Would I know if I'd been raped? So anxious please help

[Sofuckingstupiddespair]

I got really drunk last night I don't know what happened. I don't really remember leaving my friends just vaguely, they were going home, I got confused and didn't know where I was. Ended up walking around the quiet streets for hours by myself I don't remember all this clearly just bits.

Could I have been raped and not know? I'm lying in bed shaking I'm so scared. I don't know how this happened. One minute I was fine, next really really drunk.

I've lost about £20 I think and don't know how this happened so maybe someone stole it or maybe I just lost it but if someone took it I don't remember and what if I was raped? What if I have a std?

I'm not depressed I want to live a great life and in many ways I do but yes I am so, so anxious.

How old are you? You sound so young, scared & vulnerable - I really want to give you a hug & bring you home.

What’s your home like? (Your home, where you live now, not your family home). Do you own/rent, on your own/flatshare etc.

How long ago did your Mum die? It’s been several years since I lost my Dad, but it still hurts so much and I still just want him back...and I’m in my 40’s.

My mum is selling our family home, she wants to downsize. It’s totally understandable but I’m so incredibly upset about it. I understand about you wanting to go home.

I know you don’t want to tell everyone how bad you’re feeling, but do you have one friend who you trust to keep it to themselves?

I'm not young at all, unfortunately! The panic seems to have reduced me to feeling about 15 right now though.

I'm very, very measured and controlled usually. Control helps me deal with everything. You wouldn't know I had anxiety.

I just feel like I really lost control. All my worst fears seemed to take advantage of that and fill up my head.

Im now calm enough to take a shower I think. I think it would help to feel less grotty.

Fuck anxiety. That was incredibly terrifying. I thought I was losing my mind.

Sofuckingstupiddespair

I can't deal with anything anymore. Can't stop crying. I went out because I thought it would do me good to socialise as Ive been lonely and I just fucked up everything.

I just wanted a nice normal night out that would leave me feeling better for spending time with people, and I couldn't fucking manage to do it.

Nobody gives a shit about me. One parent is dead and the other doesn't like me, I'm shit at life and so terrified most of the time. I can't handle anything.

I think you might want to rethink you being 'not depressed OP'.

Hi op. If your friends did see you crying, it could be a blessing in disguise. They’ll be there for you. From what you’ve said so far, I think this is what you need right now. Please don’t be lonely, open up to one of them. What has just happened could be the excuse you need to start this conversation with one of them. If they’re anything like me, they’d be devastated to know that you are suffering and haven’t mentioned it. X

Ok now I'm worrying I didn't pay the taxi man enough money. Memory not clear but I think I gave him what I had which was £20 but it wasn't enough and the fare was more like £27. I think he was (rightfully) unhappy but we didn't argue as such.

I'd pay him back today if I knew how to track him.
Really worried in case he does something for revenge.

Op, I think you need help badly. The taxi driver isn’t going to do anything even if you did underpay.

Those are all true but despite that I have built a decent life - well it's a work in progress but that's ok - and I enjoy life despite worrying a lot.

I don't think if I was depressed, I would enjoy things so much? I am always worrying though, especially about good things being taken away from me if I fuck up or am not good enough.

The melt down today isn't normal for me. I feel depressed today. Not usual.

Perhaps you should consider confiding in one of your friends. What are friends for otherwise?

I think you sound like you also have a lot of previous deep-seated issues which would benefit from counselling and the voice of a good friend.

If you were my friend and told me how you were feeling, I'd be there like a shot to hug you and just listen to you.

It sounds very unlikely that you were raped. I think the anxiety comes from being drunk and you may possibly be suffering from hypothermia based on the temperatures last night.

No need to worry about the taxi bloke. Saturday night, drunks in the car, he’ll just be happy you didn’t vomit everywhere.

Sorry I assumed you were young...you must just have more sociable friends than me! I don’t know anyone my age that ‘goes out’ on a Saturday night anymore. But I’m late 40’s. You might still be a lot younger than me but not consider yourself young. I didn’t think I was ‘young’ when I was 23. I’d love to be ‘that old’ again! 🤣

I agree you should tell your friends what’s going on. At least one person.

Blonde At least do the OP of threads the courtesy of reading their posts at least. It’s really not on to comment on serious threads, hundreds of posts in, simply replying to the first post. In case you are unaware, you can change your settings to highlight the OPs posts & your own on threads.

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and I’ve been in exactly your position OP. It sounds like classic anxiety symptoms exacerbated by the hangover ‘dread’. Antidepressants have helped me a lot, as did Cognitive Analytic Therapy to look at where my anxieties came from. Hope you’re feeling better and taking care of yourself x

You feel worse/depressed today because of the alcohol. It's totally normal to feel down, even paranoid and panicky after drinking heavily, especially if you blacked out . Anxiety and alcohol are a really bad mix, but this will pass.

Do follow up on getting help with your day-to-day anxiety tho.

Thank you everybody.

I'm still working up to the shower and then think I'll eat something.

I wouldn't worry about the taxi. Where I live taxi drivers will always make sure a vulnerable, drunk and/or alone female gets home.

As a teen I was walking home as I spent the taxi money but a driver stopped me and took me home. I always round up my fare now, maybe consider doing the same in future to fund the next person needing to get home safe.

Just don’t drink as much next time you go out.

Glad you are feeling more normal
Don't worry about the cabbie, honestly. I mean yes it's not ideal but there's nothing you can do.
Please see your doc about your anxiety, it sounds like you expend a lot of energy on keeping a lid on it, there are other ways.

Good luck :)

I won't be drinking for a while, that's for sure. Not until my head is in a better place.

I was ok there for a while, had a shower and some food, and now super anxious again. The darkness outside is making me edgy and my stomach is in knots again. I keep thinking I was out lost in that last night. If I'd fallen or gone unconscious, I maybe would have died of the cold because the temperature is so low.

I tried to track locations on my iPhone but it didn't show anything, just had me at the bar we were in.

"it sounds like you expend a lot of energy on keeping a lid on it, there are other ways."

This is exactly me. I don't know what to do about it though. Maybe the counselling and also if I did CBT it might help?

Why would you think you've been raped?

You have 20 pounds missing. My first thought was a friendly cabbie took you home and you paid the bill.

Hope you are feeling more settled today x