My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

She's invited you round cos she can sense you slipping away (and the thought of not having your care when she's elderly and needs it is probably a wake up call).

But still can't resist digging the knife in that you're still below darling 'ill' sister.

Fuck me. Just when you thought you've heard it all regarding narc families...

Hope you're ok op.

I’m ok. I’ve pretty much reached “Well fuck off then”. Just the odd nagging “but you only get one mum/sis/family”.

I see, the problem is not completely giving into whatever they demand no matter how unreasonable. You aren't allowed your own opinion on things if it contradicts with what they want.

The invite and the subsequent strop is because they can sense their power over you diminishing. Be prepared for further batshittery in attempts to bring you back in line.

Don't feel bad for having the nagging feeling, it shows you're a caring person.

the nagging feeling you have is because you're a good person trying to do the right thing and be a good daughter and sister. Do you think they are having nagging doubts about their vile behavior to you? I doubt it, if they did they would be changing their attitude and their actions

This is so, so typical of toxic people - playing the “ill” card when you become non compliant.

Stick to your guns, they’re nasty and batshit (in uneven measures)

Hi you need to sit down and have a chat with your dad he sounds like the only sane one. Understand if you don’t talk to the fruit loops but keep him close. X

You don’t want that type of person around your actual immediate family. Yoir DN/sis have had so many chances to be your family and they’ve proved time and time again they think differently of you. Protect yourself and your DC and thank his you only have 1 lot of this family to ignore!

I agree with everyone. Your priority needs to be your children and partner first.

I think you need to get ready to face the 'Big Strop' - they are going to get the big guns out to get you falling back into line.

I don't think your father can't be relied upon. He's not really backed you up before, he won't change.

I certainly wouldn't dream of being forced to care for people who'd treated me so badly.

You do only get one sister / family but everyone deserves a good one! If you don't get that then don't feel bad about moving on.

Focus on your children and make that the solid part of your family.
Friends can also be as good as family! I've always wanted a sister (and consider my oldest friend like one), there are loads of people out there like me, just find them and put your efforts there, not your toxic family.

Also how is becoming a nurse the 'wrong career'? I'd be so proud if one of my children chose that as generally that means you're a kind and caring soul.

Are we related? Your family sound very much like mine.

If not, do you want a new sister?

Apparently nursing is wasting my life. DSis works a minimum wage type job, which is a much better position...

I was also super fat (size 12) and it was disgusting to ever be overweight. Until size 6 DSis put on several stone. Then it was never mentioned again.

I also bought a crap house. Until DSis bought a smaller one. Then it was never mentioned again.

And so on.

Wow, how awful, you sound like you have been through emotional hell for years. Well done you for keeping a roof over your head, and raising children whilst working full time- you are amazing! I have been through a situation with my db which has resulted in us being NC for over a year (his wife is a loon, he is a superficial twat...!) and it's horrible, like a grieving process but with guilt attached- should you do more etc. I found the hardest thing to accept was why everyone else maintained fab family relationships, but mine was an absolute joke, especially when I think I'm a nice person!! It's taken a while but with space and time, I've realised that you cannot control people's behaviour, or even understand it sometimes. Your only option is to refuse to let it affect you anymore- it will not change, and although you won't ever get another "family"- thank f**k for that in your case! Honestly, my life is so much simpler without my db, and I'm really sad to have to say that- it's realising that as much as you would love to have a dm/dsis in your life, do you actually want those specific ones??!!

Celtic. Thank you. And very true. I’m a single mum, and they like to tell me that no way would I cope on my own, I’m such a failure.

Read all of this back, and imagine it was your dd being treated like this, and I'm sure you will feel lots better about your decision!! Single mums are STARS (and so are nurses...I'm one too hehe!) some people are toxic, don't waste any more time trying to understand why they are behaving like this, you cannot because you are not a toxic lunatic yourself! Just let it go, look at what you have achieved and carry on on your own terms- be an example to your dc of what it is not acceptable to tolerate in life- my mum did everything for her dp's who could be toxic, and it took me until 30 to not accept that for myself from them.... History gas a nasty habit of repeating itself. Imagine how wonderful you are going to feel without all that nasty toxic spite coming your way!! Good luck!

OP good luck. I'd hang on to your dad - if he's allowed out to visit you. I don't agree with PPs that he should go in the trash can too - he could be a great help in the future if you're a SP and working. He shows he can tough it out when lambasted for seeing you and does various v useful jobs for you. Of course (like you?) he should have laid down the law earlier but he does have to go back home (no wonder he escapes to yours to get some peace and quiet and detox). If and when you change the locks, get a key safe and let him know the combination. That way he can say he doesn't have a key .....

Millie. So far he’s still doing the morning walk to school. He’s always still done stuff before that he’s not been allowed to, so this will show I suppose. She’s really horrible to him and he basically just ignores her and does what he wants. The conflict for him to say anything would be pointless, it would all just fall on deaf ears.

Maybe not.

DM just text me to say she’s read all the texts I’ve sent DSis and both she and DF are extremely disgusted and I need to stop!

When I asked if she had said the same to DSis, she replied that she knows I’m hurt and angry but I need to let it go now.

Seriously?!

What a horrible situation. Try not to respond to any texts and definitely don’t send them any. Don't read any more letters; file them in the recycling bin, unread. Don’t let ‘it’ go; let them go.

The best revenge is for you to live a happy life with your children and your friends; you don’t need their crap in your lives.

And now...”I’m hurt and angry that you never visit anymore”.

I’m not responding. I give up!

So sorry

She sounds utterly batshit. I think you're right and you're better off not replying. There's nothing you can say she can't twist to fit her story. And the only thing she will accept is your apology and bowing down to her and falling back in line.

Agree with above. The best thing to do is live your life happily with your kids. You really don't need this

At least talking to you guys makes me feel like I’m not going insane!

That’s beyond ludicrous. You’ve done nothing wrong and they are projecting their short comings, insecurities, mistakes, whatever into you!

You are a caring person and strong! Single parenthood is hard and in addition you’ve been emotionally trampled on by people that should be supportive!

You’ve done well raising your children and putting up with your family’s bullshit. Shows how strong you are and not crazy.

And lol at her thinking you’re wasting your life as a nurse and then she’ll expect you to take care of her.

Do you think your DF really thinks that, or she’s just speaking for him?

I mean, putting words into his mouth.

This will just carry on until someone puts a stop to it. I would apologise for any upset you have unintentionally caused (that way they cannot claim "you don't care") but explain that as a professional mother you will not be tolerating this situation anymore, especially as you feel they are not attempting to bring any resolution to it, just taking the opportunity scapegoat and abuse. Then go NC and stay that way

op, I have read the thread but would just like a recap: is there anything tangible that you have actually DONE to these people? Cos they sound fucking bonkers and desperately unhappy in themselves if not.