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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

291 replies

xyla589 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 07:53

Well said titchy.
You told her to stay at home.
You told her not to go to imperial.
And now you want to cut her relaxation time.

Think she is doing the most stressful degree offered. Has to come home to siblings and parents when mates can go to halls and be independent. And then you rob her of relaxation time.

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 07:56

@xyla589. It is calculated on household income though, so that's a lie.

Orangettes · 21/03/2018 07:58

So the decision was made that Imperial could not be paid for - the dd could have sought to get a bursary if one was suitable for her, she ended up at a perfectly good uni, it's time she stopped behaving like a spoilt entitled brat and started pulling her weight as an adult in the household and that means having a bit of respect for paying bills, she'll be living off her parents for another 5 years it's time she was grateful, rather than wasteful, resentful and petty.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 21/03/2018 08:10

Orangettes You seem very angry. Has that anger stopped you RTFT? Because the DD has offered to pay and her dad rejected it.

Thirtyrock39 · 21/03/2018 08:13

I think most people in real life would be massively impressed with a medical degree from Bristol university I think this derail is totally ott she's not Been made to go to Grimsby polytechnic or similar

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 21/03/2018 08:19

Thirtyrock39 Sure, but not everyone has the chance to go to Imperial. She did, and she turned it down for her parents who are now quibbling over her showers.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 21/03/2018 08:19

At some point, kids have to realise that they can’t have everything they want in life. I mean, she is going to a top university to study medicine. Her future is made for her basically. That’s better than 99% of people in the world.

If she’d really desperately wanted to go to Imperial, she could have found a way. People in London roomshare with 4-5 strangers to make ends meet. She could have taken a few years off to make extra money. She could have lived on the fringes of London and commuted every day.

But if she feels hard done by because she chose to stay home and is now not able to hog the bathroom, then I have little sympathy.

BarbarianMum · 21/03/2018 08:26

She chose to turn down Imperial to save herself debt and the necessity of getting a job. If she's smart enough to study medicine I think we should do her the courtesy of assuming she was smart enough to make the right decision for herself.

Juells · 21/03/2018 08:29

My nephew stayed with me for a year, and I went ballistic at how long he spent in the shower, and how much hot water was used up, so my sympathy is with the Dad. The water was always cold for everyone else. Some showers work from the tank, they're not all 'instant'.

DownstairsMixUp · 21/03/2018 08:37

I'm a student nurse and meet lots of doctors training, imperial is really highly regarded, she missed out big time going there. Bristol is good but not imperial good.

Original poster

xyla589 · 21/03/2018 08:39

Ok, well I misunderstood how student maintenance loans are calculated. We still fall into the top band, but with 4 other kids couldn't afford to supplement her loan.

And the loan she was entitled to - £5479 - wouldn't even cover halls, let alone living costs/trains home.

There was no way we could afford it for 5 years.

She also hadn't really been able to get a job while at school and save because we needed her to look after our younger kids a lot.

OP posts:

lostjanni · 21/03/2018 08:44

Xyla589. Ah I see free childcare got you.

DownstairsMixUp · 21/03/2018 08:45

I'm even more on dd's side now

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 08:46

'She also hadn't really been able to get a job while at school and save because we needed her to look after our younger kids a lot.'

She misses out on quite a bit doesn't she.

I'm assuming you paid her for the looking after siblings though

SillySallySingsSongs · 21/03/2018 08:46

She also hadn't really been able to get a job while at school and save because we needed her to look after our younger kids a lot.

That's not on really.

She couldn't get a job because you needed her to babysit, couldn't go to the uni she wanted to as you wanted her to stay at home.

I see her turning up on the stately home threads in the future.

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 08:48

Is this your first post?

Lethaldrizzle · 21/03/2018 08:48

A doctor/surgeon what ever - it's not exactly a great personality trait to not give a fuck about the other people in the house. I would hope she had a more magnanimous view of the world given her career choice

afishnotabird · 21/03/2018 08:51

I dropped out of uni halfway through my honours year.

Couldn't keep up with the work because if I was home studying, my mum assumed it meant I was able to look after my 3 year old brother. Couldn't really argue because I was staying at home for free but I'm now 30, having to retrain and working in a supermarket...

TheFairyCaravan · 21/03/2018 08:52

And the loan she was entitled to - £5479 - wouldn't even cover halls, let alone living costs/trains home.

That’s a lot more than DS2 gets and we’re a one income household, not in the top income bracket, as I’m too sick to work. DS2 is a 3rd student nurse. He’s worked since he finished his GCESs, he got a part time job in pub as soon as he got to uni and is still doing it. We help him out as much as we can, we buy all his food.

45 minute showers, which are so bad for the planet and a waste of precious resources, I feel really sorry for your DD. she wasn’t allowed to get a job because you needed her to look after her siblings and she wasn’t allowed to choose where she went to uni because you said no. She must feel really controlled.

MojoMoon · 21/03/2018 08:53

Poor girl.
Free childcare provider through her teens.
Pressured to stay at home for uni.
You are in top income bracket and never saved a penny for the kids' university education? Fees came in about 18 years ago (lower than they are now admittedly) so you have had her entire life to realise parents are expected to contribute to their children's uni costs.

It's a crappy system because it assumes you have good parents who make sensible decisions which of course not everyone does.

She must have worked very hard to get excellent grades while having to take care of her siblings. She sounds very impressive.

Bristol is fine, I went there but don't kid yourself that she isn't missing out.

Orangettes · 21/03/2018 08:53

Because the DD has offered to pay and her dad rejected it. Dad said she was missing the point and I agree - she is being massively wasteful.

gamerchick · 21/03/2018 08:54

She also hadn't really been able to get a job while at school and save because we needed her to look after our younger kids a lot

Come on! You’re either very new or a GF, nobody sane would add that in man

MarthasGinYard · 21/03/2018 08:55

Gamer

Quite

strawberrygelato · 21/03/2018 08:56

As long as she pays for the extra water she can have as many long showers as she wants.

Orangettes · 21/03/2018 08:56

Gamer - I thought the same!

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