My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

You are not doing your children any favours letting them see you be treated as second choice and it sounds like your DM is starting to do the same with your daughter. As your daughter gets older and has a more adult outlook and is more opinionated that is going to increase.

That is not a loving grandparent, that is poisonous and is how unhealthy families keep going. The only way is to walk away.

Why would you even think of doing care for someone that has shown over and over since you were small that she sees you as not as good or not as worthy? This isn't someone who is healthy in your life in any shape or form.

It isn't worth saving family bonds at all costs, it is worth saving ones where the sum of the parts is stronger than the individuals, where you all do better by being together. On the most part do you feel better, loved, happier or stronger being part of that family or do you feel torn down, disrespected and unloved?

If these people weren't your family would you ever choose hang out with them? That is a good litmus test for me.

Wow your mother is a truly disgusting person. She, unlike you, had no worry about saying something to put a dampner on your daughter's birthday. So not only a you second class but so is she angry.

Your dad isn't so lovely either to be happy in condoning her bad behaviour and your sister's. He is s coward, very disappointing for you- I am sorry

Yes, to all of this.

I'd walk away from all them. Zero contact.

Buttfaced. Good point.* I’m actually really good friends with some of DSis school friends, none of whom speak to her.*

OP you have to put your family first. Not your parents or sister. Your sister and mothers behaviour towards you is disgraceful and as others have said it will affect your children. You cannot control how they conduct themselves but you can control how you choose to interact with them . Your mother has picked her side. It doesn't sound like the relationship brings you any happiness or not. Starve them of oxygen. Let your kids see that their mother is not willing to be treated in this way

Happiness or joy

sunshine

I am exactly the same position, and have been for years. It is really really hard at times, christmas, birthdays, mothers days are the worst. I now plan in advance a busy full on day so I don't give myself the chance to cry and be upset.

Why am I doing this? Why am I not just putting up with their behaviour?

Because six months ago they turned on my children.

Only then did I truly have the power to walk away, to stop it in its tracks. Did I want another family cycle of this nasty spiteful behaviour? No. Did I want my dc watching my horrified face as my father laid into my dd12 and my mother to sit there in silence drinking wine pretending she couldn't hear the disgusting things pouring out of his mouth.

I can not tell you it has NOT been easy. At the beginning I lived in a cycle of fear (never seeing them again) guilt (that this was all somehow my fault) and anger (that they could do this again to me, over and over) and sadness that I didn't have the family other people have.

It is a form of grief for the family you never had, and never will.

You can't change them into nice caring people, they won't change themselves into nice caring people, so you decide to be strong and to minimise contact and stop the cycle.

Our children will never have to live though this, so there is a very good purpose. Our children will have healthy normal loving relationships with their parents and for me this is the most important goal of all.

The cycle is broken, you are free, and like any abusive relationship yes it is hard to walk away, but walk away you must, for your sanity and for your kids.

I bet this is all about something initially unrelated to you. DSis has had job problems/ money problems / relationship problems and being who she is (spoilt golden child) cannot face the fact she has cocked up in life. So throws a wobbly over some made up issue with OP to prove to DM and herself that all of the angering issues she has are nothing to do with her - No, there to do with evil sis excluding her perfect DC from sleepover, hence she can vent sand tantrum to her hearts content and blame it on someone else. Sadly DM supports this, proving to DSis she is quite justified in behaving this way.

* I’m actually really good friends with some of DSis school friends, none of whom speak to her.*
^This must tell you something.

I can't believe what I've been reading. I hope you find the courage to move on but I imagine that you are afraid that by shutting your mum and your sister/sister's family out you will lose your relationship with your DDad. I suspect that your DDad is as bullied and brow beaten as you are. maybe your DDad can join you and you both go NC

PS: I think your bold is failing as there is a space after the first set of **. Whether your phone is adding it after you've pressed send is another matter!

rocketgirl22 I also went NC with my dad when his toxicity started to spread over to the DC. I was not prepared to let them go through what I had and that's when I found the courage.
That was 10 years ago. I agree that you go through a form of grief for a while because real NC is very much like a death.

To my mind there is a big difference between no contact and low contact. and every situation is unique. Low contact isn't much easier because there is still room for all the disturbing behaviour. So no contact is the only choice if you are choosing to protect your dc from this form of abuse.

I have found it horrendously heartbreakingly hard. It is the only thing that has happened to me on such a magnitude that I can not openly discuss with my friends, no one truly understands how hard it is, the grief and sadness. Some days are fine, others are awful.

It is effectively a death as you describe, a death of the relationship you once had. The very worst thing about it is that they could change it very effortlessly by being a little more kind, but choose not to.

Personally I would still choose this solution over any other, because I can not bear to be treated badly, and will not have anyone hurting my dc either. So upside we get on with it. Does it easier after 10 years?

@rocketgirl22 Yes it does get easier to live with, like any bereavement. It becomes the norm rather than something unusual. I get occasional updates from my brother - one brother still sees him once every 3-4 years and the other brother is now also NC.
I am conscious my dad has missed his grandchildren growing up - my DC were 7 and 10 when they last saw him. 17 and 20 now. Neither have any real memory of him.
I still have down days, but I'm smart enough to realise I don't actually miss the real person, I miss the non-existent fantasy dad who would have been nice to me.
I did not know 10 years ago that that would be last time I saw him. The last conversation/argument we had was on the phone when he told me if I did not do as I was told he would not see me again. I think I was supposed to back down, but I didn't and that was that. 10 years gone!

upside

Gosh that must have been hard, so no real final decision apart from deciding that you are not going to be treated like this any longer. Sometimes it is just one last thing that finally snaps. The camel's back and all of that.

Coming to terms I may never see my parents again consciously remains one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and I didn't exactly have an idyllic childhood or adult life to think of it. I had to accept that in order to get past the possible fall out if something happened to them...so it was good to consciously know that I would still be strong whatever happened.

I love my parents deeply, but it isn't enough to put up with the same things that op describes. It is enough for me to love them, send gifts for xmas etc and be silently kind but from a distant and with no visits or actual communication. The next stage would be absolutely nothing, but I am worried that would hurt me more in the long run, I am already working on my feelings of guilt as it is.

That whole situation is awful and the only healthy road is found on the no contact road.
They are the ones that caused this and will not change. They either are so disillusioned they truly think you’re in the wrong, or they know they’re wrong but play victim and think saying “you’re behavior is disgusting” somehow changes the truth.
Everyone here is absolutely right, you don’t deserve to be treated as second best, nor do your children, and you don’t need that negativity in your life.
Your DSis can do for your DM if it comes to that, since she’s so precious to DM.
When it gets tough and you feel guilty, remember two things. You’re all better off still, as life is too short, and that no matter how bad you feel, they will go around as pleased as punch with themselves.

your behavior, not “you’re” behavior

DM didn’t speak when I got home tonight, so I didn’t bother. I’m just not interested in the hassle anymore. She just said a sarcastic “bye then” as she went.

I'm so sorry OP :(

Ah, you've probably been really mean in her eyes by not begging her for attention. Because the silence is meant to make you suffer, not her. It's shit though.

That just shows she playing games doesn't it. The minute she gets a taste of her own medicine she doesn't like it.

Ignore her, continue on getting your DS into after school club.

And today DM tells me I have to stop this nonsense as it’s made DSis so ill that she might have to go to hospital.

WTAF?

It’s the weird people handbook. If you don’t respond to pouting and strops, they escalate to claiming you’re causing fatal illness.

Just ignore. Don’t give in as all that means is they know how to manipulate you the next time.

DSis has totally brought this on herself, aided by your DM. They only have themselves to blame!

If your sister has stressed herself out because you blocked her following her outbursts then it's her problem.

You don't have to take abuse from anyone, relative or not.

What behaviour is it you're doing? Not responding? Because responding was also wrong and you were bad. You cannot win this game.

Ignore your DM.

Stop listening to her, she's trying hard to carry on manipulating you. You do not have to provide care for her as she ages, your Sis is so tight with her, that would be a much better match. Get the kids into afterschool club and stop engaging with her and Sis. She reaps what she sows.

ASC is sorted

DM invited me for tea for the first time in a year after saying that. I said no thanks. Of course now I’m being unreasonable about not wanting to see her or ever do anything with her.

She then responded with “well I’d cancel anyway in case I’m needed at the hospital”.

Dobby. Not admitting I’m wrong or apologising.**