My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

Cecily, she isn’t afraid of my sister, it’s that she gets preference. DM can’t commit to me going around in case DSis says she is going round on the same night. She is more welcome. And she won’t have us together because of “how I treat DSis”.

Good for you! Great step forward. You don't have to let them get away with this bollocks.

Thank you. I don’t actually dare to say she can’t come tonight. I don’t want the drama for DD on her birthday.

What Taylor said. Life is too short for toxic trouble makers. You won’t be able to reason with an unreasonable person, because they just love trouble.
If your sister seriously thinks any 12 year old wants a 9 year old at their sleepover she is deluded.

Why don't you 'dare'? The best birthday present you could give your DD is to show her how an empowered woman acts, and that you will not be walked over by your mother.

You can tell your Mum to drop off the presents, but unless she can act like a normal civil woman and speak to you, it's best that she doesn't come into the house.

DD doesn't need to know there has been drama, just that her Grandmother isn't behaving like a grown up, therefore isn't welcome to stay.

Good after that, cut them out, your toxic mum and sister, you don't need that in your life making you miserable. Your sister is a drama lama which your mum panders too.

There can only be drama if you engage. Tell her not to come. Then block her.

unless she can act like a normal civil woman and speak to you, it's best that she doesn't come into the house.

This.

I can understand why you may not want to make the stand today. Its DDs birthday and DD seems already aware of how they've used her last birthday as a means of creating trouble. But that doesn't mean you have to pander to your DM tonight. Don't go so far as offering her a cuppa if she doesn't acknowledge you in your own home. Start small.

Thank you. I don’t actually dare to say she can’t come tonight. I don’t want the drama for DD on her birthday

That's ok, but tomorrow another day and you can lay down new rules of how YOU expect her to treat you in future.

The other problem I foresee is when you put your DS in after school club she will kick off again. I wouldn't necessary tell her before hand I would probably text her during the day of when he starts the after school club.

Well done op. I'm so glad you sound different already to your first post. i can understand not wanting to make a fuss on dd birthday. I like the above text putting the ball firmly in her court. If she can't be civil to you in your own fucking home then she's not welcome.

Glad you're looking at after school clubs. The less time your DC spend with her alone the better. She sounds toxic

Can you go out with the dc instead? Tell your “mother” not to come round, block her, then go out and have a lovely time

Aaarrrgghh. I think that’s because you guys are the first people who have made me sound sane.* I’ve changed how I’m talking because you’ve let me se I actually behaving ok.*

I know it's really hard the first time you refuse to be walked over. I put the phone down on my Dad who lived miles away, and then cringed all evening as I was used to being shouted at when I answered back as a kid. He didn't call back for about three months, which was great, and it was liberating to realise that I could push back, and that he had got the message.

When he overstepped the boundaries again, I rinsed and repeated. It gets so much easier with practice.

So she came around after school with presents. Didn’t speak while all that was done. Then asked if we had a nice day yesterday. I said I would have done if I hadn’t spent the day being bombarded with abusive texts. She replied that she’s sick of telling me about my disgusting attitude. And left.

I understand your decision about today. But tomorrow is another day

I hope the door slammed her hard on her arse on the way out. Now that's done, do not engage any further with her. Block her number from texting you, and send all emails to the spam box. Do the same with your sister.

When your ds starts after school clubs, make it explicitly clear to the clubs that your parents cannot pick ds up.

You are not being unreasonable at all, OP. Who gets invited to your child’s birthday party is up to your child; cousins can be friends without being attached at the hip. Not to mention the fact that it just wouldn’t be appropriate for a primary school child to have a sleepover with secondary school children. Both children would have probably found it very uncomfortable, your dd especially, having her little cousin tag along with her and her friends all night. Obviously if you’d have had a day tome party with family as well as friends it would have been different but this is ridiculous. And sending You abuse on your daughters birthday, wtf?? I get why you want to sort things out but I wouldn’t bother.

I'd block them. You don't deserve to be bombarded with abusive texts

Did you and your daughter not see your mum over Christmas in cases your sister got upset? If so your poor daughter that's cruel ( on your dm's behalf, not yours).

We did see them but it had to be planned. All I heard was “in case DSis wants to come that day”, every time I tried to plan anything.

DSis got Christmas lunch and tea, we got Boxing Day tea

This has gone on far too long OP. I really feel for you. They are treating you terribly and now you've had enough.

I can't fathom this attitude of theirs. My mum treats me and my ds is as equally as she possibly can and the grand dcs too. Consequently me and my ds is support each other. That's how it should be.

I really hope you find strength to see this through and hold fast. Never forget that you are right in this.

Wow your mother is a really nasty piece of work I have no idea how you manage to stay so calm.

NC is the only way.

Years ago in the 90's I used to listen to an agony aunt on TalkRadio. She often used to talk about the family 'black sheep' syndrome.

Have a read of this OP. You may find it interesting....

www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/toxic-families-who-scapegoat/

You can’t be the person you “think” they want you to be. And the reason for that is because in their minds you will always be doing something “wrong”. They will look for anything and everything to prove themselves right. Because the alternative is that they are a bunch of malicious arseholes and they will never have that much self awareness.
It’s only been about a day since you first posted, baby steps and all that, but welcome to the “it’s not me, it’s THEM” club!