My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

I’m NC with my nasty, toxic, racist aunt and her husband.

I spent years feeling guilty and that, combined with family pressure, kept me “in check”.

We then lost my grandma in 2010 who was the person that we tried to keep the peace for. The peace lasted until 2013 when she was an absolute bitch and that was the last straw.

The thing that did it for me? The fact that I wouldn’t put up with a friend treating me like that. That got rid of the guilt instantly.

I think you grieve for the relationship you could have had if they were reasonable people. You can give yourself permission to be sad. You are not a bad person.

I was pretty much NC with my alcoholic brother for many years before his premature death. I would have loved to have had a good relationship with him but it wasn't possible and I wasn't going to put up with abuse just because he was family. I always said that I would be sad but not sorry if anything happened to him and when the time came I was sad but I've never felt regret for my actions.

You see other families all getting on going out joining together and you feel a little sad that you don't have that with your extended family . I have 6 children in all, my eldest 2 are a boy and girl in their early 20s and my 4 boys age10, 9, 7, and 5. She has 2 girls in their 30s 5 children amongst them girls never will they meet them cousins. They bother with my eldest two for the 12 yrs they couldn't be trusted anyway.

I meant to say they don't bother with my eldest 2 , 5 yr old was hanging on my arm!

Blueeyed. I already feel bad enough in that way for being a single mum. But then I never had that anyway - never really went out and did anything with them, despite it being common knowledge that DSis went out for breakfast, shopping, lunch etc with them most days.

My DH is NC with his brother. It is so much better, he always rears his ugly head at the worst times (when a family member dies) and we are reminded of how toxic he is. We are so much better off without him.

I don’t know how you have put up with such rub your face in it blatant favouritism for all of these years . It must have hurt terribly, and now they just expect you to suck it up and lower yourself by apologising fir YOUR behaviour!! They really are unbelievable are they not?

The best advice I have seen on this thread is the last line of ohfirfoxache post above.
The thing that did it for me? The fact that I wouldn’t put up with a friend treating me like that

That is amazing advice that we ALL could do to applying to our lives where we have ‘difficult’ relatives.

I think you will gain the upper hand by just cutting them out. It may not be forever, but fir now you need to start to gain some control here. And, sadly, because they are used to walking all over you , you have no option but to go NC. It will give you a chance to take a step back and look at the relationship through clearer eyes. You may find that you have a much easier life without their toxic behaviour.
Good luck!

I think because they had me convinced that it was me. I was nasty, paranoid, jealous. And the old “you only have one mum”.

I've been NC with my sister for over 7 years. I did go through a mini grieving process, in some ways I still feel loss over the relationship but only as in a relationship I never had. It hurts to see sisters who get along, but that was never us anyway.

Over the last 18m or so I've been realising my DPs played a massive hand in that. With the direct link between us severed they've had to go at me directly. I'm VLC with df now and my DM decided to go NC with me after I dared to stand up to her. I've been grieving the loss of the relationship I never had with them for so long now, that this has been far easier.

It takes time and being kind to yourself.

You only have one mum they say, but so do your DC. That realisation was the strongest booster I had. My DC deserve better, and my job as mum is to give them that.

That reminds me. One of the last things that tipped me over the edge with my DPs was my df. I was called selfish, mean, self absorbed, never putting family first, etc. Then one day he wanted my back up to do something so incredibly selfish which would have left my DM alone when she was very ill. But that was different apparently, because df deserved it and I deserved no consideration ever

I have gone NC with my Dad, his wife and their daughter. It was hard at first but over time it gets easier because you realise they really aren't a loss.

I have only seen my Dad and his family when visiting my Auntie in hospital and at her funeral. I saw my Dad again when he arrived unannounced at my Grandad's. He commented on my baby and made it clear he didn't like their name. I said nothing and just looked at him until he got embarrassed and left.

Much better :)

I have read this thread totally astounded at how bad your DM and Dsis have acted towards you. You are a working mum single handedly looking after your D.C. and working in a demanding job in a caring profession. If you were my DD I would be very proud of you and it is sad that your DM is focusing on petty things like who is invited to a party but I am guessing this is the tip of the iceberg and there have been many occasions where she has either slighted you or your DC or treated you badly. Honestly it seems as you would be better off without the two witches and as the mother of two adult DDs I don't say this lightly.

I think you are right to go NC at least for a while and you definitely should not feel guilty. Just because we all only have one mum does not mean every mum is a good one and dealing with constant put downs will affect your mental health and eventually your DC will see how nasty your DM is to you. Don't sink to her level though. My mum, 84 now used to say if you can't say anything nice don't say anything. Retaliating by text to your mum won't make the situation or you feel better. Ignoring the nasty comments will probably rule her as she is looking for a reaction. Some people are so sad they need to be ganging up on others to create drama. It is playground mentality and mental bullying. Don't let them. Rise above it and focus on your life, your DC. and your job. Glad you now have suitable alternative childcare.

I have a family situation which is not the same (it does involve a 'golden child' sister, though) and is not as bad, so I'm LC rather than NC. It takes some work. The thing I keep thinking is that you're a mum, you've got two kids: would you ever treat one of your DC the way your mum is treating you? Thought not.
It's horrible to realise how 2nd best you are for someone who should know better, but it is not your fault. This stems from a time when you were a kid and your mum should have been more of a grown up. You've tried option A, you've got nothing to feel bad about. Cherish your dad - he sounds like things are hard for him. Look after yourself.

You only have one mum...people who say that are either trying to manipulate or don't have a clue.

An abusive and cruel mum isn't better than no mum...

Op going nc seems the best way for you to go. My one piece of advice would be to write EVERYTHING down. How you feel/what you think they have done etc. And post it to them. They may not read and if they do they prob wont agree BUT you have got it all out. I went nc and it always angered me that i never got "my say". Then i had a brief encounter with the person and it brought all the guilty feelings back. After that i wrote down everything spanning back over 25 years and posted it through her door. ( i was not nice either i told it how it was from my side and even said at the end i dont give a fuck weather u agree or not but you are a c%nt and this is why.... ). I finished the letter with i am an adult and i refuse to argue over childish playground fallouts. If you can be an adult please say in touch. If you cannot br an adult like myself dont ever contact me again. After a few txt msg she choose to end the relationship but it made me feel so.much better being able to have my say and the guilt went away because i had had my say and left the ball in their court
Hope this helps. X

Hey sunshine hope you don’t mind me bumping an old thread, I was just wondering how you’re doing?

Hey. I don't mind at all. I was just coming on here to comment on a new thread I had made about the situation. Come on over if you like

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3344831-dd-forbidden-to-attend-family-party

I think this is why the tab was open! I saw your other post, got to the point where this was linked and somehow lost the other one. Sorry, will scoot over now x