Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

291 replies

xyla589 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
QuiteUnfitBit · 20/03/2018 20:42

Where is your home town???

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/03/2018 20:42

She wouldn't have one friend in Halls if she was having a 45 minute shower - they'd be hammering the door down.

FrancisCrawford · 20/03/2018 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chattymummyhere · 20/03/2018 20:45

She has sacrificed her dream uni and earning potential and you begrudge her a long relaxing shower.

user1471426142 · 20/03/2018 20:46

Like others I would be more worried about why she felt she needed to turn down imperial than the cost and time of showers, especially as you’re in the top income bracket. What will happen if your other children want to go to universities away from home?

TheAntiBoop · 20/03/2018 20:47

45 minutes is selfish - get her to do some research into water and overconsumption. She could read up one hats going on in Cape Town

Thirtyrock39 · 20/03/2018 20:49

Surely if it was her dream uni she would've been more determined to go ? Putting a lot of guilt on the op with the imperial angst

borlottibeans · 20/03/2018 20:51

Allthewaves yes, plenty of people do go to uni without parental help, when their parents don't earn much or they are over a certain age or estranged from their family, because in all those circumstances they receive an appropriate level of support from student finance to make up for it, or they have to work so many hours just to pay rent and bills that their uni work suffers and they eventually drop out.

If your parents earn good money you are deemed not to need much support with living costs, regardless of whether your parents are actually prepared to step up and do their bit.

Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 20:51

Or she would have listened to her parents who wanted her at home. She sacrificed something huge for her parents and now has to sacrifice having a long shower even though she’ll pay for it

Chattymummyhere · 20/03/2018 20:52

thirty because we all know how some parents can make their children feel obliged to do as their told because (insert emotionally loaded reason) and they nicely fall into line. Later called toxic parents once the child really grows up and realises what they lost and gave into.

GloriousGoosebumps · 20/03/2018 20:54

No one needs to have 45 minute showers so dh isn't being unreasonable albeit that trying to restrict dd to 5 minutes is being unreasonable and presumably borne out of anger.

As for making your dd give up her place at Imperial, I really don't know how you can justify that decision to yourself. I assume that at 18 your dd doesn't realise what a huge difference Imperial would have made to her future.

BabyOrSanta · 20/03/2018 20:56

Just another thought...
I generally spend about 20-25 minutes in the shower mainly because it takes that long to actually get warmed through. We have some central heating but it still gets bloody freezing.
If I was in and out within 5 minutes I would still be cold and my hair wouldn't have got wet all the way through.
Therefore your DH IBU.

user1471426142 · 20/03/2018 20:58

Martin Lewis has done a lot on highlighting the unfairness of linking loans to parental income when parents don’t or can’t contribute at the level the government expects.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/02/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/amp/

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 20/03/2018 21:04

Was there no way to make Imperial work? Part time job, bank loan, family economising? A friend took out a bank loan to get her through a STEM degree from a good uni and paid it back when working. It seems such a shame when she would probably have higher earning power as an Imperial graduate. Are all your children going to study locally and live at home??

Shower, 45 mins is nuts from an environmental perspective, I'd be looking to compromise around the 15 minute mark, or suggest hot baths instead.

Americantan · 20/03/2018 21:10

My teenager and I are both guilty of long showers - my dual fuel payment has just gone up from £100 pm to £130! I’ve ordered a 4 minute shower timer today. Hoping it will stop me washing my hair every bloody day!

Goodasgoldilox · 20/03/2018 21:16

If she is having 40 min power showers (4 bathfuls of water) - work out what that would cost and let her decide if it it worth the money. It is a luxury but one she can probably afford -even as a student.

She says she is willing to do this when it won't be a problem for others in the house - so it seems find to me.

(We did find that showers tended to be shorter when the hot water in the tank wasn't all that hot. )

Danglingmod · 20/03/2018 21:17

A 45 minute shower is massively wasteful of water - equivalent to about 6 bathfuls of water! 10 minutes is plenty, 15 would be a treat.

But turning down Imperial? Where for? That's a real shame.

NualaCassia · 20/03/2018 21:17

Your Dd is being unreasonable and selfish. 45 minutes is ridiculous. If your dd wants 45 minute showers and to use up all the hot water, she can move out and take as long as she wants.

I would cap showers at a maximum of 15 minutes. No-one here takes a shower longer than that, it’s a rule for all of us. Why should one member of the family get to use all the hot water while the others are considerate of each other.

Original poster
xyla589 · 20/03/2018 21:32

To everyone worried about her turning down Imperial, she's doing medicine, pretty much the one course where it doesn't matter where you go, and we're in Bristol, so she's still going to an excellent uni.

I don't think it will affect her future earnings.

OP posts:
Original poster
xyla589 · 20/03/2018 21:33

Also not really time for her to have a job while studying medicine

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 21:38

Imperial is the place to be for medicine and I think it’s really unfair that she doesn’t have time to work due to her studies and despite offering payment isn’t allowed to relax in the shower

GeekyBlinders · 20/03/2018 21:41

As several people have pointed out, it's not just about the money it costs and whether it's "fair" to ask her to pay or "fair" because she stayed at home. It's the massive waste of water and energy. Clean water isn't a totally renewable resource, and unless your home is solely wind or solar-powered, the energy is unlikely to be renewable either. She's being incredibly thoughtless and selfish - you need to get her to see the big picture. Does she want clean drinking water and electricity and gas in thirty or forty years' time? If she does, she should think about the environment and her impact on it, and get out of the shower after 10 minutes max. I'm gobsmacked at how many posters seem to think this is acceptable behaviour because she's chosen to give up Imperial or she's offered to pay towards it.

BarbarianMum · 20/03/2018 21:42

45 min in the shower is ridiculous. As people have said, it's 3 baths.

45 min showers are not a feature of life in university halls ime. Quick showers because the water's cold would be more like it.

Cakeisthebest · 20/03/2018 21:43

Dd

Troels · 20/03/2018 21:46

Ds used to do this, I used to knock after 10 minutes to get him to stop. Once he bought his own house, and now pays own bills including electric and water he no longer takes 45 min showers and knows why I used to knock.
Maybe if she wants to try long showers at Uni she should figure out a way to move out and pay for it herself. If she lives in your house, it's by your rules.