DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

YABU. Its not his child.

I have EDS and have regular hip and elbow dislocations as well as chronic pain. I manage to work full time with an hour commute each way and be a single parent. You need to be proactive and suck it up. I just take the meds, down some coffee and deal with the drowsiness. I chose to have DS it's my responsibility to care for him, no matter how ill i am.

With what? He doesn't do anything!

I did mention in my OP that he has depression. He’s got another drs appointment coming up to discuss thyroxin, but he’s results were borderline so we don’t know if he will get it.

'I happen to be a morning person, but am really surprised by how many people here don't seem to realise just how many services are available 24/7. A&E, contact centres, 999 operators, theatres, restaurants, TV, radio, DJs, allsorts....think about it for a moment.'

I've got a friend who is a night owl. She despises mornings and really struggles to get up. So she became a nurse (in the US, you can gets jobs with set shifts) and only works 'swing' shifts (late afternoon to around midnight) or nights.

My dh needs a lot of sleep. He doesn't have depression or mh issues or any health problems he's just very active when he's up and awake. He'll reguly nod off at lunch time or in the evenning.

It isn't his child so why should he be doing 50% of the mornings?

Then with the greatest of respect, it isn't his thyroid making him want to sleep for 12 hours. If it is borderline it won't be causing such fatigue. Get his b12 levels checked etc. How's his diet?

If it is borderline it won't be causing such fatigue. Get his b12 levels checked etc. How's his diet?

Usually it’s fairly decent. It’s not the best, but not rubbish.

'It isn't his child so why should he be doing 50% of the mornings?'

Because he's a man. On MN, if a man takes up with a woman who has children, he's supposed to become a parent - financially and in every way. Even his parents are supposed to treat the step child exactly like any children the man may have with his partner.

Expat

If you can't organise the housework without a clear list, how will you manage employment wise? I would assume a job that requires a certain level of qualification would also expect some initiative.

Because I’m good at my own field. It’s something that I understand, enjoy and is logical to me.

Slightly changing the subject, but honestly OP I would look to see if there are any alternative therapies for your condition.

I know alternative therapies are frown upon on mumsnet but I've just had a visit from my cousin who is a GP in England and, in her opinion, modern medicine is being run by pharmaceutical companies that are not interested in cures, preferring people to have chronic conditions.

I live in Mexico and here we all look around for whatever therapy will help our condition, be it homeopathy, naturopathy, herbal medicine, acupuncture or standard modern medicine.

There must be some therapy that will at least give you better pain-relief

Honestly? I think you're taking the piss. The boy isn't his. I think it's lovely you've created a blended family but a stepparent or in this case boyfriend simply doesn't nor should they have the same responsibility as a parent.

Sounds like you've rushed into this family setup without much thought regarding how it will actually work.

*There must be some therapy that will at least give you better pain-relief
I have considered accupuncture and may look into this again.

He has no reason to get up, because he has no job ! Does he spend 12 hours job searching/applying ? Can he volunteer to add onto his CV ? I was up at 6am to work a 12 hour shift today and I adjust my sleep accordingly. I have been into work when I'll due to sick pay and on medication. I think he is lazy !

I would write a clear list tbh. A day by day list of what you need to do. You can't just opt out of housework, especially when you are not working etc.

And I would give him a list. That he will get himself to the docs for a thorough workover. Start going to bed at a sensible time. Apply for suitable jobs. Etc etc. Otherwise you will drift along with a teenager, in effect. Albeit one who wakes in the night with your child and does your housework. If you did the night wakings would he get up earlier?

Who is prescribing the mega painkillers if you haven't been diagnosed?

He sounds very involved already considering your child is only a toddler. Is it really sensible to move him in as 'Dad' and have him doing so much care when if the relationship breaks down he has zero rights or responsibilities? Either way he is doing all the housework and all night wakings, I think that is plenty tbh. And I'm not generally someone who sides with men on MN!

I personally think you are being unreasonable in expecting you bf to getup to see to your son. If you were both the parents, then that’s a completely different scenario as you both chose to have a child, but that’s not the case.
If you were single (which you could well be) there’d be no one else there to get up to your son.
I’m really sorry and I know just how exhausting it can be when toddlers don’t let you ever sleep in, but your son is your responsibility and if you nag your bf to do his ‘share’ you may well end up completely alone.

In time your bf may well step up to the mark and be a fantastic stepdad, but for now I think it’s your turn to get up.

Is there any chance of your child’s father having him for an occasional overnight? (Sorry, I’ve not read full thread yet)

Who is prescribing the mega painkillers if you haven't been diagnosed?

GP. Been on variations of them since I was a teen.

I should add DP and I have been together since DS was a baby! DS’s dad fucked off before DS was born, DS has never known anyone else.

Fuck me, he's got it made hasn't he? Staying up til 1 or 2am, fucking around on the games console, lying in til midday, (doing fuck-all around the house, or to help his partner,) and blaming 'tiredness' and 'fatigue' on it all.

(wipes foam from summercat's mouth)

He does the housework, as the OP is apparently too shit at it.

Is there any chance of your child’s father having him for an occasional overnight? (Sorry, I’ve not read full thread yet)

He lives abroad and hasn’t seen DS for years.

I am surprised at the quite frankly nasty comments on here by some.

First, an adult needing 12 hours sleep is unusual and not really compatible either with working or bringing up children. He needs to sort that out by getting some medical help and maybe some counselling or therapy to help with his depression although not working and poor sleep habits can't be helping with this. I think he does need to force himself to adjust to getting up earlier or how is he ever going to hold a job down? Going to bed earlier will definitely help.

Re your medication. I think you will need to find some sort of way of managing this with your child. I find my granddaughter understands when we say we are going to sit down with a cup of tea and she will happily amuse herself if we are in the room. Admittedly she is not a climber but if your living room is as safe as you can make it there should be a way of you managing to take the medication and still keeping an eye on your DC. Parenting after all does need to be done even if you are feeling lousy. Getting better pain management would obviously help though.

I do think though that both of you will need to find a way of living with your health issues and bringing up a child and so far you seem to have managed this with your DP doing the bulk of the housework and you doing the bulk of the childcare. I think if you want him to help with early mornings so you get a lie in once a week say then maybe you need to help him with the housework. It is not difficult and I don't think you really need high functioning skills to know the washing needs to go on and the kitchen and bathroom need cleaning.

IWant, who is looking after your high needs child whilst your DP is in bed and you have spent several hours replying to messages on MN?

I think you're taking the piss massively.

He runs around and does all your cleaning and tidying, gets up with your child in the middle of the night and you want more?

I think the pair of you need to take a step into the real world.

My mum has taken him out today as the last two nights DS has only slept for three hours each and I feel utterly crap.