Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family won't speak to me.

293 replies

sunshineandsnow · 18/03/2018 20:29

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 18/03/2018 22:16

Well posting on here hasn’t helped me to find a solution. But it has certainly made me stop beating myself up to find one. This is the first time in a year where I haven’t wondered if I’m being a bitch and what I could do to change things!

OP posts:
HeedMove · 18/03/2018 22:18

This is mental. My dd and dn are the same age but because of the way their bdays fall they are in a different year. They go to the same school and see each other there. They stay over at each other’s regularly and do things together. They both have same friends from the neighbourhood they hang out with. Yet, when they have bday things with school friends neither invite each other and they are both fine with that.

This is madness! I’d totally detach from this op. In fact I reckon I’d show this thread to let them see they are the ones entirely in the wrong. Not you. At all!

ASimpleLampoon · 18/03/2018 22:19

Welcome to the club, OP! Scapegoated child here, I do sympathise. Your family are being unreasonable. What kind of mother stirs up problems between her daughters instead of trying to maintain peace. I bet she has done this all your lives, turned you against each other so she can pull your strings. Very manipulative. It is heartbreaking to see the golden child/scapegoat play out in adulthood, especially when the siblings have previously been close. I would never do that to my kids. Would you?

You would be at home on the Stately Homes thread, please do get some counselling to help you realise that this is not how loving families work and reset your boundaries and sense of self. Go low contact or no contact ideally. I am with Taylor and Frasier on what they said about life being too precious to put up with abusive people and have to bend to their demands to be accepted.

If the abusive correspondence continues and gets worse, inform the police of the harassment and contact a solictor regarding a non molestation order. Keep screenshots of everything just in case.

Best of luck, and so sorry they are like this. It is them, not you!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/03/2018 22:19

OP, there is a bitch in this situation and its most certainly not you. There also happens to be an enabler, not you either.

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 18/03/2018 22:23

Oh I’ve just searched for the stately homes thread. Wow. I will be lurking.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 18/03/2018 22:33

Your mum and sister sound crazy and are acting as if they love the drama. I cannot believe this fuss over a birthday celebration. If your niece wasn't even bothered about going it beggars belief there has been all this falling out about it. It is a shame though for your DC to not see their grandparents particularly your Dad who seems to keep out of it but is under your mums thumb. You may have to put some distance between you for a while. This is not normal family behaviour. I thank goodness my two daughters don't act like your sister is.

ShovingLeopard · 18/03/2018 23:54

Would you be able to ask your dad why he thinks your mother always takes your sister's side, and won't even listen to an explanation from you?

WashingMatilda · 19/03/2018 00:00

YANBU

I really really never understand these families who can just cut each other out for the most ridiculous of reasons.

My dad's family was like it to each other, his mum and dad were only ever talking to either him or his sister, and would swap between the two depending on there mood or what new slight they'd suffered.

His sister and him werd the same to each other and I guess it made it so much easier for him to cut me and my two siblings off completely when I was only 4, never to look back. Wanker.

Even if any of my family did something truly awful, I love them more than anything in the world and could never imagine just cutting them out forever. It's so bloody weird.

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 06:20

Now it feels like I’m in the position where it’s me doing the “cutting out”, and I feel bad for it.

OP posts:
MissBartlettsconscience · 19/03/2018 06:36

A) not every family is like yours washing and
B) you aren't cutting out your family ,op, you are doing a rational and self protecting response to being cut off by your mum and sister for a complete load of nonsense. It's not you- it's them.

scaryteacher · 19/03/2018 06:50

Your 'd'sis evidently has an agenda here, and your Mum is playing along. I think you need to spell out the consequences to your Dad, that whilst you are happy to see him, and for him to see the kids, that opportunity will no longer be extended to your Mother. I would not have anyone in my house who did not speak to me. Ask him if he is happy that his family is being deliberately broken up, as if this continues, you will walk away.

We went NC with Dh's mother about 5 years ago and only communicate via solicitors. None of her gc speak to her; they were all adults (just) when the big bust up occurred, and they made their own decisions. It is liberating.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 19/03/2018 06:51

Ive always had separate parties when I was growing up and no one was offended. I had one for school friends and scouts and another for family where some of my neighbourhood friends attended. Some years I just had the school friends party.

KERALA1 · 19/03/2018 06:54

That's insane. Maybe she'll realise when her dd hits 12? You have to respect their choices at that age they are not toddlers where a parent can just invite her friends or families kids.

I have a 12 year old and a 9 year old niece who get on brilliantly but wouldn't cross my mind that dn should be invited to a sleepover with dd friends. Totally inappropriate. They are being very weird and unfair.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 19/03/2018 06:57

Just seen your update about your DN not being bothered. Sounds like your sister is just using this as an excuse to get at you.

Fwiw my sister used to do the same to me. It took me a lot longer to realise my mother fanned the flames quite often. My parents were also caught in their own trap of having defended her so much all the time, they had to continue or admit what she was truly like. They would rather blame me. Last time they tried to pressure dh into forcing us back together, when he asked why it should be me who made the move he was told that it's my job to, a quick Hmm face from dh meant they never tried again. I'm now (much later) LC with df and my DM has chosen NC with me. It's great.

troodiedoo · 19/03/2018 06:58

Sorry you have this shit situation OP. It seems very unfair when you're clearly such a decent person.

When others act irrationally there is very little you can do :( other than minimise contact with them. And know that it's not your fault.

bonnyshide · 19/03/2018 07:06

Your DSIS sounds unhinged.

Could you not have arranged a special 'cousins' birthday cinema trip and meal out or something similar just to placate her (in addition to her normal birthday party)?

....not that you should have to, of course, but she's obviously 'cray cray'

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 07:11

Normally we would have had a family tea the night after and that’s always been enough.
Part of me is like, why the fuck should I try to please them and part of me is like, well if I don’t then we will end up never speaking. And I end up being the bad one.

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 19/03/2018 07:13

I would speak to your dad, tell
Him you really value him and want to maintain your relationship with him and also that you won't stop your kids seeing your Mum if that's what they want by for now, for your own sanity you are are simply going to stop trying with your Mum and Sister...
Where those apples then fall isn't down to you-you can't argue with people that are this irrational so there is no point in trying really.

bastardkitty · 19/03/2018 07:18

You're in the position of doing the cutting out because in waging their scapegoating campaign, your mum and sister are happy to ignore you completely yet expect to continue a relationship with yiur DC and even come into your home but ignore you. You need to stick up for yourself and not allow this any more.

bastardkitty · 19/03/2018 07:20

Everyone's focusing on your sister but yiur actual mother is engaged in this. She is the person who should be sitting your sister down and telling her to stop behaving like a cunt. Your mother is toxic.

bimbobaggins · 19/03/2018 07:23

“ cut contact and crack on with your own family “, love this and totally agree. In fact it could be the stock answer to a lot of threads on mn.
You don’t need this toxic behaviour in your life. Life’s hard enough without putting up with crap from people who are meant to have your back,ie family.

billybagpuss · 19/03/2018 07:24

Oh Sunshine, it does look as if you a completely stuck in a corner and I honestly don't think there is a solution that will work for everybody, so you need to know that you are NOT a bitch and over time work out the solution that works best for you.

The only thing I would suggest is finding a way to keep good contact with your Dad after DS doesn't need the school escort anymore. He sounds lovely.

Good luck

bimbobaggins · 19/03/2018 07:24

bonny , that would be enabling their behaviour and no wonder they come to behave the way they do. That should be the last thing the op does

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 19/03/2018 07:28

Dad is lovely. I’m pretty sure he sneaks into my house in the day to drink tea and watch TV in peace. He does bits around my house like my hedges, so he will always have reasons to pop over 😊

OP posts:
Goodfood1 · 19/03/2018 07:33

I am trying to find a good answer to your problem, but there isn't one, i agree with PP's advice and I think you have to just take a step back, let things calm down and at some point you DM will come back to you, let you dad know your decision but I don't think he can help.
If it helps you write them a letter informing them why you will be LC from now on giving them your version, then the ball is in their court, let them know not to contact you unless it is positive contact.
Then walk with your head held high.
let you Kids have any contact they want or need as it isn't their battle, luckily they are old enough.
and good luck Flowers

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.