To think that no woman enjoys this and to wonder why men think we do?

[AnachronisticCorpse]

I will preface this by saying I love DH very very much and this isn’t some awful deal breaker.

BUT every weekend morning DH wakes me up by grinding his morning glory against my thigh. This morning he’d actually got up really early without waking me but he came back to bed at 8.30 and STILL woke me up with the rhythmic grinding.

And then once I was awake he started talking at me about amps and effects processors (we have an agreement that I didn’t have to engage in these ‘conversations’ beyond saying ‘uh huh’ every once in a while). All through this conversation he was dry humping me.

I told him to stop and he said that a) he hadn’t even realised he was doing it and b) he always thought I liked it.

Basically it’s something I tolerate because he’s otherwise marvellous but the combination of nerd monologue AND slow Jack Russelling was just too much this morning.

But thinking about it, every man I’ve ever woken up with (a not insignificant number) has done this. Whhhhyyyyyyy? What makes them think being randomly poked is in anyway sexy or romantic?

Does ANYONE like it?

Don't know about the OP but I love a dictionary definition " up and down and back and forth".

We do up and down, or a quick rub, not sure about the back and forth. Back and forth does sound good though. I need to go and practice, I will conduct an experiment and get back.

DH does it, I thought it was normal. Also whilst chatting about day to day stuff.

We often do a kitchen snog and grind. The teenagers think it’s gross but surely that’s half the fun?

For the poster who asked if they had missed a post from the OP. This^ is the one some people were a bit over. I never thought I was prudish, but if thinking that^ sounds grim makes me prudish, then I must be a little bit! Also think “Jack Russelling” sounds revolting for some reason... reminds me of that Vic Reeves bit where he plays the pervy man, vigorously rubbing his thighs at women... It was Vic Reeves wasn’t it?

Re the op’s dp humping her leg in the mornings, while discussing tech in bed? Meh. If it doesn’t bother the op, then crack on.

Frottage.

I love morning sex (not that I get the chance anymore!) And actually quite like being woken up like that! Sorry OP.

A. If someone woke me it would be game over
B. I've never been Jack Russelled. And if I had it would be game over.
C. Using Amps and processors as dirty talk would be game over.

To me a snog means much more than the 'chaste kiss' the OP is now trying to downplay it as. Same with grinding sounds far more seedy than the light hearted horseplay the OP is trying to downplay it as.

Don't get me wrong, I love a bit of getting down and dirty but only ever in private thank you.

In bed is more sexual (but still not actually sexy...). In front of the kids is obviously a jokey approximation.

Use your context clues.

The chaste kiss is what I get when he comes in. The kids say ew. Full on tongue snogg8ng with accompanying grinding comes next but is very obviously a wind up. I cannot believe I am having to explain this to such a degree.

Frottage 😂

I don't know why that word makes me snigger, but it does.

On reflection, perhaps I had better stop laying on the couch with my head on my husband's lap while I'm reading in case the kids walk in.
Mind you, they've caught us doing worse on the couch when they've unexpectedly visited.

Umbongo. Was he talking about the price of melons? 😂

If I still fancy a guy I love it.
If the relationship's on the wane then my fanjo retracts and he is told to stop.

We are not so undignified as to 'dry hump' we indulge in frottage.

Frottage is my new favourite word and I am going to use it a lot on this thread.

F.R.O.T.T.A.G.E.

That's twice today on MN that I've seen the term 'Jack Russell-ing'. Can someone please explain?

Sniggers like a child.

Jack Russell-ing is frottage for common people.

Basically it's when a dog ( breed irrelevant ) humps your leg or a cushion etc @Alonghardwinter.

Struggles to contain herself.

teutonic I am sadly not melonous. At 5ft exactly and 8 1/2 stone they are more like cooking apples.

I was going to say that if DH tried talking to me while nestled in my bosom he’d probably suffocate.

Yep my DP is guilty of this. I actually really wish I liked it but I just cannot feel sexy as soon as I've woken up. He also tends to do it when I'm concentrating on something or holding sharp knives..., annoying

I keep thinking of frottage cheese and making myself feel queasy.

My Jack Russells don't indulge in 'Jack Russelling' never mind my husband 😄

Is he into dangerous sex sunshinecloudyday?
coming onto you while your holding sharp knives. One false move and ouch. 😱

There are some humourless people around, aren't there? Brilliant thread, OP, it's cheered up a grey Sunday.

I've just tried frottaging my husband Jack Russell style.
This was met with a ' gerroff woman, I'm trying to watch the footy'

Balls to it.