Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

291 replies

xyla589 · 20/03/2018 19:34

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHippo · 20/03/2018 20:13

She wasn't entitled to the full loan I think. The parents are high earners but also have high expenses.

KurriKurri · 20/03/2018 20:15

He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

So she has offered a solution to both the cost and the using up the hot water and he has rejected both. Why? What point has she missed? Surely her solution would end the problem.

I think the point is that he has got himself worked up and into 'you must do what I say' mode. And forgotten that she is an adult woman. She may live at home with you (at personal sacrifice to herself) but she is an independent adult, he can't really tell her what to do because he wouldn;t be able to if she was living in halls, and it is your choice not hers that she is living at home.

If she ends up moving out because he is being unreasonable then he;s shot himself int he foot hasn't he?

I am totally gobsmacked that you let her turn down an offer from Imperial to save money.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 20/03/2018 20:16

Please ask DD to stop and think of our poor planet. That is a ridiculous and sad waste of energy to heat the water and run water. A precious resource. It is just selfish to literally let that much run down the drain.

It is not just the money that she needs to be mindful of. Perhaps she has not yet had to think of the impact she has on the world at large? A good time to start I think.

Orangettes · 20/03/2018 20:16

45 minutes is ridiculous, I would charge her extra for each shower, out dcs were spending 10minutes in the shower and we thought that was ridiculous. Soap all over rinse and out - 5 mins is the aim.

VodkaAndRusschian · 20/03/2018 20:18

Its a bit creepy for a dad to be timing his daughter in the bathroom

I think when your electricity bill is suddenly more than usual and there's no hot water left for the rest of the household after the daughter has a shower, it's a pretty obvious thing to notice.
I think it's the time in the actual shower anyway, not the time in the bathroom.
I can't see anything creepy about it.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 20/03/2018 20:18

DH is being unreasonable. 5 minutes is far, far too short. If he really has to impose a limit despite her offering to pay, I think 20 minutes is more reasonable.

I have 15 minute showers and I don’t stand around doing nothing.

ChaosNeverRains · 20/03/2018 20:19

She is being spectacularly selfish and this has nothing to do with what she chose to give up to stay home... That was her choice and by no means would she be having 45 minute showers in halls either.

But she is A, using all the hot water so I’m guessing you have a tank? Using electricity to heat more water when the boiler comes back on as well as gas, plus several hundred litres of water when there are seven people living in the house.

If she thinks she’s entitled to do what she wants she should move out and start paying actual bills. She’ll get a bloody shock then.

titchy · 20/03/2018 20:20

She turned down Imperial Shock Fuck I hope you live in Oxford or Cambridge....

I know it's not the point of the thread but I really hope you haven't done her a massive disservice there...

dotdotdotmustdash · 20/03/2018 20:22

Its a bit creepy for a dad to be timing his daughter in the bathroom.

I guess I must be creepy too as I do the same with my DS21 who also spends long periods of time in the shower. It's an electric shower and costs a fortune to run.

Actually I'm not creepy at all, a long shower is expensive and doesn't make you any cleaner, there's nothing 'creepy' about teaching that to your young adult. What a bizarre insinuation.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/03/2018 20:22

45 minutes is too long, but 5 minutes is ridiculous! There’s no way I could wash my hair, face and body in 5 minutes! I’m usually in there 15 minutes, 20 if I’m shaving my legs.

Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 20:23

How is she unreasonable?! She turned down her first choice for her parents and has offered to pay for the showers! 45 minutes to herself standing under the shower should not be a big deal especially since she has offered to pay for it and especially since she gave up her dream uni to stay at home because of her parents!

FluffyWuffy100 · 20/03/2018 20:25

You sound like shit parents. I can’t belive you made her turn down imperial.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/03/2018 20:25

sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.
45 minutes is ridiculous. 15 should be ample.
Maybe if she did the washing up now and then before vanishing for a soak, he wouldn't begrudge her a long shower.

EggysMom · 20/03/2018 20:27

Simply turn on all the other taps in the house when she's having a shower - it'll quickly run cold, and she'll be out of there quickly Grin

ravenmum · 20/03/2018 20:30

DD is being unreasonable. What a waste of water, does she not care about the environment? Presumably she's washing her hair and shaving; could she not do that at the sink, then go in the shower to rinse afterwards? (I'd love a long shower too, but I also have a conscience!)

It was her choice to save money by staying at home, and in making that choice she was also deciding to live in your house longer, with your rules.

"an eight-minute power shower drinks up around 136 litres of hot water ... The fastest power shower recorded by the Unilever study used as much water as a bath in just four minutes and 42 seconds — or 63p a shower." www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/bills/article-2067090/Taking-shower-bath-save-water-It-just-money-drain.html

MojoMoon · 20/03/2018 20:31

You wanted her to turn down a chance to study at Imperial?

I hope your hometown uni is something decent at least. What a waste.

Seems letting her pay to shower at home is not exactly a generous response to having to give up a chance to potentially earn a lot more over her entire life.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/03/2018 20:32

So she had to give up an offer to a better uni because you wouldn't support her and he's now timing her showers? Why on earth did he have so many children if he begrudges them so badly?

Most parents would have moved heaven and earth to allow their child to take such a uni spot.

borlottibeans · 20/03/2018 20:34

I can only assume he's so ashamed of having made her give up Imperial that he's projecting. That is so, so sad that she's had to make such a huge compromise - which she will regret for years to come - and on top of that he's begrudging her a fucking shower.

Allthewaves · 20/03/2018 20:35

Well firstly you need to get over the uni guilt. Plenty of people go to uni wih no help from her parents. She made her choice she needs to deal with it.

Secondly taking long showers and using all the hot water is ridiculous and selfish. What happens if someone wants a shower after her?

mrsmayitstimetogo · 20/03/2018 20:36

Well, our not-power-shower (runs off mains pressure) fills the bath only a little less fast than the tap does. And if she's emptying the tank, that tells you how much water she's using!

5 minutes may not be long enough, but 10 is ample. 15 is greedy, and 45 just crazy.

I think the Imperial issue is a red herring. Hard for her though...

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 20/03/2018 20:37

45-minute showers are criminally wasteful, but I'm guessing they are her way of getting her own back for you pushing her (which is what it reads like) to give up a place at Imperial. (Also assuming your 'hometown' is not Oxford/Cambridge).

Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 20:39

[ravenmum] the parents wanted daughter at home, dd wanted to go to imperial and stay in halls.

Thirtyrock39 · 20/03/2018 20:39

Agree with majority of posters - a shower should be 10 mins max - takes me about 2 but dh spends ages though even he is out after 15 mins (and doesn't shower every day ).
I also think if you have a really long hot shower it can make you a bit sweaty like in a sauna so defeats the whole point of it (my own personal theory !)
This would drive me bonkers I totally agree with your husband

LittleLeaseQuery · 20/03/2018 20:40

You asked/made/suggested she turn down Imperial to save money?

HOLY FUCK.

Do you actually understand what you’ve done to her future?

....and your thread is about long showers. God help me.

I can only hope this is a wind up.

LeighaJ · 20/03/2018 20:41

"UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername

Both. She's wasting a huge amount of water and energy. He's unreasonable to insist that money and availability of hot water are the issues, and then refuse to accept a solution that addresses both of those issues."

^This.