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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to try to talk my ds out of auditioning for a female role in school play?

287 replies

obligations · 21/03/2018 10:43

My ds (11) loves acting, and has an asd which partly means he can get very stuck on an idea and find it hard to move on to make his own life easier.
His school will be putting on a summer play and the lead role is a female one - he is adamant he wants to audition for that role, although some pretty big parts are more obviously male, he says it would be sexist if he wasn't allowed go for the female part and really wants to. I explained his classmates might laugh at him but he says they shouldn't.
The problem is that he gets upset if he feels ridiculed and I had a word with his teacher to advise her that he might get upset if he gets laughed at and she has asked me to try to talk him out of it as there are 'social norms' that he should understand.
So I'm dreading having to tackle it but for him to have an easier time I really think I should. BTW he has never said he feels female, he just wants this role. Anyone got any advice on how best to approach this?

OP posts:
OohMavis · 21/03/2018 13:31

There are times we should encourage our children to challenge society's narrow definitions of gender, and there are times we should just protect our children from the backlash of doing so. Especially if they aren't going to react and build strength from it as well as other children might, as in OP's son's case.

Mydoghatesthebath · 21/03/2018 13:34

Just because he thinks he is the best person for the part and you clearly do to does not mean he is? Op seriously don’t do this to him. You say he won’t get the part, he will have w melt down and he will be ridiculed.

Personally I would concentrate on teaching him coping strategies when he can’t always have his way., and I mean that really supportively.

Kleinzeit · 21/03/2018 13:38

Actually if the teacher prepares the ground and backs him up I don't see why he should laughed at. Cross-gender performances are all the rage these days, tomorrow I'm off to see the Royal Shakespeare Company "Julius Caesar" with a female Cassius. (And of course Shakespeare stagings were original all-male.) If the teacher lays out clearly in advance that anyone can audition for any role and that she welcomes all comers, she will cast according to suitability for roles, and expects all to be treated with respect, then there need not be a problem.

I'm a tiny bit annoyed that the teacher has asked me to talk him out of auditioning, she has had words with me before about him not always conforming

So the real problem is the teacher and her own conformity and/or cowardice in the face of other people's expectations? It may be hard to get your DS to deal with that.

GnotherGnu · 21/03/2018 13:40

A melt down will be bad, maybe for a whole week. Thinking your mother doesn't have your back will hurt a lot longer.

You're seriously minimising things, Morphene, if you think this is something that would disappear within a week. If you really believe the other kids will forget about it after a week, you have no knowledge of children.

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 13:40

Mydoghatesthebath I don't think he would be best for this part, I'm just really happy for him that he likes performing and it has helped him cope in an unexpected way with some of the situations he finds challenging. He is just so adamant - he can be reasoned with about some things but this time it is trickier.

Believe me, I am trying to teach him coping strategies, every day I am trying, and many nights I am trying, I was up with him until 3 o'clock this morning trying.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2018 13:42

I'm not sure this is relevant but my DD2 has just been cast in a very famous male Shakespearean role. As far as I know, nobody turned a hair at it. In fact, everyone at her school thought it was cool. She didn't audition for the part (it was the main, title role) but her drama teacher cast her

She is a little older than your DS (she was 14 when this happened, 15 now).

It's a really tough one isn't it? It's hard to argue against his logic (especially if girls are allowed in male parts) and you don't want to crush his enthusiasm. But equally you don't want him hurt either

I think the teacher's comments about social norms is terrible by the way

Kleinzeit · 21/03/2018 13:45

For your DS you might push the idea that some people might laugh but if they do then they are not laughing at him but at the idea of a boy playing a female role. (And more fool them, though you might not want to say that.) And help him plan how he might react in a dignified way if they do - if he has acting ability then perhaps he can use that to cope.

Luckyme2 · 21/03/2018 13:48

BitOutOfPractice your DDs teacher obviously thought she was the best person for the part. The issue here though is that the OPs DS's teacher has already said the part will be going to a girl AND the OP thinks her DS will be ridiculed AND he's not going to cope well with that. We don't know what the part is but personally I think if there's plenty of girls wanting parts and it's a singing and dancing musical theatre girly type part the teacher may be right that a girl is actually better suited. We don't know. We do know though that her DS is going to be very upset. I just wouldn't put him through it

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2018 13:51

I know luckyme2 - I did say the OP's was a tricky situation.

I was just sharing my very recent experience about swapped roles and saying that it was fine for my DD. I do realise here are different issues in play here though/

I'd just add that she did audition for a role. Just not the main role.

And yes, she was best for the part

Mydoghatesthebath · 21/03/2018 13:51

Sorry op I was in no way minimising your problem here. I think it’s very unfair for the girls to be auditioning for the boys parts as this has caused the issue.

Luckyme2 · 21/03/2018 13:52

I wasn't having a go at you then BitOutOfPractice. And yes you should be vee proud! Well done

maddiemookins16mum · 21/03/2018 13:52

Yanbu, it's a female role - it is what it is. Why should he have a chance at it, he is NOT female. What next, a boy playing the role of Mary (a female who gave birth). Or Nancy, or Maria (a nun).

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2018 13:54

maddiemookins16mum It's bit of a dilema as interestingly we have no problem with Maxine Peake and Frances de la Tour playing Hamlet etc

Luckyme2 · 21/03/2018 13:57

It seems different when its Sheakespeare though (don't ask me why! Confused). We probably would raise an eyebrow if Maxine Peake was cast as Harry Potter or Benedict Cumberbatch was cast as Maria wouldn't we? Or would we?

Luckyme2 · 21/03/2018 13:58

Watching the Sound of Music with Cumberbatch running over the hills just seems like it would be a different kind of show!

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2018 13:58

Even if we did have a problem with it, should we?

I don't know the answer to that by the way

missyB1 · 21/03/2018 13:59

So glad my ds doesn’t go to such a weird school. Teachers who openly admit there will be bullying of a child with SEN, sexist attitudes towards the pupils, and no idea how run auditions for the school play. Sounds bloody brilliant Hmm

BertrandRussell · 21/03/2018 13:59

My favourite Prospero is Judi Dench!

OP- if the school is not supportive, I think pragmatically I would do everything in my power to discourage him if I were you. If he was 15/16 it would be different, but at 11 I would make the decision for him.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2018 13:59

I'd watch Mxine Peake play a pot plant though

Luckyme2 · 21/03/2018 14:00

So would I! But what about Cumberbatch as Maria?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2018 14:02

Hmm. I'm not sure I could take him seriously. But I don't know why that is.

Of course in Shakespeare's time, men played all the parts, including the female ones

Luckyme2 · 21/03/2018 14:03

That's the point I'm (badly) trying to make. Switching the roles in Shakespeare is very very common. Far less so in musical theatre.

BertrandRussell · 21/03/2018 14:06

I think the idea of women playing men as "playing up" and men playing women as "playing down" is deeply entrenched.
I also think that many of us are very wary of men, who already get the biggest and best bits of cake, taking women's bits as well.......

Original poster
obligations · 21/03/2018 14:06

it isn't the sound of music, but the part is as much a female role as Maria but a girl in their early teens.
....he's leaving this school for secondary, this is the first teacher to be so unsympathetic to him and only a few months left, he has managed to develop great friendships over the past few years and become strong in the school sport so I want him to leave on as positive a note as possible.
BitOutOfPractice well done to your dd, that's fantastic!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2018 14:06

You weren't making it badly at all. Just that I'm just as puzzled as you by why that is

Anyway, the only person I'm really appalled at in this case is the teacher.

The whole problem could be solved by the auditions being held singly, not in front of the class which is naff and would probably put a lot of children off

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