Who is being unreasonable... dd vs dh

[xyla589]

Dd19 likes having very long hot showers - she'll often be in the shower for 30-45 minutes.

Dh gets very angry about this because of the cost of the water and because sometimes she uses up all the hot water and he can't do the washing up.

They had a massive argument when this happened yesterday. He says that she can't spend more than 5 minutes in the shower any more. She says she'll have her shower when no-one else is at home and she'll give us part of her student loan to pay for it. Dh says that she's 'missing the point'.

Who is being unreasonable?

Bristol uni is bloody good but it’s not imperial.
Op wouldn’t be ‘stuck’ with daughter if she hadn’t made her stay home

What the fuck is everyone on about?! Medicine is a 6 year course, very tough and on low pay when you do actually qualify.

Bristol is an amazing uni - OP your suggestion she stays home whilst studying sounds very sensible to me

Have the showers increased in duration since she was persuaded not to go to Imperial? Perhaps they are not arguing about the shower issue at all.

As I was a teen not that long ago I would like to point out that when your dd is in the shower she could be being very reasonable actually

Switching the temp of shower. It's a teen trick to blast cold water on hair to keep its moisturised and not frizzled.

Teen angst crying in the shower so your parents don't hear you sob that brad left you for That Bitch at school which is so stupid cause she uses a push up bra. Talk about false fucking advertisement for her boobs!

Shaving when you are learning how to get good at getting all nooks and fannys * crannies can take time. Shaving each leg. Underarm. Bikini line and general vag shaving needs patience so you don't slice your labia off like a fucking kebab.

Teen stressed? Have a shower. Teens get sweaty as hormones change. Their hair gets greasy more than adults typically.

Also don't teens judge themselves in the shower. It's a safe haven in the family bathroom to explore their aging bodies as puberty hits them. Hair where it wasn't? Is one boob bigger than the other? Why does it feel nice to touch that? It's perfectly normal right? Yeah everyone likes to massage their head in the shower right? You thought i meant ... masturbate when I said touch??

True

If a teen doesn't trust their bedroom is safe from intruders during sexxi time by themselves a shower is a great idea. Buzzing can be said to be from a shaver. Sex noises? Singing in the shower. Geez.

Also learning to masturbate quickly takes time right.

:)

The link between imperial and shower time is ridiculous

That is an absolutely stupid waste of water

Are you going to judge everything she does in life now by the fact she didn’t go to imperial?

That sounds like the actual issue you’re dealing with... guilt

I’m trying to imagine a shower for more than 10 mins and can’t.
I’d need a seat, grab rails... god it’s depressing, a year ago I’d jabs done a 10min shower at my mums and felt bad for using so much water!

I think a compromise can be found here op

This brings back memories! It's identical to the arguments my dad and I used to have when I lived at home. My showers would also stretch into the 35- 45 min range and I used to hear him come stomping down the hall to bang and shout on the door about the costs. I just honestly used to lose track of time in there. In the end I started to take a little clock in to limit myself to 20 mins (which he still whinged about but not as much). Nowadays I have 15 min showers so still not quick but much better than I used to be- don't know what I used to do in there! Hope they manage to resolve it!

I'd pick Bristol for medicine over Imperial, not that it's relevant to the original question. Bristol has a top med school and is a far better place to live. I did medicine in London, would have been much better in Bristol.

As far as the showers go - I'd say there is compromise to be reached on both sides. Your DD can reduce her showers to 20 minutes (saves the hot water, saves the bathroom, saves the world) and your DH can wind his neck back in. I wouldn't take anything from her loan for hot water though, it was tough enough as a med student 20 years ago with the inability to fund yourself through part time working and holiday jobs like everyone else did.

light head changing showers OP buy one of these and that will give her some idea of how much water she is using.

5 mins imo is very short and too extreme from 30-45 it is not in my opinion a compromise she will pay. She need to consider how it impacts on others too if there is no hot water for others then it is more than about money. and as many others have said the environment too.

If she really wanted to go to Imperial, worked hard and got the grades required and then was persuaded not to go, she may be feeling very upset / resentful. Maybe part of the long shower issue is a way of getting her own back in some small way. I'm not saying it is sensible, but people don't always behave in a sensible way. I think a five minute shower is plenty if you are not washing your hair.

Medicine is 5 years (unless you intercalate) and the starting salary's pretty good these days especially as you have no time or energy to spend

Medicine is hard. She will spend years as a junior doctor, missing out on so much because she is working while her friends are having fun. Sad to think of her missing out now too. She should try to transfer to Imperial at the end of her 2nd year.

45 minutes is ridiculous. I have young adult DDS and even with hairwashing, shaving etc it would be 15 minute max. I can be in and out in under three minutes if I don't have to wash my hair.

It sound like a shocking waste of water but if she's willing to pay for it I would accept that but I would also want her to do the washing up on the days the cold water runs out. It's such a horrible thing to have to do It might encourage her to take shorter showers.

Most of you are missing the point. Are previous posters telling other friends, relatives and strangers how long to shower for? No you aren't. You might have an opinion but it's none of your business so you keep it to yourself unless asked. Like you don't tell people how long to watch tv for, what they should do for work, where they should live.

OP, your DD is only in your home because you asked her to be. She has made massive sacrifices, at her own expense, to benefit you and her siblings. She is further offering to sub her own shower costs. I think it's appalling that your DH is micromanaging her shower time. I'd be looking into a transfer to Imperial if I were her. I expect that might cost more than a daily 45 minute shower. Honestly I feel really sad for her, and I think you should be concerned about how she is going to feel about a relationship with her father and you once she gains her independence.

Bristol Uni is bloody good, Bristol (my home town) is a fantastic city and a great place to be a student.

It will never be as good as Imperial, though.

the OP was probably looking forward to having one less waiting to use the bathroom and now she is stuck with her for the next 4 years or so

OP is the one who convinced her daughter to stay at home and go to the local uni rather than go to an incredible uni, so if she feels stuck with her, it’s her own fault.

I feel very sorry for OP’s DD. She’s missing out on so much, because of her parents, and now they’re quibbling over her shower usage.

She's going to do medicine? In that case, you need to dye the water brown, crack the tiles, add mould, turn the taps on and off to make the shower go hot/cold, and keep ringing her when she's in there, so she has to dress in nothing flat to dash out for an emergency.

Sorry, just thinking about oncalls from hospital accommodation.

Well said @pannacott

I don't see the problem if she showers when no one else is in the house. If she's offering to pay for it, like someone said, its obviously important to her.

My bathroom is my refuge for me. I like to lie on the floor with the extractor fan on, and put the shower on a tiny bit, though its a massive waste of water - its like being totally removed from the rest of the hectic world. Its my favourite thing.

I've never seen so much drama about something so unrelated to the original post. You would think the OP had made her daughter marry against her will or something. She was encouraged to choose one uni over another. It was ultimately her decision as an adult. She hasn"t compromised on the course she.is doing and will be saving herself loads of money. I agree with most.posters who say a compromise timewise (15/20 mins seems fair) or allow her solution that she gives money for a longer shower. It may well be wasting water but she is an adult and I think forbidding something like this is too controlling.

45mins is too long and selfish if she's knowingly using up all the hot water which I'm guessing she doesn't pay anything towards ?

Rtft she’s offered to pay

Halls/ rooms in London are crazy expensive - around 700 a month. Even top income bracket family would really struggle to pay that for 5 years, and they have other kids. And there's no way OP's DD could work to earn that around a med degree.

I totally understand why she staying at home, but I do feel sorry for her, but also OP shouldn't feel guilty - just let her have her showers!

Gosh, I'm 10 mins most and have very long curly hair.
How long can it take to get clean?

The issue is also that as we fall into the top bracket, dd is only entitled to the minimum loan.

It's calculated by the highest-earning parent's income, not by household income, and it doesn't take into account how many other kids/other expenses you have.

Although even the max loan doesn't pay for rent and expenses in London - at least it didn't when I was studying 6 years ago.

Congrats to your daughter OP you must be very proud.

Why can't she have a bath? Then she can just run the bath and lie in it for 45 mins. I do that, and have - pre-family days - spent almost all day in the bath on occasion!