My family won't speak to me.

[sunshineandsnow]

Last year DD had a sleepover party for her school mates for her birthday. When we got to DN birthday in the summer, which was traditionally always an all day family party, we weren’t invited. When I questioned why, it was because I hadn’t invited DN to DDs party (which had never happened in the past - DD is older, DN is very childish, just wouldn’t have worked.)

We have since spent all year in this stupid limbo of no one ever speaking; us not being invited to any family event, DSister acting like I don’t exist, nobody reciprocating gifts that I send, DM lying about attending any such events, me not being allowed to visit DM “in case she pops over while you are here”, including Christmas time.

DM even sent me a handwritten letter a few weeks back telling me how my behaviour is disgusting in excluding DN “all the time” and making the family feel horrible.

Fast forward to today’s party for DD - two school mates out for a meal. And I’ve had so many abusive texts all day long, I’ve had to block DS - on everything, as once I had enough and blocked her on one thing, she carried on on another!!

I’ve explained that DD chose who she wanted at her party, that DN wouldn’t have coped with a sleepover, that year 7 kids don’t mix well with primary kids. I’ve also said that I don’t feel that DD not inviting her cousin to a party compares with then being excluded from any family party.

I just don’t get it. I don’t know how it’s repairable. I don’t know what I’m meant to do!!

I’ve always gone with option 1. She just ignores.

I’m really angry today and just want to tell them to fuck off. I’ve even been researching after school clubs.

I agree with above posters, stay in the room with your DD do your normal 'hosting' duties.

But then I would when your mum leaving I'd walk her to the door and tell her until she can treat you the same as not only your sister but any other stranger she is no longer welcome in your life and that includes your children. And that you will no longer be treated like a third class citizen on your own house and life.

I'm sure you can find enough help from school friends to help you out in the short term until you can get after school care sorted. I know for me if I found out my friend was being treated like this by family I would happily look after your ds until no longer needed.

The thing is that your kids are seeing your mother and sister treating you like this, and you accepting it. You need to set an example to your kids about how you expect to be treated. It wasn't until I had ds at 29 that i really started to stand up to my Dad....

You need to go NC with them all apart from your lovely Dad, life is too short to waste it spending it with people like this, whether it’s family or friends

Puffycat

I laughed out loud at your comment 😂

I’ve always gone with option 1. She just ignores. In which case I would say Mother you bought us up to have good manners if you can not behave the same, then leave. Don't let her treat you like this because your children will pick it up.

I would tell them both that as nanny can not behave in a way that we expect and in a respectful way, then you and Daddy will have to restrict the time you spend with as nanny is not behaving in a nice way in treating you how she is.

DD only ever invites school friends and a friend from where we used to live to her parties. We've never had anything like this.

Because I feel that life is short and precious and you should make up with people

It goes both ways though. It’s not your job to do all the making up.

In these circumstances you can't fix what you didn't break. They sound batshit

Also, it sounds like it's your role in the drama to look like the 'bad one'. You don't have to engage with that

None of this is your fault. The thing though, is that if you tolerate and give in to this behaviour, then you set your children up for the same childhood that you experienced.
You don't want your dd to grow up believing that she is not as important as her cousin, that her cousin's wishes always come first.
I think the only way to put a stop to damaging patterns of behaviour is to break away.
If my mum couldn't bring herself to be civil to me, there is no way I'd be trusting her with the care of my children!
In your shoes, I would find alternative childcare asap. Your dc might love your mum, but her behaviour isn't good for them.

Block them. Dont waste your time on them anymore. It will drag you down. xx

Blimey OP, no added wisdom from me but YANBU most definitely not.

You sound very normal and so does your dd. My dd and her cousin (from DH's side) are the same age and they don't even speak to one another as they have zero in common and are completely different personalities. My dd is much closer to my DSIS's dd's but the youngest is 16 (my dd is 13) and none of us would ever expect to go to school party/sleepover.

It's plain weird.

I'd be tempted to write a letter back to my DM explaining your side and then say you'd like NC. Then do it. Some people might say don't say anything but for me, I'd have to say my piece.

Hopefully you're Dad will continue to rise above it. Life is too short for this shit. Family or not. It's takes reasonable people on both sides. Unfortunately you seem to be the only normal.

Iwannasee. You’ve just reminded me of a situation at Christmas, where dd called my dm and was chatting happily, then she said your cousin is calling my other phone and hung up. When dd later challenged her, dm said she couldn’t have not answered. DD quite rightly stropped off saying, but it’s ok to ignore me instead.

You’re so right.

Don't hide in your own house. If it takes a row, so be it.

You need alternative care for your DS, you can't leave it until the summer.

For what it's worth, I think you need to reassess your Dad's role in all this. He's not lovely if he's prepared to let his child be treated like shit when she doesn't deserve it, just so he has a quiet life. If he really was lovely, he'd to tearing a strip off your Mum and Sister for this nonesense. He's not, he's selfish and wants an easy life, even if it's at cost to you, but then is nice to your face.

I don't think normal families do this, OP. And for all you've got a cordial relationship with your DF, he doesn't appear to be sticking up for you. How likely is he to stay in touch or defend you if you go nc/lc or have a bust-up with your DM and DSis? It certainly seems like something between dm and dsis as your niece appears to be unphased.

I'm also a bit surprised that DSis is happy for her immature for her age 9yo dd to go to a sleepover or party for 12yo girls. Who, whilst I'm sure they are lovely, will be more independent and have completely different interests and topics of conversation to the 9yo and presumably have a bit less supervision. Some of which your niece may not be ready for. Is your DSis actually ok with that for her daughter? I'm not sure I would be and I wouldn't want to dampen my nieces party either- which would inevitably happen.

DSH. She really is fine with that. She’s very much a fb “making memories” “love my kids” person, who loves to palm her kids off and actually barely sees them.

Not sure what I think of DF in all this now. He doesn’t sneak to my house, he just does it regardless (the sneaking was my suspicion he just hides there in the day for some peace sometimes). He stands up for me when he’s offered to do things and DM goes mental at him - he does it anyway. But when it comes to the rows, I’ll tell him I’m upset and he’ll tell me to take no notice etc, rather than get involved in the conflict.

Sunshine, please stop facilitating your mother's contact with your DC without you around.

She doesn't deserve to have contact, she is NOT a good grandmother if she is behaving like this to the mother of her grandchild, she really isn't.

The third option missed upthread is to send a text to M saying 'Since you are not speaking to me, please do not come to my house until you want to resolve matters. That includes today'.

Oh Sunshine, I'm sorry. That's crap. On both DF and DSis fronts. I do agree with bastardkitty that playing them at their own games somewhat with that text to your DM could work as long as you're prepared to follow through though.

It's either that or invite your niece, make absolutely no concessions for her age and send DSis back a hyped up mini tween and point out that she insisted on DN being included.

I would tell your mother she is not welcome at your house until she can be civil. Expect another "sad face" handwritten letter, post haste. Do not read it. However, keep it for evidence. Also expect an appearance from df or another relative telling you to make nice because this is all your fault. It's not your fault.
I'm aghast your mother has clear favorites. My mum has 4 of us and loves us all equally despite differing personalities.

With your updates Op I agree with above. She can't come to your house today.
You don't have to lie to DD just say now is not a good time.

But she can not come into your home and be so cruel to you.

Only skimmed the other responses so not sure if this has been said already.

If you carried on inviting your niece to your DDs birthday, how are they going to feel in a few years when your 18 year old is going round town drinking? Is your 15 yr old niece going to be allowed to go then??

Hope it goes well later xx

Whatever you take from this thread, OP, you have the unanimous opinion that you have done absolutely nothing wrong! You can certainly hold your head high; if your mum doesn't want to hear your excuses, that's fine because you have done absolutely nothing to excuse. I'd like to hear her excuse for her behaviour in all this?

Your sister sounds like the sort of person who makes everything about her and her DD and over-reacts to any perceived slight, however silly. While it's perfectly OK for your DD not to invite her cousin at a small gathering of her closest schoolfriends, it is downright mean of your sister to exclude you from a large family gathering. What's her excuse? And what I can't understand is your mum's taking her part instead of telling her not to be so ridiculous.

Is the reason you are not allowed to your mums in case your sister pops round because your mum is afraid of your sister? Or is it that she can't perceive of your sister doing anything wrong. Whatever the reason, and even though you have done nothing wrong, your mum has given you zero options to put things right. They sound like a pair of complete bullies. Whatever you decide in the long term regarding contact, you have to stand up to their bullying, and make it clear that is what they are doing.

I’ve spoken to after school clubs, which could start at the end of the month. Can complete forms tomorrow.