My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

You are not the bad one if you go NC. Your mother and sister are putting you in an untenable position; they are the bad ones. You can choose to stay in this dynamic and let them call the shots on your life, or you can choose to change it. I spent decades trying to please my Dad, until I had enough one day and bit back. He didn't like it, but tough shit. You are a Mum, what would your advice be to your kids about people who bullied them and sent them to coventry, as that is what your Mum and sister are doing to you.

Mother-daughter relationships can be weird and toxic, so I kind of get how this can happen between you, your mum and your DS.

But what I can't get my head round is how your DM can jeopardise her relationship with her DGCs.

The pair of them sound bloody bonkers, frankly, and imo you're best off out of it.

They sound a bit like my family OP. The way I treat my niece seems to be scrutinised & if they're not happy about something they make it pretty clear.

In the past it's been vile messages, trolling on social media, hate campaigns amongst mutual family & friends, spreading lies about me, not speaking to me for months on end. In the end I took a massive step back as it was controlling behaviour & absolutely ridiculous & unjustified.

My advice would be (if you don't want to go NC) take a big step back from them. Let them see that their ridiculousness & pettiness is not getting them anywhere. Stick to your guns with logical responses to their irrational accusations ie. "we don't think that a sleepover with several nine year old girls would be a good environment for a five year old, she might get left out etc"

I don't think YABU to not invite DN but I do think you're daft for posting about the parties on FB when you know your family follow you. Honestly? Nobody on your FB really cares about your DC's party, except the people who are currently mad with you, and you've just given them fuel for their fire. Just have the parties, and get on with your life, no need to involve social media - to many it will look like you're rubbing Dsis' nose in it.

Better still just delete FB.

Yeah you should sneak around, lie and hide your perfectly okay activities in case some toxic person goes whack about them

Nobody needs to care about OPs FB.
It's her FB and she has the the right to post her activities.

Society is all about protecting the special snowflakes and ensuring they aren't upset. Who gives a damn if they're upset. They can stomp their feet and throw their tantrum. Delete them and let them crack on.

Keeping stuff off FB is not 'sneaking around'.

Oh op

You're not the bad one if you go nc. You're the one saving your DC from being caught up in this toxic mess. You're also saving yourself. And that's so important. For your sanity if nothing else!

I can't add much more as I see you've been pointed to the stately homes thread (it is a goldmine. I hope it helps)

Just wanted to add my voice to the crowd saying they're not being normal. It is not your fault

Sorry OP, I should have been more clear - my entire previous post was aimed at your mum and sister happily cutting you out for insane reasons.
It's a horrible thing of them to do.
You'd be completely reasonable taking that drama and negativity out of yours and your families life.

Washingmatilda no worries, I see that. But I still feel like I’m the bad one for doing the cutting out.

Are you catholic? Serious question.

Your family are being completely crazy and totally unreasonable. I included my DS cousin in his birthday party but they get on like brothers and have very similar interests. It’s the first time I have. Up until now it hasn’t been appropriate. You are entitled to decide who gets invited and it’s down to your DD to decide who she wants. You aren’t obliged to do anything. They are cutting off their noses to spite their face and your Dsis sounds utterly spoilt/selfish. I think you’d be best off deactivating your Facebook and going NC with them all

Thank you, mumsnetters, for reassuring me that I am actually behaving quite normally.

Are you catholic Sunshine? Serious question. Bear with me

But I still feel like I’m the bad one for doing the cutting out. Seriously, you're not cutting them out. They are seeking you out to attack you, you are merely defending yourself from their attacks.

If they want to make a friendly approach via your DF, I'm sure you will be receptive. They are doing the cutting out - they have cut you off from friendly family relations. You don't have to be their punchball.

Not catholic...what are your thoughts?

Ah sorry. Just a theory. Around the guilt aspect. When you free yourself from feeling guilty and feel justified in removing yourself from them mentally and emotionally, you will feel better

Until today I never did feel justified. Today I do. But I just want to avoid the drama. I generally just go along with it and ignore, rather than cause a scene, but now I just want it to stop.

I’m sorry I cannot get over the fact that your mother (and I won’t use the term DM) ignores you in your own home . Also, your dad enables the behaviour of your mother (sneaking around to see you) and obviously your mother/sister are cut from the same cloth.

OP seriously what kind of message is this giving your DC? I know you have said they have a good relationship, but at the expense of your self worth? Please remember it’s not a right for your parents to see your DC and sometimes as the adult and as their parent (even if your DC want to see them) you need to do what is best for your family unit.

This would be to arrange other childcare (friend/neighbour) and stop the after school care that your parents provide.

I know it’s not easy to NOT feel bad (you’ve been conditioned this way) but you would feel far better going NC and getting some therapy to unpick the crap that they have bestowed on you.

It won't stop until you disengage completely. Your sister and Mum won't recognise that they are wrong, and as they won't, the position won't change.

You don't have to accept being the 'baddie' here, as you aren't; that is how they want you to feel. The more they guilt trip you into making an effort to make nice, the more justified they feel. Cut off their oxygen by removing yourself from the situation. Give them a damn good ignoring, whilst seemingly sailing on serenely with your life.

DM is coming round tonight to give DD her present. DD wants to see her and obv wants her gifts. Not sure how to deal with this. Planning on just being in the kitchen or something. But I don’t want there to be a big row on DDs birthday.

I would suggest that they meet elsewhere then, or your DD goes to your mothers. Your home is your space, and you have the absolute right not to be made to feel uncomfortable there. Alternatively, be out with ds for a short while, if dd can be left on her own.

Don't put up with this crap in your own home.

You don't need to hide form your mother in your own home, if she can't be civil to you then she shouldn't be coming around.

The two options I see are:

1. you answer the door and stay with them the whole time, offer her a cup of tea etc. be friendly and continue as if nothing is wrong. (If this makes her uncomfortable then tough)

2. have her meet DD Somewhere else, don't have her in your home if she's rude to you.

Stay in the room! Be polite however if she ignores you or is rude in any way just get up go towards her open the door and say 'thank you for coming, it's getting late. We'll be in touch'