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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
Blueink · 21/03/2018 21:13

I had a family wedding on my birthday. This is only a lunch. It’s not a big deal it’s your birthday is it? If it was your DD birthday & she couldn’t be there, different matter.

Abbylee · 21/03/2018 21:34

50? Big deal. When i turned 50 all I got from in-laws were cards saying how old I was. Multiple cards from same people.
Sil can cough up the money.

Take what you can and enjoy your children. Invite them over to celebrate when it is convenient.

Selfish people should not rule the earth.

user1483875094 · 21/03/2018 21:38

Dear SIL
Unfortunately we are unable to attend on that date - however we would like to invite you to come to our house for Sunday lunch on this date.
The pen is a lovely idea but I’m aftaid way out of my price range - I’ll get my brother a gift from us separately.
Enjoy the celebrations
Love chorlton

THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Good luck op. xxx

GreenTulips · 21/03/2018 21:40

Tell DH to take a sandwich - stretch to an M&S one to show willing!

Have you spoke to them yet OP?

anothersuitcase · 21/03/2018 21:41

It's not a precondition of becoming a parent that you need to have enough income to throw money around on pointless luxuries

This a thousand times over, so depressing how many posters have attacked the op for daring to have more than 1.2 kids unless you're rolling in it

auditqueen · 21/03/2018 22:25

Why is it acceptable for the OP to be made a fuss of on her birthday, but not for a man who is celebrating his 50th?

My DB and his wife have three children. My partner and I have none and my sister and her partner have none. We often like to meet for lunch or dinner. Sometimes, shock horror, to celebrate birthdays. Most of the time my DB can't come because his wife has decided that it's not fair because where we're going isn't child friendly. In truth, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, depending on what we fancy. Why should all decisions about where to eat, what to celebrate, be dependent on other people's children?

DesdemonasHandkerchief · 21/03/2018 22:37

This is the single most identifying thread I have ever read on MN!
So many unusual and specific details. It's to be hoped your in laws aren't Musnetters!

Notonthestairs · 21/03/2018 22:39

I suspect the OP's version of a fuss of her birthday is a lot cheaper than her BIL's and they don't have a lot of money.

If you want to do something expensive without children lovely (we do) - but you can't complain if not everybody can afford it or make it work for their family. (or want to spend that day celebrating their brothers birthday on the day of their wives birthday).

My brother has more children than we do and I would never put him in that position - I scale down and/or make it practical. The question being do I want him and his family there more than I want to splash out - and I'd rather he was there and not stressing.

Areyousureaboutthat · 21/03/2018 22:49

This is the single most identifying thread I have ever read on MN!
So many unusual and specific details. It's to be hoped your in laws aren't Musnetters!

Or maybe not. I've had a chill down my spine a couple of times reading a thread about myself which I didn't remember posting. Except I hadn't posted it, the details were the same! Uncanny. Confused

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/03/2018 22:54

No to the pen.

Say “ SIL as it will be my birthday you will be footing the bill”

ThatItIs · 21/03/2018 23:37

I don’t think the family are that unreasonable. They can chose to do what they like for the BIL birthday. It’s the OPs DH who is unreasonable. He has the power to say no if if wants but doesn’t. That’s no ones fault but his own. It sounds like he always gives in and does what his family wants and not what’s best for himself, his wife and his kids. That’s spineless.

SnorkFavour · 21/03/2018 23:46

So OP has to be okay with her DH going to his brother's expensive birthday lunch because if he doesn't and goes out with his wife and children for her birthday it means she thinks the world revolves around her. How odd.

However SIL demanding £150 from people for an overpriced pen and expecting them to shell out for an overpriced lunch is fine. Because clearly the world must revolve around OP's BIL. Right.

This is spot on! It's incredible that OP, who's only asking for a little time, is considered demanding, yet the brother, who's asking for a £600 pen, an expensive meal AND a little time is perfectly OK. But then this is Mumsnet and along with that come the alternate universe GF's Grin

£450 for a fucking pen? Sadly no, Kitten, it's £600.

Your BIL sounds like a giant baby OP and I feel so sorry for you all.

No to the present, simply say it's completely unaffordable and no to the meal which as money is tight and you have 5 little ones to take care of is also out of the question.

I'd much rather spend that money on you and my daughter if I was your DH.

Do they know it's your birthday as well?

Plese, please don't feel obliged to do any of this. Keep your money and explain that you're already planning to celebrate your and your daughters birthday. I wouldn't be surprised if they've done this on purpose tbh.

I'm so sorry you have this dilemma with these ridiculous people!

manicmij · 21/03/2018 23:57

Who on earth goes to all that trouble and expense for a 50th birthday.Has he beaten some horrendous illness that he wasn't expected to survive that such efforts are being made. A really exciting gift a Pen even being a posh expensive one will probably just sit in the box until it turns up on Bargain Hunt. YANBU don't contribute or go to the meal, It's a 50th birthday for goodness sake.

SnorkFavour · 21/03/2018 23:58

Ok and I just read the OP to my husband who looked incredulous and said "I'd tell them to ram it up their arses" haha.

I agree.

He was appalled and said he wouldn't consider this for his brother in your circumstances! He said he'd rather give our daughter a party and spend the day with me and the children!

GreenTulips · 22/03/2018 00:09

Why should all decisions about where to eat, what to celebrate, be dependent on other people's children?

Well because it's a family celebration and the children are you know family? especially fucking Christmas

And who is 'WE' the main organizers who don't give a monkeys about other people and their finances - you sound like a self centered bully

Fififerry1 · 22/03/2018 00:16

My husband’s best friend from childhood and his wife are like this. We are constantly being ‘invited’ to celebrations (proper printed invitations) for birthdays, wedding anniversaries etc at restaurants. They are always on a Sunday to suit their family arrangements.
On his 40th we travelled the 3 hours from where we now live to the venue for an expensive Sunday lunch, were put on a table of 10 with his brothers and their children and were then asked to split the table bill between the 3 couples - so paid for their children. Our 4 children had not been invited and we had also had to make arrangements for them for a full day. To add insult to injury some people on other tables had left without paying as they hadn’t realised they would be expected to and we were asked to contribute to that as well.
We are not mean people at all, nor do we lack money and probably err on the over generous side but needless to say we have declined every subsequent invitation.
They also send out a birthday present wish list. Which we don’t respond to either.
My husband still likes his friend and they visit us occasionallly and attend our (paid for) special events but we do not indulge their ridiculous arrangements. Why they think it is acceptable or normal baffles me.
Just say no to it all and invite them to your home for dinner to celebrate.

Lalliella · 22/03/2018 00:17

When I was 50 DH and I threw a big party, did all the catering and bought the booze ourselves, and asked guests not to buy presents but to sponsor me in my 10k run for Alzheimer’s. Yep, I am positively a saint! But what mattered to me was that the people I loved were there and had fun, I didn’t want materialistic things.

Say no to the pen! And unless they’re footing the bill for lunch, say no to that too. Invite BIL over for a separate celebration.

lalalalyra · 22/03/2018 00:26

£220 a head for lunch, £150 for a quarter of a pen, plus drinks and no doubt a split of BIL's meal... You are talking the best part of £500 for a birthday. I'd assume my SIL was having me on if she suggested that.

1forAll74 · 22/03/2018 01:19

All this birthday nonsense would really annoy me. Buying or contributing to an expensive present that others have suggested is just so wrong. I am 76 today, and always say I don't want any gifts at all. I have been out with my son for a fairly cheapo pub lunch, and lots of chatting, and this meant more to me than any gifts.

Rafflesway · 22/03/2018 05:05

Now THAT is a party I would hugely support Lalliella!

Bet it was fab and, fingers crossed, you received great donations.

What lovely people you are 🌟🌟🌟 can I come to your DH's 60th? Grin

LoveProsecco · 22/03/2018 06:19

No to pen & no to lunch!

LaurieF · 22/03/2018 06:35

misses point entirely
I would be mega pissed off if I woke up on a special birthday and my entire family had bought me... a pen. One bastard pen!

Anya2012 · 22/03/2018 07:21

A 50th is special. I don’t see what the big deal is about going to your BIL 50th on your birthday is. This year I’m going to a wedding the weekend of my birthday and the following week a 40th so I won’t have a chance to celebrate my birthday, but I would expect my close friends to my 5big birthdays ahead of there’s. I think family is really important and it’s really nice that they want to spend their special day and it sounds really sad that you want to snub them.

I would make an effort to go to the lunch. If you can’t afford the pen then I don’t think he’d care, get a small present or none , but I think what people don’t realise is that people invite you to things bc they want you to be there and be included at something special. I hope you’re made to feel special on your 50th too.?

Anya2012 · 22/03/2018 07:23

There is no way it is £220 for lunch -@lalalalyra!

J4 · 22/03/2018 07:27

I’ve never posted on here before but just cannot believe this thred.

Why have they chosen ‘your’ exact birthday to celebrate his birthday which isn’t even that day. This is so disrespectful to you op I really feel for you and for your husband to consider going is insulting to you and you children.

Why can’t they arrange the lunch on the Sunday or the Saturday the other side of his birthday if his is mid-week. Who arranges a family birthday celebration on the date of another family members birthday. Who does that? Have they even made reference to it being your birthday that day? Your husband should absolutely not go and say ‘sorry I would love to celebrate with you but it’s my wife’s birthday that day’.

And as for all the money business, well asking anyone with 5 children to contribute that amount and attend an expensive lunch just shows what self entitled inconsiderate people they are. They should absolutely be paying for you. I’m afraid they are all treating you badly, it seems like they don’t care it’s your birthday as they know your husband won’t put you first and will attend regardless.