My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

YANBU at all.
They are completely bonkers.
Really strange behaviour.
Of course your dd would, and should, invite her mates to her birthday celebrations. If you had a normal family, then I'd probably also invite them round another day for a sort of 'birthday tea', but the 'party' (or sleepover, or day out or whatever she does for her birthday) is for her school mates who, as you say are going to be at a very different 'stage' from her cousin.

DD 12, DN 9

Utterly batshit to expect DN to be included in secondary age parties.

Prior to this year, we always then went to DMs for tea the night after for a family party. No issues. I haven’t changed anything.

Of course our DD is entitled to have her friends round for a party without having to include a cousin who is several years younger. I wouldn't even make my children include their siblings in such an event, and tell them to stay away from the party room at those ages.

Your family sounds unreasonable and toxic.

I'd cut ties.

They do sound nuts, but you probably should have anticipated backlash about 'looking forward to your party day' if the handwritten letter was only a few weeks ago.

I'd cut contact and crack on with your own family.

Do not rise to them. Just cut them out.

Delete and block their numbers. Block them on all social media and if you see them out just March past them.

Honestly Op you've seen how precious life can be. Please don't waste you're chasing people who don't love you.

DM had DSon for the day, as even he doesn’t come to DDs parties. So DSis would have found out either way.

Your relatives sound utterly childish, how pathetic!

I’m sorry OP, you deserve better. Anyone willing to cut a family member out for such a trivial thing is someone best kept out of your life.

Taylor. That’s interesting you say it like that. I see it as life’s precious so you need to make it up with people you fall out with. I like your viewpoint.

It's sad but they have made their choice. Experience tells me that if they want to blame you for something, they will find a way. I spent decades desperately trying to be included in my family, maybe even for them to like me. It made no difference.

Now they still don't like me, but I'm not making any effort to change that. Don't waste your time on people who make you miserable.

Has your mum offered an opinion on it. I'd be straight with her, say look there is 3 years difference between them which is a lot at this age and if DD wants a school party without her primary age cousin that is not an unreasonable request.

Could/should you maybe consider a family only party next year as well, thats what we used to do when I was little, a friends party on the day and all the family would come on the nearest Sunday with cousins and grandparents etc.

This resonates with me more than anything else on here! They sound exactly like my family. I'm afraid their batshit behaviour left me little choice but to shut down all lines of communication, after trying to be level headed while they got madder, and mad at me for not playing the games.

This sort of thing isn't really fixable I think, not without totally denying who you are and how you want to live your life (i.e. normally, and without drama). Sorry.

Block them on everything and cut them off. They are unreasonable, abusive and shitty.

I have a family member like this. Very sensitive. She's a lot older than me and has decided to be pissed of because I haven't spoken to her in a while (because I have a life and don't have time to phone every family member every 5 minuted!) - I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant and text her asking how she was because I wanted to tell her and let her be the first to know. She just responded 'fine thanks' - so I've decided she will find out about pregnancy when someone tells her. It won't be me!

My point is. YANBU, and unfortunately some family members expect the world from you. Nothing you ever do will repair that fact that you are seemingly an awful human being. I say give them some space and let them come to you when they're ready to get over themselves.

So this was a trip with your daughter and a couple of her friends, to which your own son wasn’t invited, but your much younger niece should have been??

Your sister is either a lunatic, or is looking to be offended.

My dc and their cousins all live in same town and go to same school but none have ever invited each other to birthday sleepovers. Why would they?

They spend lots of time together at family events, and chat at school etc, but friends coming over are completely different as they should be.

Are there other issues with your dsis, have you always got on before?

That’s a too bigger age gap for a sleepover, your DD wouldn’t want her younger cousin there. Your DSis is being unreasonable and your DM is just enabling her. Block them both.

I'm so sorry OP, it's sounds like your family has turned on you. The completely over the top reaction to the non-offense of not being invited to a sleepover is the pretext. Your "D"Sis CHOSE to be massively offended because for some reason she has decided she has a problem with you. The fact that your DM plays along is awful though! It looks like you've been edged out of your family on a pretext to make you look like the villain (a ridiculous pretext hoever).

Honestly OP I think you're far off better of of this. How is your relationship with your DM at this point? Can't she see your side at all in any of this?

YANBU, but your family are. We always do separate celebrations for cousins birthdays. Celebrate as a family, but as the age range of the four is 4 to 17, as our two are older, it would not work inviting the littler ones to our older kids "school friend" parties. This way cousins all get to celebrate together, while having their school friends parties too. Our nieces are lovely, so really enjoy catching up with them and making a fuss of them, but fully appreciate they also want time with their own friends.

You have no reason to defend yiur DD's sleepover. You did nothing wrong and sister's campaign is atrocious. Is she the golden child and are you usually the family scapegoat? Because it's hard to understand your M's role in this. You have all the right instincts - to step away from this crazy behaviour. It's time to start trusting yourself and step away from the circus.

But how can you make up with people who refuse to communicate or move on their position?
The reality is you lay down, submit and do everything they demand.

You allow your niece to gate crash and steam roll all your child events so that your sister and mum love you.

That's what it will take for them to treat you with some love and respect. You have to get rid of all respect for yourself.

They are cuckoo! You are better off without them OP. Stop sending presents etc.

DM always took her side but there have only ever been mild issues before. DM isn’t allowing me to her house, has told me I’m being unreasonable and won’t discuss it further. She does some after school care for my DS, and my DC dearly love their grandparents. I’m stuck between wanting to cut ties and “but she’s your mum and you only get one mum”.

Taylor that is exactly what I feel I have to do. And I feel like I’m being so unreasonable for saying no.

For relationships to work well you both have to be on the same wavelength, You clearly are not as they sound crazy.
Leave them to their drama.