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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family won't speak to me.

293 replies

sunshineandsnow · 18/03/2018 20:29

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

OP posts:
Sophiesdog11 · 19/03/2018 17:38

She replied that she’s sick of telling me about my disgusting attitude.

You really need to cut both of them off. Your mum sounds worse than your sister, and that is saying something. Both are abusive. Just sort out an after school club, then make sure she doesnt come near your DC or house again, block on everything and then detach. If your DC are upset, tell them why, tell them that your mum is being horrible to you and being a bully. They are old enough to understand.

If your DC want a relationship when older, that is up to them. But they really do not need to experience the abuse that you are getting.

I've no idea how old you are, or your parents, but one day your mum may want help with her care. Make sure you are not in a position to do that, your mum is now making her bed, let her regret the current bullying when she is older. She is very short sighted, as it sounds like DSiS won't be rushing to help her, she sounds more of a taker than giver.

My DB was horrible to me for many years, I was able to distance myself from him, but mum was very much an enabler and everything was blamed on me. She also gave him a lot of money, all kept from me but told to cousins. When she was house bound and terminally ill, we did help, as I knew she would be in a mess if we didn't, but I did the bare minimum to make sure she survived. Neither of us were local and carers looked after her day to day.

Yes we could have done more, but I never forgot her treatment of me and the secrecy over the years. You reap what you sow. A cousin hinted a few years ago about the money, saying what pp has said to you "look after your own little family".

My young adult DC hate my DB so so much, they will never see or speak to him again (I am v v minimal contact). Although they loved my mum, they also can now see how her treatment has affected me and it has tainted their memories of her.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 19/03/2018 17:40

Oh my god. I'm so sorry op. Flowers

she treats you (and by extension your family) like a second class citizen. Or worse. It makes me so sad.

I'm so glad this thread had been helpful. There are some very wise people here with experience dealing with such toxic families. Take care. Hope you get the after school clubs sorted asap

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 19/03/2018 17:42

Wow, your DM really is toxic if she thinks how your sister treats you is remotely ok. This is not a good person to have around your DC, if she pulls stuff like that in front of them. She will cause more harm than good.

Octave777 · 19/03/2018 17:44

Feel awful for you op.

Because you are a good person you try to understand and get so confused. It's a mind fuck. I also understand a mum that instead of being fair minded and trying to repairthings is just as complicit. It's such a sad situation. I actually begged and pleaded for her to see how things truly were. She made me feel even more like I was in a parallel universe saying she couldn't understand and turned into the victim. Read about gaslighting and flying monkeys if you haven't already.

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 17:55

Sophie. She’s almost 70.* I’m a nurse so of course it would be expected that I do provide care.* Trying not to think ahead...

Octave. Very familiar with gas lighting but need to read about flying monkeys!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 17:55

Bold fail!

OP posts:
AllNamesTakenhell · 19/03/2018 17:57

Wow your mother is a truly disgusting person. She, unlike you, had no worry about saying something to put a dampner on your daughter's birthday. So not only a you second class but so is she Angry.

Your dad isn't so lovely either to be happy in condoning her bad behaviour and uour sister's. He is s coward, very disapointing for you- I am sorry.

Okaynowimconfused · 19/03/2018 18:13

I think you mum ends the conversation with "don't want to hear your excuses" "sick of your disgusting attitude" rather than actually talk about the situation because she knows DSIS and herself have fuck all on you and can't bear to admit they're both a pair of horrid twats.

I feel angry for you OP.

wizzywig · 19/03/2018 18:15

Do you know if someones been stirring things up with your sister? Perhaps there is more to this

wizzywig · 19/03/2018 18:15

Sorry havent read all the thread

Clutterbugsmum · 19/03/2018 18:17

She’s almost 70. I’m a nurse so of course it would be expected that I do provide care. Why would you want too.

Now the time to go NC with them, your sister can look after her when she needs it. They do not get to decide what and what you do any more.

Does she have a key to your house if so you need to get it back or change the lock so she can not just turn up when she feels like it.

Taylor22 · 19/03/2018 18:20

Are you OK?

It's easy to dish out advice but this must be so hard for you :( that's your mum. I'm so sorry.

Butterymuffin · 19/03/2018 18:31

Get your DC into the afterschool clubs asap - ask if they can start earlier, or see if you can call in favours from friends for the next couple of weeks. Your mother has made her choice. Text her and say 'My attitude is fine. Don't come to my house again for any reason if you continue to think otherwise'.

anneoneill · 19/03/2018 18:46

She’s almost 70. I’m a nurse so of course it would be expected that I do provide care

Sounds like she needs you a lot more than you need her. Remind her of this.

Sophiesdog11 · 19/03/2018 19:02

Sounds like she needs you a lot more than you need her. Remind her of this.

I wouldn't be reminding her of anything. I would just walk away. When she (or your Sis) comes expecting your help - whether it is 10yrs, 15, 20 - then you can point out that since she didn't want an adult relationship with you for last xx years, you aren't going to be part of her life now.

They can't pick and choose when they speak to you, ie not speak for xx years, then suddenly expect to start speaking when nursing care is needed!!! Let them pay for nursing care.

CatchIt · 19/03/2018 19:18

I've had very similar.

Yanbu but family is so tricky. I really feel for you.

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 20:36

Okay. I think you are right.

Wizzy. No one else.* They only need each other really! DSis did point out that the other side of the family always have DN to their parties. Well they are the same age and they socialise together all the time. DSis only really speaks to me for “occasions” anyway, she doesn’t like my lifestyle.*

Clutter. Very good point about the key!! Thanks. Incidentally, I don’t have a key to DPs house.

Taylor. I don’t know how I feel. Yesterday I was sad and hurt. Today I’m very “fuck off then”; perhaps finally feeling justified in arguing back thanks to you guys!

Sophie. I imagine they will then back and day we’ll we haven’t spoken to you in years because of your disgusting attitude. They won’t take a scrap of responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 20:36

Why does my phone do the bolds perfectly until I’ve pressed send?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 21:06

I feel quite sad now people have talked about things like needing care in X years. The thought of never having a decent relationship with your family for all that time. I’ve really tried to.

OP posts:
52FestiveRoad · 19/03/2018 21:39

I imagine they will then back and day we’ll we haven’t spoken to you in years because of your disgusting attitude. They won’t take a scrap of responsibility. Well you just remind them that they won't want someone with a disgusting attitude nursing their Mum then! You honestly don't have to take care of her, just because you are a nurse. She is being awful to you and you owe her nothing.

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 21:48

You can't fix this, you are never going to be able to fix this I am sorry to say. They are just using any old excuse (no matter how lame) as a stick to beat you with. I suspect this is a long way from the first time you have been treated this way.

Do what is right for you in terms of presents, keep giving or simply stop.

Rip the letter up and put in the bin, it is just emotional blackmail

Organise a good counsellor to talk to about your feelings.

Understand that it is so hurtful to ignore you like this, you did nothing wrong. It needs to stop now it is bullying.

Focus entirely on your own family and put them out of your mind Flowers you truly have my sympathy but you don't need it, what you need is steely resilience and to enjoy what is good in your life (and not focus on the let downs)

scaryteacher · 19/03/2018 22:20

Once my Dad died, I could be really me, as opposed to the version of me he wanted me to be. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and even though he died in 01, and I am now in my 50s, the effects of how he treated me are still there, and will always be so.

You need to stop contact with your family. I spent 35 years second guessing myself. It was great to stop; once his funeral was over it was like a weight lifting off my shoulders that I hadn't realised I was carrying. You need for your own mental health and relationships to avoid your Mum and sister. It is scary and hard at first, but do you want your dc treated as you are being treated, as that's who they will start on next.

R2G · 19/03/2018 22:26

Let it go Sunshine x If your family want to make things better a bit of space will help them reflect on how they behave. Win win x

bastardkitty · 19/03/2018 22:29

When you walk away, you are refusing to accept their treatment any more, and you take no responsibility for them - whatever happens to them and whatever needs they have are nothing to do with you. That's the consequence of no contact. It's very liberating x

Ikanon · 19/03/2018 22:44

Remember it's not your actions which have caused this rift it's theirs.

If refusing to be scapegoated throughout the family is the action you choose to take who could blame you?

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