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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL birthday - OTT?

341 replies

chorltonwheelies · 20/03/2018 12:32

He’s 50 this year. Same week as my birthday and DD will be 7.

Family know we are skint. SIL has determined that a nice thing to do would be to buy him new Mont Blanc pen. Requiring £150 contribution from each of his 3 siblings.

That’s more than I can spend on DD present & she’s not having a party.

In addition BIL wants family lunch at swanky London hotel on the Saturday. It’s my birthday that day. I won’t be able to take DC & can’t afford an all day babysitter.

We have 5 DC & as I said on another thread, money is extremely tight. Family know this. Being put on spot to respond by Parents in law who are going to lunch but not contributing to pen. They are skint too.

Other siblings don’t have kids apart from BIL whose DS is Year 11 & able to come. AIBU to think this is inconsiderate/OTT.

They aren’t open to considering any other plan.

OP posts:
Snowsnake · 21/03/2018 17:52

So you say no...they can't force you.put your foot down.you say sorry we have absolutely no money at all left after our bills are paid

Pinkpeanut27 · 21/03/2018 17:54

I’d say it’s ridiculous as well.Be up front and say no .

We have the same issue this yr with my Dh birthday .

We have a birthday lunch out that everyone is paying their own way at , it’s a mixed menu so can be as cheap or expensive as they like and it’s been done before so no problem there .
Then we are arranging an activity still to be decided but will be suitable for everyone and we are paying . Then back to ours for an evening meal.
The only additional cost is to one set of relatives who done want to bunk in with the rest of us on blow up mattresses and are going into a hotel , again normal for when they visit and their choice we do after all only have a set number of beds and rooms ( there are 14 of us in total and the 4 of then require 2 rooms !)

We have been very careful to pitch it at a level everyone can afford .

Teacher22 · 21/03/2018 18:06

Just read about a £300 hen do on another thread and have seen others recently where family and peers put hard up commenters in a vice over social do’s and I think it is unacceptable. On my milestone birthday I threw a party at a nice venue for which I paid myself and was very flattered and grateful that everyone invited came.

It is not morally OK to organise an event on behalf of someone else and expect others to chip in way beyond their means.

You would be doing everyone else in the same position a favour to do as others suggest and politely decline the lunch and the present by saying goodbye you are doing your own thing.

And your DH should side with you not his family. He is not murdering them by declining and if he joins in with them he is blackmailing you too.

Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 21/03/2018 18:13

To clarify. Pen is £600. £150 demanded from each of the 3 siblings (including herself) and parents. Who are contributing. £150 not demanded from BIL’s partner. No idea if she even knows about the pen. The pen is from the 3 siblings & parents.

DD 7 is DH’s biological daughter. DH doesn’t have a step-sister. Am I being confused with fuzzywuzzy? Is it time for Gin yet?

OP posts:
Original poster
chorltonwheelies · 21/03/2018 18:20

Oh God this is on the popular threads. I am Brian and so is my wife.

Paul Dacre ate my hamster and biological men can never be women.

OP posts:
MysticFlyTrap · 21/03/2018 18:23

Don't get why people are derailing this thread on the basis the poster has 5dc. I don't get why it's anyones business how and why she affords her family as the subject at hand is the one of the inlaws wanting the poster to splash out obscene amounts of cash on a ridiculiously priced pen and a meal.

Sparklyglitter · 21/03/2018 18:23

It’s not fair to have to down scale your birthday for others but equally you can’t expect that everyone will be willing or able to commit to costly birthdays etc.. I don’t see why they can’t do something else with you guys and if I were you I would just get whichever gift you want to get or give a voucher e.g. John Lewis who sell Mont Blanc pens and your in-laws can put in the difference! Please don’t feel you have to comply when you don’t have the funds to do so and your in-laws should not expect to get higher priority over your money than your own children! That’s just bonkers! I bet they would never do the same for you! Good Luck!

expatinscotland · 21/03/2018 18:24

I wouldn't have got to child no. 1 with this wet lettuce if he ever used savings or went into debt to fund the lavish demands of his siblings, much less 5.

Icanttakemuchmore · 21/03/2018 18:26

Cf! How cheeky to dictate how much you pay towards someone's present! I didn't even spend £150 on my own dh on his 50th, couldn't afford it! Get your own gift for your bil within your budget. It's your birthday as well so that's more to payout for your dh. Also, did I read it right that the in laws are pestering you about the money for bils present but arent contributing anyway! Well if you can't contribute, which to honest is an extortionate amount of money to ask for, don't be ashamed into feeling you must. I certainly wouldn't even be asking anyone to contribute if it was Dh's birthday.
As for the lunch, it's your birthday so you've got a great excuse not to go unless you want to/can combine them both.

Charolais · 21/03/2018 18:31

In our family we don’t acknowledge birthdays, not sure why. Once someone asked my husband how old he was and he said he didn’t know because it kept changing. I was telling my son I was going to be 63 next birthday and he told me I was going to be 65. I had to count it up on my fingers. He was right.

I don’t understand all this birthday party nonsense. Every day is a party for us. My dog chews up my pens. She’d love to have a go at your BIL new pen.

topcat2014 · 21/03/2018 18:34

I invited 10 family/friends out for a meal for my 40th, and I paid the bill.

Cost me about £600, but I could afford it - and wanted to do that.

I am still pleased I did that to this day.

Some people are so grabby and view the reverse as the way things are.

I got a jumper from mum, and a homemade card from DD.

I would decline contributing to the pen, certainly.

Jaxhog · 21/03/2018 18:35

YANBU. I'm not skint, and I wouldn't go along with this!

Politely tell your SiL that you have already bought him a present, and have already arranged a lunch for YOUR birthday that day. And you hope he has a lovely day.

MuvaWifey77 · 21/03/2018 18:43

“Sorry I have other plans, but thanks. I will drop my gift to him in person”
Simple 🤷‍♀️

RJnomore1 · 21/03/2018 18:44

The 5 children are nothing to do with it. Op isn't pleading she can't feed her children.

She's saying her family will struggle to spend £300 possibly more on a siblings birthday and it will mean a child loses out. Doesn't matter if that's an only child or one of 20.

Utterly ludicrous and I don't know anyone who would spend that on a sibling.

Start a thread "how much did your dbs 50th birthday cost you" and see the response

dotdotdotmustdash · 21/03/2018 18:45

My Db turned 50 last year and I sent him an Amazon delivery of a nice bottle of booze that cost me £30. He was really pleased with it. I shall expect a similar gift from him on my 50th next year.

Then we both have years to save for our 60ths!

rocketgirl22 · 21/03/2018 18:53

I would say no to the pen and get your own (much cheaper present) and try and go to the lunch, this is a reasonable compromise. Leave early so lunch doesn't turn into cocktails in London otherwise you really will need a second mortgage!!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/03/2018 18:55

I can see why he would want to do this and not bring able to take part in things due to lack of money is rubbish but his choice to have five children and barely manage the outgoings. Considering you don't pay rent or mortgage as it comes with the job, should he lose that he'll have far more to worry about than a pen if you are already barely scraping by.

knickerelastic · 21/03/2018 18:55

I wouldn't personally buy anything more than a card & would spend the money on my own family.

An expensive pen is very unreasonable anyway.

rookiemere · 21/03/2018 19:01

Lunch will be an expensive booze ridden affair, so even if it is a modest set price menu, there will be bottles of champagne and fine wines on too of the course.
Even if DH goes alone then SIL will find a way to shaft him for more than his fair share of the alcohol I reckon he will pay an absolute minumum of £100. I would be so upset about it all. I would have to respond to SIL regarding the stupid pen though.

simiisme · 21/03/2018 19:06

It's a selfish, thoughtless demand for a huge amount of money.
YANBU. Buy a gift with whatever amount you would normally spend. Send your apologies for the swanky lunch due to the babysitter issue.
Don't feel bad about it.

YearOfYouRemember · 21/03/2018 19:07

Chorlton - I was talking to fuzzy not you.

Rose87777 · 21/03/2018 19:09

Absolutely. Bloody. Ridiculous.

A PEN?! When a family with 5 children is asked to contribute to a PEN that would benefit from its own insurance you know the world has gone frigging MAD Hmm

NellMangel · 21/03/2018 19:12

A £600 pen!

NellMangel · 21/03/2018 19:13

Ooh cross post rose - I had to Google these posh pens, they're literally just pens.

SpringEquinox · 21/03/2018 19:31

My dear older brother has just called to talk about his birthday - and I think he has considered things well. It's a milestone birthday, for family only i.e. his children and families , his wife's children ( his step children) and families, me and my family and relevant partners. At a nice restaurant, but not silly prices, for lunch so easy for children, set menu with options. He is paying for himself and wife and all grandchildren and all the wine, all adults to pay for themselves ( they have semi retired - not skint but paying for everyone would be a stretch) . Also, no presents, please as they have enough stuff.