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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

291 replies

xyla589 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 08:56

Certainly some big Drips coming from the original 'shower'

Osopolar · 21/03/2018 08:57

Provided free childcare and now unable to attend the extremely prestigious uni she wanted to attend. You have had more children than you can afford clearly.

shakeyourcaboose · 21/03/2018 08:57

So was that also part of reason for needing her at home? Childcare provision? Poor girl, my sympathy massively leaning to her now! How old are your other children?

Juells · 21/03/2018 09:06

Blimey, about-face on the sympathy front. She didn't get to go to the uni she wanted, she's used as an unpaid babysitter... Now I can see why she has 45-minute showers.

You're really mean to her IMO

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 21/03/2018 09:09

Wait what?

Nothing wrong with kids mucking in but being unable to get a job cos she had to take care of your kids?

Nah.

Fruitcorner123 · 21/03/2018 09:15

juells i thought exactly the same. Not everyone can afford to go to a top uni in an expensive city but preventing her from getting a job so that she can at least save and try is a bit much. I have a good friend who is the oldest of 5 and he says he would only ever have 2 kids. Perhaps this is why.

LakieLady · 21/03/2018 09:19

I was going to say they were both BU and should compromise, but now I've RTFT and seen about the free childcare she's been providing, I'd say her offer of paying towards the costs of her showers and having them at a time that won't inconvenience the rest of the family is very reasonable indeed.

I am in awe of her getting into Imperial (especially as she did lots of babysitting while studying) and gobsmacked you haven't made provision for the children's education. DH needs to accept that she's made a massive sacrifice and cut her some slack.

shesakeeper · 21/03/2018 09:23

So she couldn't even save for uni because you needed her free babysitting services?

I'd be in that shower for two hours a day if I were her...

Juells · 21/03/2018 09:23

A situation is outlined in the OP, then gradually over five or six pages other facts are trickled in that turn my initial response on its head, and I feel like a gobshite.

soupforbrains · 21/03/2018 09:36

Ignoring all of the misunderstanding of loans and finance and also the not getting to go to Imperial and also the not being able to work to save because of babysitting for free. etc. etc.

Ignoring ALL of that. I'm still on your DD's side. I have been from the very first post. OK, she annoyed your DH, in 2 ways, 1.cost and 2. timing (using up hot water when he wanted to use)

She has offered to resolve BOTH of these issues by 1. contributing to costs and 2. changing the times of her showers to ensure there is no inconvenience.

Your DH is being ENTIRELY unreasonable to reject such a reasonable and sensible offer and being yet more unreasonable by claiming 'that's not the point' and making out like he is entitled to police how long she spends in the shower/bathroom.

End of.

CapnHaddock · 21/03/2018 09:42

I presume the reason you don't have any money is that you're paying for school fees. What's the bloody point of that if you're not going to allow your children to take up the places they've worked so hard for? Or is it just your eldest that's the sacrificial lamb?

Also do families of 7 who are HR tax payers really not have combi boilers? Surely you must run out of water all the time with that many people in the house?

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 09:53

Overall I think yanbu for asking her to be a tad shorter, but yabvvvvvu for whinging restricting her time and using her as a babysitter, stopping her going to favourite uni, not letting her get a job, and generally being controlling.

Ask her nicely to take less or accept her compromise. Overall I think you and your DH are quite simply knobs.

diddl · 21/03/2018 09:56

I think that 45mins is too long-even if she pays as it's so much water/energy.

That said-you seem to have treated her so badly.

Free childcare?

Such that she couldn't work/save?

Where has the money gone that she saved you?

TalkinBoutWhat · 21/03/2018 09:58

Your DH is being unreasonable. Yes, longer showers cost money, but they sure as heck don't cost the amount that you've saved by her living at home. Let alone the convenience factor of still having her around to help look after your DC.

With regard to your DD earning money. Her best way of earning pretty good money is to become a babysitter in your area. It's good money, and she can either sit and watch tv and unwind, or she can continue to study while at the house, that way working doesn't have to eat into her free time.

A medical student would have their hand bitten off by most parents. Someone with some medical knowledge (although a first aid course would still go a long way here), someone very responsible (you wouldn't get into medical school if you weren't), someone studious (ditto). She'd sure as heck be my dream babysitter!!!

Original poster

xyla589 · 21/03/2018 09:58

How old are your other children?

10, 8, 6 & 6 (twins). Dd19 is mine from a previous relationship, but dh has been in her life since she was 6.

OP posts:

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 10:02

Xyla589 why couldn't you pay for childcare and give her the proper experience she wants?

Juells · 21/03/2018 10:03

The Cinderella in the house.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 21/03/2018 10:06

She also hadn't really been able to get a job while at school and save because we needed her to look after our younger kids a lot.

What the fuck? You are truly awful parents.

You wouldn’t let her get a job so she could save for her dream uni because you had more kids than you could look after, and then you refused to let her go to her dream uni and made her stay at home.

Why bother having so many kids if you’re just going to treat some as the help?

CapnHaddock · 21/03/2018 10:14

Ah you've sacrificed your daughter for your new husband and the children you've had with him.

Cinderella indeed.

I'm out before I say something really unkind.

Juells · 21/03/2018 10:17

Well, as I said in an earlier post, the way information has been trickled into the thread has made me a bit suspicious. Either the OP is completely oblivious to how unfair she's being, or it's never happened.

maras2 · 21/03/2018 10:17

Ahh twins
HOUSE!

TheAntiBoop · 21/03/2018 10:17

Do you still expect her to look after the younger kids now? Is that really why you wanted her to stay home?

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 10:21

DH has been controlling her life and prioritising his kids with you since she was 6 do you mean?

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 10:22

Seriously?! Just, gobsmacked that you treat your daughter like that.

Original poster

xyla589 · 21/03/2018 10:25

There's no need to react like that. Dh doesn't treat her any differently to the others, and neither do I.

OP posts:

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