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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
Nomorechickens · 21/03/2018 19:34

DH should agree in advance with the others that he will pay for his own meal but not BiLs, and just pay for what he has himself, not split the bill. Send him with an agreed sum eg £75 cash and no cards

Sennelier1 · 21/03/2018 19:34

I think birthdays should be fun, and that everyone involved contributes what he or she is capable of.

elenafrancesca · 21/03/2018 19:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

KittenBeast · 21/03/2018 19:39

£450 for a fucking pen?

Roversandrhodes · 21/03/2018 19:43

Fuck that !
There’s no way I’d be spending more on my brother than my child

Flomy · 21/03/2018 19:44

How much are refills?

Roversandrhodes · 21/03/2018 19:44

And I do like my brother ,I just think kids come first .50 or not he’s a fully grown man,needs to get over himself if that’s what he’s expecting

Coyoacan · 21/03/2018 19:47

Because my family are a bit dysfunctional and I don’t see my sibling v often, then I’ve apparently got a skewed version of what is normal

Actually my ex-in-laws were like that, I mean they considered that all their DILs had dysfunctional families and theirs was the only one that was right. The truth was, if anything, the other way round.

MaverickSnoopy · 21/03/2018 19:56

This doesn't help you for now but here is what I would do to budget for the future.

Tot up how much you spent on DH's family events and random gifts for the last year and that's your budget for the next year. It may also make your DH realise quite how much money you're spending on his family events vs x,y,z in the budget. Divide by 12 and that's what you save each month for the foreseeable. I hope that it shines some light on what %age of your income goes on these things and whether you can actually afford it.

MaverickSnoopy · 21/03/2018 19:56

This doesn't help you for now but here is what I would do to budget for the future.

Tot up how much you spent on DH's family events and random gifts for the last year and that's your budget for the next year. It may also make your DH realise quite how much money you're spending on his family events vs x,y,z in the budget. Divide by 12 and that's what you save each month for the foreseeable. I hope that it shines some light on what %age of your income goes on these things and whether you can actually afford it.

JuJu2017 · 21/03/2018 19:59

Apologise and say you can’t go. 50th birthday or not, that’s a ridiculous amount to pay, especially for a pen!
Families amaze me sometimes ... fancy even putting this stress on a family member you know is a skint.

Frazzled2207 · 21/03/2018 20:00

Absolutely no to the pen
Lunch does not sound unreasonable for a 50th but is unfortunate that it is on your birthday - do they realise this?

Frazzled2207 · 21/03/2018 20:02

Sorry saw that they are aware. They are a bit unreasonable to expect you to go to an event for someone else's birthday on your birthday.

PinkFlamingo888 · 21/03/2018 20:04

I lose my own pens and steal other people’s all the time. I’ll have to start being more careful now I know how much they’re worth!

dustyparadeground · 21/03/2018 20:20

The pen is silly. I'd love a Mont Blanc pen but the concept of buying something that in anyone's book is a luxury item when you're skint is just daft. It's just a day ffs!

Friskyandhustley · 21/03/2018 20:23

They are just rude. I know it makes me sound like I think it's 1924, but it's really bad manners.

Redland12 · 21/03/2018 20:24

I don't think anyone should tell you what to contribute to someone's gift, tell them you will get a gift of your own, regarding lunch tell them you have plans or come to you another time and wish them a lovely day. Please don't worry over this it's really not worth it. Stand your ground, it's your hard earned money so spend it how you think.

Areyousureaboutthat · 21/03/2018 20:38

Understand your frustration completely, op. It's all very well ppl wanting to pull out all the stops for big birthdays, but they really should consider other family members and their circumstances, as its so difficult to refuse without causing ill feeling, guilt and disappointment.

We're expected to shell out for a long haul holiday this year (which we can't really afford) so that the 'whole family' (who are scattered around the world) can get together in a central location to celebrate IL big birthday. The cost is making me feel ill.

flowerslemonade · 21/03/2018 20:38

Just to warn you. Especially reading posts about the BIL choosing the most expensive thing for his birthday.

The lunch tasting menu there with drinks is a set price of £220 per person.

To be enjoyed by the whole table so if most people want it, one can't opt out. It will be more expensive than the pen.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 21/03/2018 20:46

£220 pp for lunch? Jesus, this guy must think he's something special, expecting people to spend that plus shares in an over priced, wanky pen to celebrate the day he was born Hmm
And this extravaganza is to take place on someone else's actual birthday?

flowerslemonade · 21/03/2018 20:49

They might not go for that option but I thought it was worth mentioning especially if they are showy people and might put pressure on, because the way it's set up is that a few people can't have that option without everyone having it, you'd all have to have it.

For what it's worth I think it's cruel they know the financial situation and they are asking for ridiculous amounts of money for a pen, meal etc. It's not what family should do and people who do that when they KNOW the situation are not being very pleasant at all.

flowerslemonade · 21/03/2018 20:51

also idk why but "wanky pen" made me laugh!

fuzzywuzzy · 21/03/2018 21:05

Yearof my older DD’s are not DP’s.

I did and still do feel that if DP wants to spend every single one of my birthdays out with his stepsister celebrating her birthday, then we shouldn’t be together as he clearly didn’t see us as family.

Luckily for me DP wants to spend that one day with me and SIL prefers going out on epic benders with her close friends to celebrate her birthday and prolly doesn’t even remember who was or wasn’t there.

SirGawain · 21/03/2018 21:08

Did remind them that the meal day was also your birthday? SIL and BIL sound a bit self absorbed, but then it is his 50th.
Since when did being any age entitle anyone the spend someone elses money.

Blueink · 21/03/2018 21:08

Find a way to make the lunch work, don’t give a present