DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

[Tragicboozyflaccidclown]

Surely no healthy adult needs 12 hours sleep?!
Although I think as he’s your son, ultimately he’s your responsibility

[Didiusfalco]

I dunno, he gets up in the night, pulls his weight around the house, is generally a good guy and ds isn’t his? I’m not sure that’s so bad. I think you’d find some bio dads who do less - which is obviously shit, but you get what I mean? I think the night time waking could be awful for him but sometimes works in his favour? Do you help with night waking on a bad night?

[NorthernKnickers]

Again...how would you manage as a single mum? You need to change your medication if you aren't able to cope alone with your son whilst taking them. How would you hold down a job?

[IWantALieIn]

I just don’t take them until he gets up, but it means I’m in a lot of pain.

It does do my head in tbh, but he gets upset when it’s talked about because he says he genuinely can’t help it. It contributes to me feeling like shit if I’m honest, but what can I do.

[Avasarala]

He's your son, he's your responsibility. If you're partner is going to basically be his dad, and has agreed to be, then it's worth another discussion about shared care and mornings etc. Nevermind getting up with the kid, how do you have family days out if he's lounging in bed till 1pm?

Even if there wasnt a child, I couldn't stay with him - simply because of how lazy and slovenly it is to lie around in bed until noon. I can't stand it. So, for me, that would have been the end of the relationship as soon as I found out about his sleeping habits. You stayed, you must have been aware of this long before moving in together.

Another point - what if you have kids together? What will he do then?

[Gide]

Don’t talk nonsense, OP, of course you can take your meds. Do you have a high chair/playpen that dc can be left in, supervised, whilst you grab your tablets? I’m afraid that’s a ridiculous thing to say. If you’re so badly organised (you don’t do housework well?!) then get the pharmacy to dispense your meds into one of those daily dispensers, pop open blister pack, down them, done.

Your child is your responsibility, not your partner’s.

[OohMavis]

I would say the lie-in is his.

He gets up with DS in the night, you get up in the morning - that would be fair even if he was your DP's child, imo.

[ShutUpBaz]

It is your responsibility to get up with your child but he could do more. If he does the majority of the housework then I think this is fair

This. If you are both not working then this is fair.

How are you going to cope when you are both at work though? You won't see each other at all because he 'needs' 12 hours sleep a night? Will his job allow for 11am-1pm wake-ups?

[Spam88]

Sorry, cross-posted with you there OP. I think you need to see your GP about getting some medication that you can take whilst watching your son - even if it's not as effective as what you've got at the moment, it's better than not taking anything.

[IWantALieIn]

I dunno, he gets up in the night, pulls his weight around the house, is generally a good guy and ds isn’t his? I’m not sure that’s so bad. I think you’d find some bio dads who do less - which is obviously shit, but you get what I mean? I think the night time waking could be awful for him but sometimes works in his favour? Do you help with night waking on a bad night?

Yes he’s generally lovely the sleep is the only issue.

If DS is particularly bad then yes, I help.

[chipsandpeas]

And my medications knock me out and make me fall asleep, so I can’t take them when I’m the sole cared

well what would you do if you lived alone?

[IWantALieIn]

Don’t talk nonsense, OP, of course you can take your meds. Do you have a high chair/playpen that dc can be left in, supervised, whilst you grab your tablets? I’m afraid that’s a ridiculous thing to say. If you’re so badly organised (you don’t do housework well?!) then get the pharmacy to dispense your meds into one of those daily dispensers, pop open blister pack, down them, done.

DS can climb out of everything and is a high needs child. It’s the side effects, not the physical aspect of taking them.

[IWantALieIn]

I just wouldn’t take them, which leaves me in a lot of pain.

[snewsname]

Neither of you are wrong, you just need agree the way forward but tbh I'd leave it till his meds get sorted.

[IWantALieIn]

Nevermind getting up with the kid, how do you have family days out if he's lounging in bed till 1pm?

It’s hard. I have to plan them in advance and warn him about them, so he can prepare for less sleep. I don’t get to say “hmm what shall we do today!”

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I would struggle to get up at six in his shoes. He does all the housework for you, he gets up in the night when needed, I think you are being unreasonable. You have to do your share, sometimes that’s more of one thing than another. You don’t split the housework 50/50 so why should the mornings be split 50/50?

I do think he’s BU to sleep til one though, he needs to alter that sleeping pattern. Maybe a lie in til ten. As for your meds, talk to the dr. How is that sustainable? What if you break up with dp?

[IWantALieIn]

To clarify, I’m asking him to take it in turns on the nights DS sleeps through. Not on the nights DP has to get up.

[MarthasGinYard]

So what will happen when you are both at work??

[Gide]

I just wouldn’t take them, which leaves me in a lot of pain.

Then go to the GP and ask for a different prescription. Dear me, OP. You sound like you need to be more organised.

[pumpersnatch]

I think YABU. I'm afraid he's your child and your DP by your own admission is getting up in the night and doing most of the housework.
Neither of you even work?
What do you do all day? How do you live? Who is supporting you?
Quite frankly I'm concerned neither of you particularly seem to want to get up in the morning and see to the child but tough!! You need to grow up.

[ruleshelpcontrolthefun]

DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad

No he doesn't. A dad will plan his sleep around the needs of his child. Sleeping 1am-1pm when you have a child who is awake 6am-7pm isn't "looking after him like a dad", it's just swanning in and out when it is convenient. That isn't parenting.

[IWantALieIn]

Then go to the GP and ask for a different prescription. Dear me, OP. You sound like you need to be more organised.

I’ve tried dihydrocodeine, codeine, cocodamol, naproxen, diclofenac, codydramol, and take tramadol. What else do you want me to take?

[MsMarvel]

So when you take your medication after your dp is up, do you go back to sleep? For how long?

[demirose87]

Yes the child is not the partner's but if he's living in the home and taken on the role of dad, he knew what he was letting himself in for and responsibility should be equal. It's not going to work long term if he shuns responsibility for the child.

Having said that, I wouldn't begrudge him a lie in if he is depressed but he can't really expect to lie in if he's sat playing games til 1am.

[IWantALieIn]

No he doesn't. A dad will plan his sleep around the needs of his child. Sleeping 1am-1pm when you have a child who is awake 6am-7pm isn't "looking after him like a dad", it's just swanning in and out when it is convenient. That isn't parenting.

DP is a really good parent, to be fair. It’s just the sleep that’s the issue.