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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

291 replies

xyla589 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MrsLupo · 20/03/2018 23:59

It doesn't matter a jot where medics do their undergrad training (with a few exceptions) and actually she'll probably have a better time outside London for clinics plus Imperial medics are twats and almost universally loathed. What matters much more is where she does her postgrad jobs. But she's got the moral high ground good and proper now, so I can see it is a bit mean from her point of view to be bitching about how long she spends in the shower. She is missing out on more than just a London training. I would cut her some slack and change the hot water settings.

greenlynx · 21/03/2018 00:35

OP said that DD can be in the shower 30-45 minutes. 30 minutes don't sound too long for me if you are washing tricky long hair or do shaving. And some people use scrubs/masks/lotions.

UnRavellingFast · 21/03/2018 00:40

Tbh when she's moved out and getting on with life which will be very very soon and increasingly be less involved with you and dh, you will look back and wish you had this time again. Unless you're struggling with bills leave her to do what makes her feel comfortable. And if she offers to contribute - take it with a smile and thanks.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 21/03/2018 00:50

Why can't she have a bath?

Jux RTFT, they don’t have a bath. Also, not everyone likes baths. I loathe them with a passion.

Storminateapot · 21/03/2018 00:56

3 teenagers in the house here and all perfectly capable of a 30 minute+ shower. DH does tend to go & bang on the door after about 20 minutes & tell them they've had quite long enough. I think they must go into some kind of stupor in there (although I imagine the boys are doing boy things...).

I think 5 minutes is too short and I think using all the hot water is bloody selfish even if she is prepared to pay for it. There's a compromise to be had there somewhere in the middle. Her giving up a place at Imperial to save you money does put a slightly different complexion on it, but I still think using all the hot water is unacceptable.

HicDraconis · 21/03/2018 01:32

Pannacott I don't tell my neighbours how long to shower for. If relatives and friends visited and we had limited hot water I would probably suggest that they keep their showers down to 10-15 minutes - however we have a huge hot water cylinder, it's all heated electrically from solar panels so it's pretty much limitless.

OP, tell your DD to come and stay here for her house jobs and she can have as long in the shower as she likes :) Agree with MrsLupo about Imperial medics - I dated one once never again.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 21/03/2018 01:58

If she was in halls, her flatmates would soon chuck her out of the shower if she was in there that long.

15 minutes is plenty.

WilyMinx · 21/03/2018 02:21

If the water is actually running for 30-45 minutes, then I think your daughter is being VU. If she has long hair, I think max 10 minutes is more reasonable. I do take around 5 minutes in the shower, but my hair is quite short, so it's definitely achievable.

AngeloMysterioso · 21/03/2018 02:53

If your daughter isn’t resentful now, she definitely will be when her younger siblings can go go uni wherever the hell they like because she’s now paying her own way so you’ve got more money to spend.

Also...

The best medical schools, according to Times Higher Education (2018)
THE has found the best institutions that allow you to study medicine in the UK, based on teaching, research, international outlook and knowledge transfer.

  1. University of Oxford, ranked 1st worldwide, 15 Masters in Medicine.
  2. University of Cambridge, ranked 2nd worldwide, 14 Masters in Medicine.
3. Imperial College London, ranked 8th worldwide, 32 Masters in Medicine.
  1. University College London, ranked 16th worldwide, 10 Masters in Medicine.
  2. University of Edinburgh, ranked 27th worldwide, 73 Masters in Medicine.
  3. King’s College London, ranked 36th worldwide, 106 Masters in Medicine.
  4. University of Manchester, ranked 54th worldwide, 56 Masters in Medicine.
8. University of Bristol, ranked 76th worldwide, 10 Masters in Medicine.
  1. University of Glasgow, ranked 80th worldwide, 37 Masters in Medicine.
10. University of Warwick, ranked 91st worldwide, 12 Masters in Medicine.

For that compromise, I’d be saying she can shower as long as she bloody well likes. Specially if she’s offered to pay for it herself.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 21/03/2018 03:10

angelo Wow, we live in different worlds. As soon as I left for university, I was on my own. I certainly didn’t expect my parents to support me and being resentful of them would have been pitiful.

She didn’t HAVE to stay at home. She could have worked for a couple of years to save up enough to attend university. It’s what many of us have to do.

MaitlandGirl · 21/03/2018 03:19

Your DH and DD need to reach a compromise on this or it’ll fester and ruin their relationship for ever.

20mins in the shower is plenty with a long soak in the bath on a Sunday. DD1 is 20 with very thick waist length hair and she manages to get clean and shave her legs in 20mins and that’s with the crappy low flow shower we’ve got.

Water is a very precious commodity and your daughter needs to start appreciating it and not wasting it.

quince2figs · 21/03/2018 03:32

OP, agree with many other posters that you seem not to have appreciated the opportunity your daughter was persuaded to give up, by declining her first offer at Imperial.

Bristol is very good, but the quality of teaching and research at Imperial would have arguably been much better. The cachet of a top-ranking London med school for rest of career also cannot be underestimated - unfair as that is on some levels!

The issue seems clearly that Imperial was her first choice, and she was unable to take this up, having presumably worked bloody hard and achieved the grades.
I understand your POV that you have higher outgoings than some, which limits the student loan available to her.....however, this doesn’t mean you cannot contribute extra funds, really, at top level income bracket?
Even if you choose not do/are unable to do this, it is completely achievable for your daughter to to help self-fund by taking out alternative loans and working part-time. I did this at a similarly prestigious London college twice, as my lovely parents were on minimum wage. I chose to move away from home for the experience and to go the best medical school I had a place at.
First degree full grant and no fees (this was some time ago...!) but still worked as barmaid and cleaner every other weekend and most of hols at home.
Medical degree few years later - no grants, and full loan, but absolutely no parental contribution and full fees to pay. Same bar job for first 2 years with standard uni holidays, and less often during last 3 years. Additional full-time summer hols job in laboratory/auxiliary nursing. 3rd job few hours a week admin at GP surgery during term time.
Self-catering uni accommodation for 3/5 years. Walked everywhere. London has endless free entertainment and cheap food.

There are many funds/ grants available via quite arduous application procedures, which I am still grateful helped me a lot - some specific to Medicine.
I still graduated with considerable debt as London is expensive, and I chose to pay for a world-class elective period abroad. Yes, staying at home would have been cheaper - but let’s face it, if you are concerned about short-term cost, higher education is not a wise choice for anyone these days!
Medics will never be unemployed, and pay is overall good - with greater earning potential from London. I would still make the same decision today.

Perhaps your daughter can transfer to a London college at the end of her second year? Transfers are much more common than they once were, and she/ you will have saved money by being st home for 2 years. She could consider a job now to accumulate some money towards transferring later.

It seems the length of shower may be a (new?) symptom of your daughter’s unhappiness with the situation. FWIW, I love a long shower myself...and would be delighted if this was the only issue with a teen daughter of mine. Hope things can settle down for her.

HuskyMcClusky · 21/03/2018 03:39

Your DD is being unreasonable.

I don’t know what the cost of hot water is like where you are, but here a 30+-minute shower would be seen as very wasteful (of water and money).

Ten minutes seems more than fair.

AngeloMysterioso · 21/03/2018 03:39

ThisIsTheFirstStep

How do you know what world I live in? I grew up in a single parent family, living in a council flat with my mum. I had a full scholarship to my private school because we were dirt poor, and wore second hand everything. I started working as a waitress when I was 15. I paid rent to my Mum from when I started 6th form. Quite often she’d ask me to lend her money from my student loan. I worked all the way through uni. And I went to a UK top 5 “posh” uni alongside a hefty proportion of public school kids who lived on their trust funds. Don’t presume you know a damn thing about me.

TheXXFactor · 21/03/2018 06:43

My story is similar to quince's. Parental support amounted to a few hundred pounds over the 5 years (due to their poor health). I worked as auxiliary nurse (as they were called then) and care assistant- jobs that have been invaluable in the rest of my career. Yes I had debts at the end, but I also had the income to pay them off. It was tough but I wouldn't have missed going away to med school for the world. I really urge you to look at a transfer for the end of year 2.

Ihatemyclients · 21/03/2018 06:47

I don't understand why your DH thinks she's missing the point when she's offered a compromise that resolves the issue? He seems to be the unreasonable one here.

Geoff1969 · 21/03/2018 07:01

At what during the uni application process was she made aware she'd have to study in her own town? Will all the other kids have to do the same?

Geoff1969 · 21/03/2018 07:01

At what point

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 07:05

Looking at the bigger picture I can see where dd is coming from and feel quite sad for her.

That is an excessive time to shower but you don't have a bath for her to relax in so again I get her.

iLoveABiccy · 21/03/2018 07:12

DH being unreasonable as she already pays part of her student loan towards it, let DD have her moments of relaxation and peace in the shower

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 21/03/2018 07:19

angelo I didn’t presume anything so chill out. Anyone who thinks children deserve full financial support -(and even RESENT their parents if they can’t do whatever they please) after the age of 18 is living in a different world to me

user380968 · 21/03/2018 07:20

Does she have the shower on for the whole 45min or dies she turn it off while doing her hair, shaving, etc. Does she really spend that much time daily or on certain days when she has to do her hair?

Not sure if it is fine that your DH gets so involved though on those things; mine wouldn't; unless money and water are a very big issue in your house. I would probably suggest she tries to reduce it to 20min at the most but wouldn't make such a big deal; she is an adult.

titchy · 21/03/2018 07:48
  • The issue is also that as we fall into the top bracket, dd is only entitled to the minimum loan.

It's calculated by the highest-earning parent's income, not by household income, and it doesn't take into account how many other kids/other expenses you have.*

But that's not quite true....

It IS calculated by household income and DOES take into account the number of remaining children. Imperial for what it's worth also has the most generous bursary scheme in the UK.

I think a 45 minute shower is the minimum you owe her tbh.

Charley50 · 21/03/2018 07:49

Op didn't say they didn't have a bath; she said the showers were freestanding. Maybe they don't have a bath but that's not what she said. Just saying.

I think 45 mins is too long. London is so so expensive, I wouldn't beat myself up about her not going to Imperial.

HuskyMcClusky · 21/03/2018 07:51

^I think a 45 minute shower is the minimum you owe her tbh.*

Really?! That’s just ridiculous. Nobody ‘owes’ it to their adult child to use as many resources in the family home as they want. The university thing is irrelevant.

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