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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

291 replies

xyla589 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsLupo · 21/03/2018 12:37

Bristol is very good, but the quality of teaching and research at Imperial would have arguably been much better. The cachet of a top-ranking London med school for rest of career also cannot be underestimated - unfair as that is on some levels!

I know it's not the point of the thread, but all the pp saying this sort of thing are really not very well informed. London medical schools are like cattle markets. Preclinical students in their hundreds watching lectures on video links because there are more of them than there are seats in the lecture theatre. Clinical students doing the dirty on each other to be the ones to get precious access to bedside teaching. Brilliant clinicians who are in London because they want to work in a centre of excellence treating students like a tiresome inconvenience or just being completely unavailable. This is the norm for London medical students. They have to be incredibly thick skinned and ruthless just to get the bare minimum of training. OP's daughter will have a much better time of it elsewhere. A UK training still has prestige, but the days are long gone when London was the only place to go, and Imperial students in particular have a reputation as brainiacs rather than decently trained clinicians.

People are also mostly wrong about bursaries, which are generally only open to students who are getting the means-tested maximum loan (i.e. not OP's daughter, whose parents are high earners).

That said, I still think OP's daughter is giving up a lot by staying at home, especially now I know about the childcare etc. I think OP and her DH really need to wake up to this and support her to move out with friends in future years or at least stop treating her like the help. Once she's doing clinics she will miss out A LOT if she knows she has to be back by a certain time to babysit or whatever. It's not reasonable. And let her have her sodding showers. It sounds like it's the only P&Q she gets.

yerbutnobut · 21/03/2018 12:38

That amount of time in a shower is excessive and its not just the water usage its more the electric usage. The heating element to power it is equivalent of boiling several electric kettles for the length of time the shower is on, was told this by a qualified electrician few years ago when our second shower in 2 years blew, needless to say my teen DS was promptly told to not spend his usual 20/25 mins in there and our electric bill has significantly reduced since he lives away during the week!

Jux · 21/03/2018 12:46

No she's not just helping out family. She's sacrificing herself on the altar of your selfishness.

You are using her to supplement your income.

No wonder she's resentful taking as much hot water as she can. That's probably about as much power as she has.

That'll change though.

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 12:51

High earners but won’t pay for childcare or help dd out Hmm

GinUnicorn · 21/03/2018 12:52

Yes for the environment she should have shorter showers but you need to pay her for childcare whether she is in the house anyway or not. Poor girl will need to study. I am sure you don't mean to treat her badly but try and put yourself in her shoes for a bit. Her priority needs to be studying and her career. If you need childcare either pay her for set times each week or get outside help.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/03/2018 15:00

Our DD gets the minimum maintenance loan (it’s less than £4000 as not a London university) because of our earnings. We CAN help her financially but only because we are mortgage free and had savings to help her. Many families in the “high earnings” bracket will still have mortgages to pay as well as other children to support plus that “higher earnings” isn’t actually very high plus IF the student earns enough to pay tax then that is added to the family income too.

I think this particular case is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. The showers are too long - simple! If I had that long a shower it would use all our hot water (yes a family home of ‘high earners’ without a combi boiler as they aren’t suitable for our home) and we would have to wait for a fresh tank of water to heat up; plus the cost of the water (water meter). BUT it does sound like a lot us being expected of OPs DD - our DD has some chores around the house when she is at home but we PAY her for any extras like keeping her teenaged brother fed while we went away for a weekend in the summer.

HermionesRightHook · 21/03/2018 21:02

She also hadn't really been able to get a job while at school and save because we needed her to look after our younger kids a lot.

Bloody hell. She turned down Imperial for medicine - one of the most highly sought after and most internationally respected unis for the subject and for pretty much every thing else it does - and you milk her for free childcare and you're begrudging her some indulgent showers?? That's she's offered to pay for????

Bristol is a great medical school. But studying medicine at a London med school and a spectacular one like Imperial at that is a real life-long advantage. She would have had contacts, academics and experiences that she couldn't replicate at Bristol that could knock years off getting to consultant and if she chose to go a research route instead of practicing it would set her up for life.

I'm not saying she didn't make a reasoned choice or that you pressured her but ffs. Let her have her relaxing shower. Environmentally she's already reducing her impact on the planet by being in your household not a separate one. Just let it go.

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 21:13

@xyla589 any reason you disappeared. Cause your daughter does all your childcare so you should have plenty of time to respond.
Or have you realised how shitty you are being and given your daughter the night off to socialise.

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 21:30

Hands up I reported as I had my doubts

Sadly seems legit

habobo · 21/03/2018 21:40

@Marthas

this OP is for real?

CapnHaddock · 21/03/2018 22:01

Apparently so

Ginger1982 · 21/03/2018 22:20

Wow. Your daughter has given up an amazing offer to help you raise your kids because you decided to have more than you were capable of looking after yourselves. Let her have her showers FFS.

Jux · 22/03/2018 00:19

You have really done her a disservice, and chances are that for her whole life she'll have at the back of her mind "would things be like this if I'd ignored mum and gone to Imperial?". She'll never know whether her climb the ladder to consultant could be shorter and easier, whether she lost a lot of opportunities and contacts who would have given her a better career.

She's given up a potentially glittering career for you, and you begrudge her some water. You should ge ashamed.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/03/2018 00:33

I guess at least it's preparing her for a life in the NHS where nobody gives a flying fuck about your career, your aspirations, your worklife balance, your mental health, or indeed anything but using you as rota fodder.

Tuition fees came in 20 years ago. It was known that they would be increasing 16 years ago. Grants disappeared 20 years ago, and student loans were brought in.

None of this can be any surprise. Indeed, none of it would have been any surprise at any point when you had further children. Which you expected her to look after rather than her being able to get a job and start saving.

Just don't be surprised when she emigrates, probably after completing foundation years.

coolwalking · 22/03/2018 00:52

Water is a precious resource. Your DD is being selfish and will one day understand why your DH was annoyed. 45 minutes is not only a waste of water but time. When she's older, these childish indulgences aren't going to be possible.
Make sure you all have 10 minute showers so she can't argue with you.

UnRavellingFast · 22/03/2018 03:26

If I was dd there are many things I'd feel pissed off about , not least my daily shower habit being on active threads on the highly visible Mumsnet, chewed over by countless posters and many more lurkers. It's a typical thread for daily mail to pick up too so her shower could go global. She's fairly identifiable from the details you've posted: number and age of siblings, rough age of her, Uni, course, other uni offer, town of residence, both parents working and wealthy, dad is step dad since she was six, etc etc. I would pull this thread if I were you OP.

UnRavellingFast · 22/03/2018 03:29

@xyla589 please read my pp about your daughter being highly identifiable from all the info you've put on this thread. I feel concerned for her but forgot to tag you in my pp and I'm guessing you're not reading the thread by now.

lostjanni · 22/03/2018 07:47

Well op has disappeared. Might be looking after the children and letting the daughter lead a Normal life.

UnRavellingFast · 22/03/2018 12:32

How do you report thread? I have concerns for op 's daughter being recognisable from all the info.

PositivelyPERF · 22/03/2018 13:07

UnRavellingFast

I hope the OPs daughter is recognisable, reads the thread and gets the fuck out of the house, so the poor girl can make a life for herself.

Jux · 22/03/2018 13:34

UnRavelling oh I don't think you need worry too much...... Wink

UnRavellingFast · 22/03/2018 15:38

Oho! @Jux that is the blow of the wind is it 😉

greenlynx · 22/03/2018 20:25

OP, Do you pay your daughter for looking after siblings?
I was chatting with mums at our primary a few years ago and everyone said that it's a norm.
(I have one child so no personal experience)

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 22/03/2018 20:59

OP, Do you pay your daughter for looking after siblings?

greenlynx No, she has said she doesn’t.

Fruitcorner123 · 22/03/2018 21:33

I think the OP has gone but I just wanted to say that people have gone a bit too far on here calling you bad parents etc. The thing is you possibly have been so busy with the others you've failed to see things from your daughter's POV. I think the shower thing is just not a very big deal. Teenagers take a long time in the shower but 45 min is probably excessive. London universities are expensive but she has given up a lot to live at home with 5 young siblings, she isn't getting the experience most young people do at uni so maybe you need to appreciate this more. I won't be paying my older kids for helping with my younger ones but I wouldn't prevent them from getting a job in order to help me. So maybe a chat and some compromises would help sort things out.

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