That a 40 year old man child is pathetic not endearing?

[RoryAndLogan]

My cousins husband has posted online about meal prep she has done for him. She's going away with work for 3 days, and has filled the fridge with Tupperware labelled 'breakfast', 'lunch' and 'dinner' for each day.

His post was 'wife goals! No going hungry for me!'

He's 39 years old.

She's mentioned in the past how if she's ever away he will just eat pizza if she doesn't prepare his meals as he can't do anything else and talks about it like it's endearing and sweet

AIBU that this isn't at all endearing, but pathetic?

Posting on Facebook in that manner would make anyone cringe. Not that I've ever been on Facebook - probably for this reason, i.e. people bragging about all manner of pathetic nonsense and using all the "#" business as if they're 12.

Having said that, if I was away for 3 days I would ask DH whether he'd prefer to eat out after work or should I leave him something. Often it's a hassle to reheat food, so I might leave something like a tortilla with salads, etc. Last time I left a vegetarian tagine because you can't get food poisoning reheating that.

I do think putting a fixed dinner on a plate is akin to "meals in wheels" and actually very depressing. Also things go off and meat / fish are dodgy if not frozen. Finally, it's very unappetising seeing what you are going to be eating for three days, festering in the fridge. Enough to put anyone off, frankly.

I'm not sure what this cousin could possibly have left out for the DH breakfast? You can't exactly do bacon or eggs ahead of time. Cereal is in a box. Overnight oats are exactly that but won't last 3 days?

That’s like following me.

No, following is going into another thread and interacting with the same poster unprompted. Like you did with me.

You're a bit slow, aren't you?

These people who have husbands who apparently literally could not feed themselves without their help - don't you worry about what would happen if you got ill, or indeed died? If you have children, isn't it shockingly irresponsible to leave them in a position where their potential sole carer can't sort out a meal?

I'd judge them more for posting it on social media with the hashtag #LifeGoals than for actually doing it. But I still find it stomach churning to infantilise a grown man. YANBU.

I leave pre-prepared meals out for my teenage DS when I'm on a late shift, even though as at his age he should be more than capable of cooking his own tea. (He can make snacks but probably wouldn't stir himself to cook a full meal while I'm out.) I am a bit embarrassed typing this out here, and I would be embarrassed to admit this in my real name. (DS does and can wash up, clean, do the laundry, etc etc, but on the whole he does not cook. I feel I've let him down a bit by not making him.)

I can't imagine being sanguine about doing this for an adult male partner and then having it broadcast out on facebook. I'd be so embarrassed for the both of us, that he would be so infantilised and that I'd be facilitating his infantilisation.

YANBU, I'd really hate to be someone's cook once they're past the age of about 16. It's pathetic, I'd run a mile if I was her. Sadly some women do get a kick out of being a dogsbody, and accept that it's their role. Never underestimate the power of internalised misogyny.

Our motto in our marriage is - ensure that we have made it as easy as possible to cope of the other one dies or becomes incapacitated (romantic, I know!). So we both know how to cook, know everything about the kids' routines, who their friends are, how to organise play dates etc. And then know how to pick things up for the business, who the accountant is, who our freelancers are etc and how to contact them all.

Not exactly a sexy motto but if anything happens to either of us then at least we know everything inside out.

I think it’s a bit ridiculous but you see it with plenty of other things too. People that just can’t even possibly 'do maths' or women who leave all the DIY to their husbands. I’ve seen threads on MN where posters admit they wouldn’t even attempt to change a tire.

It all a bit lame.

Having said that my husband tends to manage all our financial affairs. He is a lot better at it than me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Each to their own but it would be a cold day in hell before I did this.

I think a lot of women get some sort of smug satisfaction that their 'man' couldn't live without them. Or that they need to be the good 'little wife' in order to keep their man. Whatever the driving force behind it It's a dynamic that works for some.

Expecting someone to cook is very different from expecting them to change a tyre or do DIY.

Unless you're spending time doing DIY/changing tyres 3 times a day every single day. And i imagine most people who can't change tyres can cope if their OH goes away for a few days, without that OH having to reach "goals" to ensure your lack of tyre changing doesn't mean you starve to death

YY Vladmir some women do pride themselves on it. When my stepdad comes in from a hard days work (FYI he's a hairdresser not a labourer) my Mum takes his shoes off for him and rubs his feet she never gets a foot massage. He doesn't even make her a cuppa. What she has got over the years is him cheating on her with countless women. I feel sorry for her, I feel like screaming that the foot rubs won't magically turn him into a nice guy

These people who have husbands who apparently literally could not feed themselves without their help - don't you worry about what would happen if you got ill, or indeed died?

Yes, of course. When I've been away or in hospital, it's a worry. I remind him a lot to also eat, and he seems to find enough to go on with, even though it's mainly snacks and take aways. To be honest, with his diagnoses, I hope adult social care would do an assessment if he had to live alone.

This article came up on my twitter feed - rather pertinent to this thread I think

metro.co.uk/2017/11/01/male-incompetence-is-a-subtle-form-of-misogyny-7046248/

I do this for DH when I'm away for extended periods of time (a few weeks). He is a capable cook, but works long hours in a very stressful job. As well as bung in the oven meals, I'll split packets of sausages/bacon up into portions....purely to save money otherwise he'd cook the whole lot in one go. I don't mind doing it and batch cook regularly anyway. He appreciates it and there are no expectations to do it. When I return I've usually found that he's done a few jobs I hate, like defrosting the freezer or deep cleaning the cooker or oven.

I would really struggle to feel any attraction for a man who was well and able-bodied yet genuinely couldn't basically look after himself - cooking, cleaning, being organised etc. There's just no excuse for it at all, it's juvenile and pathetic and very definitely a choice not to be independent, self-reliant and strong. I definitely couldn't manage sex with someone like that. Ugh, it would feel all kinds of unequal and wrong.

Someone who was ill or in need of care is a totally different story. The two cases are simply nothing alike.

It is pathetic and if he should have to look after himself for a prolonged period of time he really should make more effort. Everyone, man or woman, should be able to prepare simple meals for themselves. Supposing she should need a long stay in hospital? It's always good to learn a new skill.

YANBU. Pathetic.

Pathetic.

My dh is a grown man and capable of having a mortgage, hold down excellent job etc. However, if left to his own devices, his eating habits are erratic, bordering on dreadful. He can cook a lovely roast, or a stir fry, but would live on tinned tuna with pasta. I'd probably plan a few dishes for him if I was going away just so he didn't like on takeaways and pasta!

polly - he is capable but chooses not to. Why on earth would you do that? Why are you infantilising him?

You are being unreasonable in thinking it’s any of your business to get so worked up about it. However if it was my husband I would find it a proper turn off. But it’s not. And it’s not yours. So let it go and let your cousin change her husband’s nappies and cut his dinner up as much as she wants. He’s her husband, not yours. Be grateful for that!

I too have erratic eating habits and work hard: where’s my personal chef?

Oh, oops, I married a man.

Eugh, men like this make my vagina dry up. I can be your mother or your wife, but never the two will mix.

Some couples divide jobs up, I do all the cooking my husband changes the oil in my car/puts up shelves/sets up new electronic equipment/puts the washing on. He could cook himself a meal, I could get the electric drill out and put a few shelves up. It suits us this way, don't know why that would bother anyone else.

Thinking about it my DD and DSIL are the opposite to me and DH, SIL does all the cooking, DD does the car maintenance which is funny because I taught her how to do it and don't do my own.