My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

What are these texts that you have apparently sent to your sister?!

They both sound batshit.

It all started when my DD didn’t invite her cousin to her sleepover party.

Prior to this, it’s just been constant put me downs all my life. I can’t honestly say I’ve done nothing more than react hurt/angrily on occasion.

I CAN honestly say. Not can’t. Really unhelpful autocorrect there!!

Oh yes, I remember now.

I repeat: fucking bonkers.

Oh hang on we’ve reached a whole new level.

Text from DM: “and I went to DN party knowing you would be hurt, because I was hurt when I wasn’t invited to DD party. As nana I should be allowed to see her blow her candles out.”

So now nana is also upset that she didn’t come to the sleepover 12 months ago.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Aaron. I did argue for a bit, standing up for myself and my DD, before I blocked her.

Your family are completely insane.

Your DM just actually said she did something to intentionally hurt you. That's not the behaviour of a normal person.

Normal mother even.

Your sisters reaction and treatment of you has been bad.

But. But what your mother is doing is on a whole new level.

She’s your mother and her treatment and actions are nothing short of abusive.

Personally, I wouldn’t expose my D.C. to her, as I bet quite soon she’ll treat them the way she treats you as they get older.

For your own sanity and well being stop contact. I would also seek counselling, as it would help give you the tools to see that you do not need to be the scapegoat in this toxic dynamic.

Why on earth would a late middle aged/elderly woman want to go to a 12 year old’s sleepover?!

Bl00dy hell they are bonkers. It is totally not you - you sound lovely. I'm horrified they've been putting you down your whole life! Honestly, just ditch the bastards.

Narcissism at it’s finest. She’s going to be a victim no matter what. Go NC ASAP.

Reading this while picking my jaw up to sip wine. My brother went lc with me many years ago whatever his reason?? Still feel sad about it. But, jesus, you need to think about your sanity from this toxic situation and think about yourself and dc. He has missed out having a relationship with his nieces and nephews as well as his sister and brother. Tried to blame us til my lovely Dad put him right. Maybe your Dad needs to put his foot down xx for you

I haven't bothered with my sister in 12 years she was offer the chance of seeing her Dn's 4 of them and she didn't give a shit . She's 10yrs older than me a total user. Used me till I had nothing to offer. Didn't even give me the chance o f a argument just cut me lose. Her loss because I couldn't give a fuck, because my life is sweet you will be fine you can't get blood out of a stone so just consentrate on your kids that's what is important.

God your mother is toxic, she has no rights whatsoever. This behaviour is awful, definitely NC.

Give up op, you owe them nothing. Reading more of your posts, they are as toxic as hell, and will seep into your dd too, go NC with your mum and sister, you are the scapegoat and she is the golden child who can do no wrong. You would not put up with this behaviour from a friend, would you.

This week has definitely been the last straw. You’ve helped me to see it’s not actually me that’s insane. They clearly don’t like the first signs that I’m going NC. I’ve responded to every text from DM today with “I’m not interested”, until the last one, where she said I’m “just nasty”. I’m not responding anymore. I just feel sad that I’m still going to be the bad one to everyone who hears the tale, and I can’t fix anything.

sunshine whatever you do, you are going to be the bad one, whether you are in communication with her or not. Better be free of this and wash your hands of them. See this as a turning point in your life, a new positive you, without all this burden on you. Just because she is your biological mother, does not give her rights to you and your child, and to treat you in such an awful and nasty way. She brought this on herself. You reap what you sow.

I am a Gran, and I dont expect to go to my DGC's parties ( except to help). Thats for their school friends. We usually pop round on the birthday itself and see the kids etc.
Your family sound batshit!
We went NC with DH's brother over something serious. It has been the best 6 yrs of our lives.

All those who have gone NC, how do you deal with the guilt and sadness. Don’t you always wonder if you could have done more?

I went NC with my toxic sister, as I would not dance to her tune, best thing ever, I was never close to her anyway. No drama, no feeling scared, no misery. I don't think about it now.

Wow, they sound awful, OP, I'm sorry.

I would go NC or LC and and just block them, seriously. They're just getting you down and it's not doing your DD any good to have this toxicity around her.

I think you would find the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board helpful.

I cried a lot of tears at first but as the years went by I had 4 new children her only Dn's. There was no argument she had taken all she wanted and Cc . She was never a proper sister anyway because she was 10 yrs older we never had a bond. Too much I could say but her and my mother and gran were abusive my whole life until we parted. After the boys arrived I thought I would be the better person and ask if she would want to see them she said no, slammed the phone down, and then that was that. I decided she was a total bitch that if I was looking for friends I would never bother with someone like her, a total bully, abuser, I'm so glad my kids don't know her they are happy boys she would only contaminated that, life is sweet so no loss.

Hi, I'm in NC with my dad and my DH with his Mum, Dad and sister.
His family are much like yours, he was always the scapegoat the "disappointment" of the family and his sister the golden child, could do no wrong.

He's been NC for two years and the first year was extremely hard for him. Please look up FOG. Fear obligation and guilt. These are all stages you will go through, persevere through them, and you will suddenly feel freedom with no more guilt. Those obligated emotions you feel will slowly disintegrate.
Until you realise how happy you are without them all anymore. There's honestly nothing worse than keeping people like that in your life.

Feelings. Thanks for that, will have a read.