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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP wants a lie in every weekend

334 replies

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 10:08

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

OP posts:
JediStoleMyBike · 18/03/2018 13:50

Not everyone has the luxury just to not bother though mirime. Kindness is one thing but this isn't a realistic way to live. Neither are diagnosed or doing anything and there's no real hurry in the OP's posts to get anything sorted - apart from a lie in Hmm

YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/03/2018 13:53

Both as bad as each other. Neither work yet both competing to do as little as possible re adult roles.

You chose to have a child yet now feel it's his responsibility to do nights when you don't even work.

It's sounds like you both need to realise you are adults and that comes with responsibility and costs, something you are opting out of at present.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 18/03/2018 13:57

Jedi, getting a diagnosis isn’t really that simple. Some people may be lucky.

My DH has a long term pain condition, he’s spent over half of the kast 4 years in hospital, we still don’t know what’s wrong.
He’d love to know, we’ve been through private health and everything.

But if the tests show nothing, and the consultants misdiagnose, or prescribe medication as part of ‘trial and error’ there’s not much else we can do but wait tbh.

From what I can see, OP has been on a million different meds. She must be getting these from appointments she is attending to try and figure out the problem?

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 14:00

From what I can see, OP has been on a million different meds. She must be getting these from appointments she is attending to try and figure out the problem?

Thank you. I’ve even had antidepressants because I’ve been told “maybe it’s your depression” and it isn’t. This has gone on since I was a pre teen. I had loads of physio as a child because I’d cry in pain when walking. They still can’t find out why!

It’s not like I’m not trying to get to the bottom of it. I already feel like I have to prove myself because I’m hindered by this, being told I’m not trying enough is a kick in the balls.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 18/03/2018 14:01

“. It’s something that I understand, enjoy and is logical to me.”

Oh I’m sorry but come on. Housework is hardly rocket science. And if both of you are at home all day there’s no excuse not to do it. Your boyfriend is not ill, and his “depression” sounds more like to be because he has no motivation in his life. He needs to put the game controller down, and get to bed at a reasonable time and get up in a morning, and find a job. Any job . It doesn’t need to be in the sector he has been to uni for. Once he’s out in the real world I’m pretty sure his sleep patterns will improve Hmm

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 14:02

and before anyone says I was stupid to have a baby because of my disability, I’ve heard it before so don’t bother. I adore my son and do my best, and he is a happy little boy who is well cared for.

I’m starting to get annoyed at some of the rudeness now.

OP posts:
IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 14:03

Thanks Crisp, where did you get that medical degree from?

He’s had these sleeping issues since he was about 13. It’s not a new thing.

I asked for advice about the situation, not the Spanish Inquisition about our health conditions.

Thank you to the many understanding posters

OP posts:
LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer · 18/03/2018 14:07

It isn't his child. I think you're hugely lucky he does as much as he does - getting up in night for your DS is pretty kind. He clearly needs to sort out his health issues but that is not to do with your DS... DS is your son and your responsibility. Your DP already helps out to a very large degree.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/03/2018 14:09

Unsure how either of you will cope in the real world when a bit of housework is too for you and others even have to help with the parenting and yet neither has a job and no means of supporting the adults let alone the child.

staydazzling · 18/03/2018 14:12

the 'not his child' comments are a bit Hmm unless she'd been keeping him in her handbag until they had moved in together, you take on the mum you take onthe child if its not your thing walk away.

GrouchyKiwi · 18/03/2018 14:19

OP Just a note on yoga: if you're hypermobile be very careful with it as it's so easy to overstretch. Pilates is better as a lot of the focus is on strengthening. In either case it might be worth trying to find an instructor who understands hypermobility and can guide you through it safely.

As well as pain clinic referral can I also suggest physio? A good physio who understands hypermobility will give you strengthening exercises to help your hips and ankles, and can help relieve some of the pain.

The Hypermobility Syndromes Association might be helpful too.

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 14:21

Grouchy thank you, this looks useful. I was told I’m definitely hyper mobile they’re just not sure if it’s actual EDS or just hypermobility.

OP posts:
PollyBanana · 18/03/2018 14:26

I'm not convinced by needing to sleep for 12 hours.
Wanting to sleep, but not needing to.

GrouchyKiwi · 18/03/2018 14:29

Well, "just" hypermobility can be very debilitating too, systemically. I have what's now called Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder (used to be Joint Hypermobility Syndrome) and the list of problems that can be associated with it is very long. It sounds like your condition is more severe than mine.

There's a great book that was published last year after JHMS and EDS hypermobility type were reclassified that talks about the two conditions, explains the symptoms and comorbidities associated with them, and offers some practical advice on managing the conditions. This is the book.

jannier · 18/03/2018 14:31

I haven't read everything but I'm amazed people think changing meds is always a possibility for many it is not and the option is live in pain or be knocked out. Oh to be in the magic world were normal painkillers kill every pain unfortunately real long term chronic pain often means opiate based painkiller (knocks you out, addictive etc) or pain.

OP have you attended pain clinic to see if there are other options to help you in terms of coping with the pain? It is of limited benefit to many but may help in taking the edge off. I also use acupuncture, tens machines and vitamins like d3 magnesium, zinc, turmeric and b6 and b12 which does help a bit.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 18/03/2018 14:32

OP I’ve also just remembered, a relative of mine had very similar symptoms. It was a while ago so the details are a bit foggy but I think in the end she was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (they also thought at one point she had inflammatory arthritis) and was offered hydrotherapy, through the pain clinic.
I can’t remember if it was a ‘prescription’ or if it was a self referral type thing, which the pain team facilitated but it might be worth looking at your local services.

Crispbutty · 18/03/2018 14:33

I don’t need a medical degree. It’s bloody obvious. He’s not too tired to play computer games is he?

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 14:33

OP have you attended pain clinic to see if there are other options to help you in terms of coping with the pain? It is of limited benefit to many but may help in taking the edge off. I also use acupuncture, tens machines and vitamins like d3 magnesium, zinc, turmeric and b6 and b12 which does help a bit.

No I haven’t. This thread has encouraged me to try to get a referral to one.

There's a great book that was published last year after JHMS and EDS hypermobility type were reclassified that talks about the two conditions, explains the symptoms and comorbidities associated with them, and offers some practical advice on managing the conditions. This is the book.

Thank you. Your comments have been really helpful.

OP posts:
IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 14:34

I don’t need a medical degree. It’s bloody obvious. He’s not too tired to play computer games is he?

Yes, you do. You clearly have no idea about depression and sleep issues. Luckily other posters on here are more informed.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 18/03/2018 14:37

Left to its own devices my body clock essentially reverses night and day and I can sleep for england plus a nap... haven't done that for years mind because of having to work and now because of having to toddler-wrangle. Interestingly enough it was a pattern that started in my early teens mainly because I had the autonomy to stay awake.

My point being that (if I'm going to be kind about it) just accepting his sleep pattern as 'just the way it is' really isn't good enough. I stand by the notion that no medication is going to solve this for your dp because mainly it doesn't sound like he wants it to be solved.

He has to get up at a reasonable hour to be tired at a reasonable time and then go through the process of just getting through the day tired.

From what you've described your toddlers sleep refusal shouldn't actually be affecting him at all since it sounds like dc is up and down when he's awake anyway.

You're toddler isn't going to be awake during the night like this forever. What then? What if you two have another baby?

MeadowHay · 18/03/2018 14:44

Tbh as someone who has struggled with sleep and is like your DP in that regard, I think to some extent it just needs to grow up and get on with. I'm sorry to sound harsh - I've had depression, so bad that I had a carer in every morning, social work involvement, was hospitalised etc. I know what that's like. I sleep badly also due to complications of being on the autistic spectrum, and I have an anxiety disorder that again disturbs my sleep and makes me very tired. Ideally I need 12 hours sleep a night too, but I don't get that other than on the weekends. I graduated in summer and moved straight into a full-time job, I was very lucky to get it so soon in the sector that I wanted to work in don't get me wrong, but then I was very driven too. I was terrified about how I would cope working 9-5, luckily we live very close to my work so it only takes me 20 minutes to walk there and I have a very minimal morning routine to maximise time in bed (although I do need some time to sit and have my breakfast as due to other health problems with my tummy I would end up in pain/vomiting if I didn't do that), but no time for makeup or fancy hairdos or anything like that. I am in bed my 11pm every night, sometimes more like 10.30pm, I get up at 8am and leave the house for work about 9.10am. It is a constant struggle but it just has to be done as I need to work and earn a living. I'm also now pregnant and still doing all that despite the fatigue and additional complications I've been having in my pregnancy.

I am exhausted all the time, and I would feel better getting 12 hours a night and getting up later etc. But in the real world that's not an option for most of us, health conditions or not, and we just have to find a way to manage. My DH is a full-time student on a intense, postgraduate course and we share the housework between us too. If you need lists to do housework, then you make lists, and do the housework. As I said I'm autistic and I do this, I have coping mechanism in place to work around my difficulties, it's what adults do. And we're about the same age as you and your DP too.

GrouchyKiwi · 18/03/2018 14:51

No problem, OP. And if you ever want to chat about it feel free to PM me. I'm in counselling for PND & anxiety at the moment and part of it is coming to terms with what my body can't do (I was diagnosed at 28 and having children has made it worse). It can be a long road to get to acceptance. Flowers

Allfednonedead · 18/03/2018 14:55

I know you aren’t looking for internet diagnoses, but your DP sounds a bit like a cross between me and my DH in some ways. We both have ADHD, him inattentive variant and me combined inattentive and impulsive. It might be worth reading a little bit about adult ADHD, because it doesn’t present like the traditional hyperactive child.
Having said that, the thyroid issue can also lead to a need for enormous amounts of sleep, so he should definitely get that sorted.
Best of luck. You sound like a lovely couple, both struggling with major health issues.

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 14:59

Allfed

It’s interesting you mention this. I was told I had inattention issues as a child (the executive functioning issue I mentioned earlier) and DP has an appointment to discuss it. I didn’t mention this as I know there’s stigma around it and didn’t want my thread derailed by people not believing it’s real.

It’s intetesting you picked it up!

OP posts:
IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 15:00

An appointment to discuss whether he has it too, that should say.

DP shares many symptoms that I do.

OP posts: