wouldn't still be looking for excuses several days later.

It will hurt him if you don't support him. So do you think its better for him to be hurt by his mother or some kids at school?

Whose support do you think means more to him?

A melt down will be bad, maybe for a whole week. Thinking your mother doesn't have your back will hurt a lot longer.

Veterinari many of the other main roles are male and I imagine the teacher will let girls audition for them. Maybe I do need to have a word with her, if it is explained that this is a girl's role but then girls are allowed go for the male roles, he's likely to see that as unfair. Is it unfair? I'm pretty confused by now.

Unfortunately it sounds like this is one of those situations for "it is unfair, but thats how it is. Sometimes life is unfair. I have talked to the teacher and she has confirmed that the part will only be given to a girl, so even if you do audition, you wont get it. Why don't we look again at if you want to try for any of the boy roles?".

I would THEN be independently raising a HUGE stink at the school about the blatant bias in casting girls ONLY for lead roles, regardless of the sex of the character and asking why such bald-faced favouritism is being allowed. If you let girls audition and get male characters then it should be equally allowed the other way around as well.

At least the school is being fair and letting them audition for parts.

When I was at school the teachers favourites simply got given everything!

Do you think he will realistically have the best audition anyway? If there’s only a slim chance they’ll give it to him, then let him try.

OP if the play has roughly equal parts for both genders it is transparently unfair to allow girls to apply for any part and boys to only go for male parts.

IF the play has massively more roles for male than female then it would be justifiable to say only girls can audition for both.

If it has massively more roles for female than male then it would be justifiable to say only boys can audition for both.

I think you are totally in the wrong. It is a female part for girls.
If there is a part for a black character are you going to say it is racist and insist white kids should be able to audition for it and black up?

Morphene please, try to have some empathy or try to understand what a child with asd might experience. He is doing ok in having friendships and is learning social skills, but he needs a lot of support from me and his father to understand how things work including social relations. The reason he likes acting is partly because he puts huge effort into 'acting' friendly and interested in others so that he feels more comfortable in the world and how it responds to him.

• It will hurt him if you don't support him. So do you think its better for him to be hurt by his mother or some kids at school? Whose support do you think means more to him? A melt down will be bad, maybe for a whole week. Thinking your mother doesn't have your back will hurt a lot longer.*

He knows I have his back, thanks.

If you tell your ds your worries about him being ridiculed and have warned him of that possibility then you have to let him go for it if he is still keen. Ok, so he is sensitive but you can't protect him from everything all the time.
Kids often have to learn how to deal with ridicule because unfortunately it happens in real life!

It doesn't sound liked the school would give him the part anyway.

Only you really know your son and how bad the fall out could potentially be. If you pushing the school to let him audition for the girls' role for ideological reasons sits fine with you because on balance the fallout won't be 'that' bad then crack on.

It's an audition for a play; we're perhaps talking weeks of laughing and sniggering. It sounds like the teacher probably won't give him the role anyway - so not only will you be 'that' parent that is pushing for 'equality' on ideological reasons, you'll also have a ds that faces a melt-down after all the laughing. 11yo's are also well adept at remembering that time when James auditioned for the part of Cinderella or whatever months down the line.

His ASD must make his life at school already very tough as it is. I don't think this is the hill you should die on, but then again only you know your son the best and what he can and can't cope with.

Personally I would be very unhappy with your DS' teacher and, regardless of whether or not you try to discourage your DS from auditioning, I would be having a firm discussion with her about discrimination and bullying. She is there to teach your DS, not tell him who to be.

Children in drama classes should get the opportunity to play a wide range of characters (different genders, ages, social backgrounds, motivations, etc), as it can help them to learn about society, whilst also learning empathy and confidence. I find it quite concerning that your DS' teacher seems to be so openly encouraging girls to do this while seemingly banning boys from doing so. She doesn't come across as a very good role model for her class.

I've also never heard of holding auditions in front of the whole class before - it puts unnecessary pressure on the children who are auditioning and also opens them up to bullying from the other children if they don't get the part they want, which is unfair.

As for there not being enough good parts for girls - this is true, but we can only try to address that in future by writing more inclusive plays, and by allowing girls (and boys!) the opportunity to portray characters of a different gender to them.

No why should boys play girls in plays?
It is no different to white children playing black children and everyone recognises that is wrong.

Sometimes life isn't fair. Often school isn't fair. As parents, we can only help our DCs to deal with the disappointments. We can't remove them.
I think you're right to discourage him from auditioning. The arguments about whether it's sexist or not, are ones you can have with the teacher without your DS' knowledge and input.
Because even if the school changed the policy, your DS would still have to stand up in front of the audience and sing a female part in a dress and children (and their parents) are very unforgiving.
If he was resilient enough to cope with any ridicule then he could make an informed decision about this but you've made it clear that he wouldn't be able to cope so you have to help him make the decision which suits him best.
tbh since it involves a lot of singing, I'd have opted for the argument that boys and girls have different ranges and he's not suitable for this part.

So in a Biblical play it's wrong when 'white' children play characters from Egypt and the Middle East?

As a rule, I don't think it's any more appropriate for a male to take a female role than it is for a white person to play a role written for a black person.

Why were the male roles going to female students in previous years, OP? Were there not enough boys interested in drama?

Again, the issue is that this teacher is inept, lacks understanding of ASD, appears to lack understanding of how DC behave and probably has really fucking limited skills when it comes to managing school plays. Is she new, I wonder, or the sort of old fart who wishes she could still give pupils a clip round the ear?

If she knew what she was doing, this situation would never have arisen. Either all DC would have been told that they can only audition for parts that they have the right physical state to play (sex, ethnicity, height, hair or whatever) or it would have been presented as an open audition for all. And it wouldn't be in front of the class with an opportunity for their peers to mock them.

Children in drama classes should get the opportunity to play a wide range of characters (different genders, ages, social backgrounds, motivations, etc), as it can help them to learn about society, whilst also learning empathy and confidence. I find it quite concerning that your DS' teacher seems to be so openly encouraging girls to do this while seemingly banning boys from doing so. She doesn't come across as a very good role model for her class.

If the teacher is doing a school show along a traditional format- think 'Grease' or 'Oliver' or that sort of thing then a boy playing a girl probably wouldn't fit- often, the amount of boys auditioning is smaller than the girls which may explain the girls having to play male roles.
If the show is more quirky- then gender neutral casting may be appropriate.
Presumably the teacher is guiding him - along with a lovely Mum- it doesn't mean they are caving to sexism or bullying. Frankly, the bravery and nuanced look at gender that some are suggesting on here are tricky for an adult to manage, let alone an 11 year old who is already learning his way in the world with ASD.

By 'Biblical' I mean things like the nativity and Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

I think the school should be telling the kids there are parts for girls and only girls should apply and parts for boys and only boys apply.

I don’t think you should allow your ds to audition. Neither should the school. He’s a boy. It’s a part for a girl.

If he loves acting and singing so much is he in a drama club etc out of school?