BIL birthday - OTT?

[chorltonwheelies]

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

I think DH might put it on a credit card or more likely take it from savings.

My post was AIBU. The fact that I am not gives me confidence to stand up for myself besides originally some people said I was being selfish over the meal & DH should go.

I can’t physically stop him but I am going to say something to ILs.

And spending money we don’t have out of revenge doesn’t help the family either. DH is being pulled in 2 different directions.

Surely your DH is adult enough to know that you cant afford it and tell his family

We’ve had lunch there. I think it was £39 a head and very good. Hopefully not as expensive as you feared?

Tell him if he goes - you are all going! Why should his family miss out on treats etc so he can go out and spend. Ask him where the funds are coming from.
How would your reaction be if he was booking a lads cycling holiday which cost ££ depriving your family of a holiday. I get that its his brother but this meal seems to be coming at such a cost.
If you are going to speak to the in-laws do it before the lunch not after. After is too late, they will all have forgotten by next time.

chorlton
If you are the poster I am thinking of, (the mention of Christmas working reminded me) then they know your DH is in a low paid vocational role. Why would they think he would have that much spare money?

I think DH May put it on a credit card or more likely take it from savings

Wow, you are a better person than me, OP!

No way would I be happy with this when he has a wife and FIVE DC to consider. 😱😱😱 I think I would be telling him to move in with his bloody family PERMANENTLY!!

That day is your birthday. I'd expect your DH to say he'll see BIL on his own birthday, and spend your birthday with you!

He needs to stand up to his family & tell them in no uncertain terms just because they have money to flounce about doesn't mean he will cave in to their every whim.
They all sound like a nightmare tbh, never got all these family estravagence around birthdays. It's all about showing off and making some odd statement rather than a persons birthday

My 50th I paid for everyone at a good restaurant. I just wanted everyone to come and said no gifts tho they did bring some. I’ve got a month blanc - leaving present from previous job. I had to replace the cap last week for the second time - it cost £68 - I had a good moan and they knocked £20 off

They ABU- just say no and have a lovely birthday xx

To all those keen for neices and nephews x 5 to visit you...bless you. I'd love to think this is mainstream, but it's not. I have no issue with 5 kids if you can afford to give them a good life with the odd meal out every now and again. I wouldn't have expected you to abort any of your babies (what athing to say!) but to think carefully of the implication on your quality of live of having to feed, clothe and care for 7 daily whilst you husband works in a vocational role. You're happy with that decision, which is just as well really as your husband has no intention of changing.

You have posted before and i sense how you feel because you are in this situation and the only way to change it us for your husband to put his loyalty to you and his kids before a gang of adults.? You haven't been unreasonable either times you've posted i just wish things were easier for you. Maybe you just need to adopt a 'that's just the way it is' attitude and budget for DH's trips out with family and not get upset when it crops up

When you post on AIBU people will tell you the truth as they see it. I wish you the best of luck.

I don’t get the point about having to think carefully about the implication of feeding & clothing 7 people!

We are where we are. And another DD has a birthday this weekend & we are going out for a birthday meal. Budgeted for. We do manage to have family treats, it’s not all 4 Yorkshiremen but just don’t do the stuff that others take for granted. It’s not about abject poverty but prioritising. Both of us would rather spend money on say, instrument lessons that the children enjoy or other extra curricular activities, but what that does mean is that we have to be careful & can’t do a lot of the stuff that other people seem to take for granted. It’s because we try to give the kids the best we possibly can, that money is tight. And that’s fine!

A good life doesn’t have to be about spending money or meals out.

I was asking whether a) the whole celebration & gift was OTT & b) a bit thoughtless given the amount of money & our circumstances.

Most people think both. I can’t budget for suddenly being asked to give £150 for a ruddy white elephant pen or an outrageously expensive meal.

You know you are right. Your husband's wrong. His family won't change. What can you do about it. Do you feel confident to raise it. Don't be diverted by numbers of children. He is going off to spend money on his brother and not his daughter. Which one does he love the most? It's your birthday on the day and not your brother's birthday on the day...

Way too much to ask from people and £450 for a bloody biro???

"I have no issue with 5 kids if you can afford to give them a good life with the odd meal out every now and again."

It's nobody else's business how the OP lives and whether what she is able to afford is acceptable to them or not. The facts are that they are on a tight income and they don't have money for her DH to go and spend £200 plus transport on a meal, and £150 on a flipping pen. My DH earns a great wage and we don't have 5 kids, but we wouldn't have money to spare on a fancy meal and a poncy pen either. It's not a precondition of becoming a parent that you need to have enough income to throw money around on pointless luxuries.

OP, YANBU, your BIL is, and unfortunately your DH is too, spending family money on stuff his family know full well you can't afford.

It's nobody else's business how the OP lives and whether what she is able to afford is acceptable to them or not. The facts are that they are on a tight income and they don't have money for her DH to go and spend £200 plus transport on a meal, and £150 on a flipping pen. My DH earns a great wage and we don't have 5 kids, but we wouldn't have money to spare on a fancy meal and a poncy pen either. It's not a precondition of becoming a parent that you need to have enough income to throw money around on pointless luxuries.

This definitely. The OP isn't complaining about the life she and her family have, they're perfectly happy. They simply don't have money to burn, and most of us are in the same boat.

I mean, most of us have to budget for things, not just throw away money on ridiculous extravagances like a poncey pen.

The pen is a piss take but the meal, with it being his 50th, I'd let it slide.

I had a similar issue with DB’s 40th some years back - whole event was going to cost over £300...the week before Xmas. I rang SIL and said it was just too much money and I couldn’t justify it and she was mortified because she really hadn’t appreciated how much it would all add up to. I think be honest and say it’s too much - it’s ridiculous and selfish how people pile on financial pressure for weddings, birthdays etc.

Cheeky to be told what present you have to contribute to. Just say we will get our own present. If you don't want to go to meal, remind them it's your birthday, so you have your own plans. Or go and hand over your pressie. Don't beat yourself up. If they moan about present, just say we have an expensive month with DD birthday so are unable to. Personally I wouldn't explain.

as his own parents are not contributing to the pen then I think no pressure on you to do so . As it's your own birthday no pressure for you to attend his ?

Just say no with a smile. If your partner wants to go then that's fine

Send him a really nice birthday card which the others can sign with the new pen.

fuzzywuzzy is your dd the daughter of the man who wanted to go to his step sisters birthday? I'm assuming not if the second year of him celebrating with his step sis you said about not celebrating with you and dd.

Just say no