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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

291 replies

xyla589 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
lostjanni · 21/03/2018 10:29

No just she has to stay at home instead of go to her chosen uni. Can't get a job as you don't want her to. Oh no not different at all.

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 10:30

Xyla589. Honestly why did you have kids if you can't provision for them properly.

Chattymummyhere · 21/03/2018 10:30

Even more on the dds side now. Given up her dream uni, free babysitter so can’t get a job even if she’s wanted too. I guess she’s still the babysitter now that’s why you really wanted her to stay home. No doubt impacted on her social life. Bet the poor kid can’t wait to be working and away.

shakeyourcaboose · 21/03/2018 10:32

So is she still providing childcare? And is it appropriate level for siblings?

Original poster
xyla589 · 21/03/2018 10:36

She's still doing a bit of babysitting, but not as much. We get that she deserves a social life, and she stays over with her friends in halls some nights after going out.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/03/2018 10:36

Back to the original point of the post:

I think your DD is being unreasonable and also extremely selfish. Using all the hot water when she knows other people need to use it... also very environmentally unfriendly!

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 10:44

Xyla589. Oh so still missing out on lots of time she could be doing work or socialising.

TheAntiBoop · 21/03/2018 10:45

Do you pay her for childcare?

Original poster
xyla589 · 21/03/2018 10:46

Do you pay her for childcare?

No, she's in the house anyway - it's just helping out family.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 21/03/2018 10:47

5 minutes is a bit extreme but I'm totally on your DHs side, 30-45 minutes in the shower is crazy

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 10:49

Oh so she is in the house so must help. Let her have them showers in return for a long shower. If she is home could she be studying instead of helping you. Yes stop being such controlling freaka.

TheAntiBoop · 21/03/2018 10:50

She's given up a lot to help out family.

The way you talk about her sounds very controlling tbh. It's like you don't realise she's an adult.

I had a friend who missed out on a lot of opportunities because her mum remarried and had triplets she couldn't cope with. My friend loved her siblings but really resented her mum.

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 10:51

So again

Are you a first time poster??

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2018 11:00

I will never understand people who have big families who then expect the children to look after each other.

They’re your kids, not DD’s. I think you’ve treated her very badly. Is the babysitting another reason you stopped her going to Imperial?

boboismylove · 21/03/2018 11:03

I totally understand not being able to contribute towards uni, but you lost at the baby sitting thing tbh...

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 21/03/2018 11:04

Truly awful parents. I am extremely shocked that you don’t even seen how selfish and cruel you’ve been.

You’ve reduced her opportunities massively simply because you can’t look after the rest of your kids.

upsydaisydah · 21/03/2018 11:08

Is this a reverse?

AngeloMysterioso · 21/03/2018 11:09

maras2 that’s exactly what I thought Grin

It’s never twins!

GlueSticks · 21/03/2018 11:11

I think your DD is being unreasonable and also extremely selfish. Using all the hot water when she knows other people need to use it... also very environmentally unfriendly!

While I agree with the environmentally friendly bit, the DD has agreed to not have showers when other people need the hot water AND offered to pay for the cost of a super long shower. I really don't understand how that can be considered selfish?! Trying to insist that her showers are a specific length even when it won't affect anyone else in the house is incredibly controlling.

Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 11:13

Well no you don’t treat them the same, you use her as unpaid childcare. You said she had no time to work yet the work she does for you is unpaid. You’ve sacrificed her place at her chosen uni because you want an unpaid nanny.
You won’t financially support uni and won’t let her financially support herself be letting her get a job. Set the poor girl free

Juells · 21/03/2018 11:31

upsydaisydah Is this a reverse?

Explain?

upsydaisydah · 21/03/2018 11:33

Sorry Juells - I mean is this actually the daughter posing as the mum?

iTonya · 21/03/2018 11:37

Any minute now, the clock will strike midnight noon and the OP will turn back into a pumpkin. [taps nose]

boboismylove · 21/03/2018 11:39

@daisy

I think this is highly likely Grin

Out yourself OP!

Juells · 21/03/2018 11:40

upsydaisydah...well, something smells fishy Grin