My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

From their side, is there more to it?
From yours, they seem batshit, but you said they say you're always leaving dn out, not just this (perfectly understandable) time.
Do/did you host your family at your house often to reciprocate?

Seriously, tell them to fuck off! Your sis is acting like a child, and your mother. They don't have the right to treat you like shit so don't let them. Tell your dm that she either pulls her head out of her backside or she can forget contact with dgd. You do not have a responsibility to invite dn to birthdays of a kid 3yrs older. If your sis doesn't like it then tough!

They are being bossy and precious. You are not in the wrong here. Their behaviour is embarrassing.

Because that's what you've been conditioned to believe your whole life
:( it sounds like you've played second fiddle for a long time.

DS would never come here as we have cats. So the day after birthdays we have always gone to DM for a family party. As for “leaving DN out”, I’ve often taken her on family days out and had her for the odd sleepover with DD. DSis however, has never taken my DD out with her...

I know there’s two sides to every argument but I’m really struggling to present you with anything from their side.

I would think carefully about your after school care for DS if it's likely DS is hearing bad things about you from your Mum.

Its not going to be repaired unless you get back into the box they've assigned you. Is that what you want? Pop over to the stately homes thread and there's some wonderful people there who will be able to help you out.

I’d be delighted not to be invited to DH’s family events, I’ve tried my hardest but clearly have not been offensive enough. Enjoy!

To be honest OP it sounds like they're bullying you. Your sister has zero right to send you a barrage of abuse. As for your mother I think the letter is really awful. I completely get what you're saying regarding the pain of losing your friend recently. But they sound completely toxic family members. What if they also start picking on your daughter too.

As a matter of interest, what does your DM expect you to do now? You should maybe ask her, you're not allowed in her house and are being excluded from the family with, from what I can gather, no 'get out of jail free' card. For something that honestly seems crazy. I think you only have 3 options:
You make a big deal out of it with DM and push for a solution, which could backfire
You ignore it and carry on with the current awkwardness
Or you find a childminder for the times DM is offering childcare and go NC and make sure they know why, but this option will hurt your DC's

Honestly with my character I'd probably go for option B and wait for time to heal a bit but I'm a wimp.

You don't have to be fair!

DN is NOT your child! You need to keep things between siblings fair (huh OPs Mum) not between distant relatives.

You could take your kids on a holiday a week you wouldn't owe your Niece shit.

After school at grandma's needs to stop immediately. Make other plans then send a one line text saying no more after school contact. And warn school that she is no longer able to collect from school. It's time to get real.

Coffee. He’s going into year six so I have to say I’m relieved we won’t need that anymore soon. It has been playing on my mind.

Option B for the last year has been ridiculous. Option C will naturally happen soon anyway for childcare. I don’t want to hurt the DC.
I attempted option A a few times, including after the bloody letter, and DM walked off saying she wasn’t listening to my excuses.

Both DD and DN seem to have been oblivious to it, although it does make me wary of what they might say behind my back.

So much so that when I mentioned it to DD last summer, she asked her cousin about it, who said she hadn’t known DD had had a sleepover and she wasn’t bothered!!!

I'm baffled. So the girls had never been to each other's "school friends" type birthday parties, just the additional family party celebration.

So what was the fuss/offence about on last year's occasion? Did you still have the family tea?

It all sounds very golden child/scapegoat. You mum won't discuss it because she knows she can't justify your sister's behaviour and she doesn't want to admit it.

Is your Dad around OP? Does he realise this means he will lose contact with his grandkids? Does your Mum realise that this is where it's headed?

Your family are a complete bunch of loons.

Stop trying to work it out with them. They are determined to have you as the family scapegoat and as long as you continue to approach them in the frame of mind that assumes they aren't mad, they will continue to allocate you that role.

It's not a comfortable role, I'd turn it down if I were you.

Be kind to yourself op, and go NC with them, they sound awful. Your mother pandering around your sister. I would understand, if you had a big party and did not invite your DN, but yiu had a small party for your dd school friends.

They are childish and abusive. Why on earth would you want such poison people around your children?

My dad is a different breed. He walks DS to school in a morning but comes round half an hour early to have a brew and escape. He does anything I ask him, but if DM finds out, she goes mental at him.

Because I feel that life is short and precious and you should make up with people. This thread has shown me the opposite. Life is short so get rid of the shit! It’s so reassuring to finally be shown I’m not the unreasonable one!!

I don't think there is going to be a solution to this where it all gets sorted out and everyone's happy. I think the least damaging solution probably will be low contact for you and your children.

Harmful family dynamics start when you are young and become deeply entrenched. It's very hard to see what's going on and it takes outsiders to recognise how f**d up things are.

I assumed all families were the same when I was younger. It's only after counselling and experience of healthy families that I realised how wrong certain behaviours were.

I try to stay out of all the fun and games. I have to be very vigilant about not letting me get dragged back in. I think LC is a better solution than NC unless it becomes really necessary.

I've been the person who was walked over. Now I'm older, I'm of the mind that I shouldnt have to exhaust myself to please people.

Yeah, life is short. Too short to waste of miserable, nasty drama llamas who will fight with you, no matter what you do.

The more you try to ingratiate yourself with that kind of person, the more they’ll see you as weak and continue picking on you.

My mum could be like that, so I stopped trying and kept things way lighter and less intense and now she is super nice to me all the time.

ignore them for a bit. They’ll either be begging to see you or they’ll be out of your life; either way sounds like a win.

I’ve definitely been LC for a while now. Just letting the DC see their DGP on a similar level as before, without me being involved. DM leaves as soon as I return home. She hasn’t attempted to speak to me for a while. Part of me is sad, but part of me is looking forward to year 6 and DM not being needed.