DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

Since you go to bed earlier then you could lay down with your DC then when boyfriend goes to bed he can move your child into their own room.

I would sleep with the toddler. He is likely to wake less and to be content a little longer in the mornings too.

So he's not sleeping for 12 hours - he's up with your son all night while you lie in bed pretending to be asleep and then needs to sleep in to recover. Maybe if you got up with your own son in the night he wouldn't need so much recovery sleep. You made it sound like he was a lazy arse but he really isn't if he is getting up with your son because you aren't

Honestly, I would be talking to your Hv about going on some type of parenting course. Presumably your dp graduated last summer? Why has he not got a job, any job, since then? It sounds like you all need a much more strucured routine.

hotcrossbunsandtea thank you for the kind words.

rookie thanks. I think earplugs would be a good idea, I feel a bit stupid for not considering it. I appreciate I get a lot of help and I feel really lucky to have a supportive family, I’m in a better position than some. It just gets to me sometimes.

Thank you I will look at the sleep threads.

So you've been together since DS 'was a baby'

How did you manage then?

How long have you lived together.

So DP has just finished uni, so you are both very young??

Maybe if you got up with your own son in the night he wouldn't need so much recovery sleep. You made it sound like he was a lazy arse but he really isn't if he is getting up with your son because you aren't

Have you read my posts? He sleeps for 12 hours regardless and has done since his teens. He doesn’t sleep until 1 because he gets up with DS. The reason he gets up with DS is because he refuses to do mornings.

You need to go and have your meds reviewed. It is a truism that workplaces will not take kindly to you not being 'with it' especially whilst you're in probation. What sort of work will you be going in to?

Your DP needs to get a job, no-one needs 12 hours of sleep.

Are you both receiving treatment for the depression?

DS and I used to live at my mums. DP would stay over a lot. Previously, I and my mum used to take it in turns looking after DS. My mum was a lifesaver when he was born, and we used to take it in turns with nights. I would do a Monday night, she would do a Tuesday, I would do Wednesday and so on.

Again, I’m aware I’m incredibly lucky to have had that. I was a young mum and most young mums don’t get that level of support. DS and I both are extremely close to her.

Are you both receiving treatment for the depression?

I am, he is not, but is attempting to get some.

Jesus Christ your mum has taken him for the day yet you still felt the need to start a thread moaning about the lack of lie in???

Thread is about whether I or DP was being unfair. Having read it, I think we both are a bit. He’s staying up too late, but I should ensure I sleep with earplugs so I can get up early.

Also I’m going to see about the meds.

OP I've read all your posts but might have missed it - why not set an alarm for 5am, take your medicine, and go back to sleep for an hour? Then you won't have the drowsiness issue when you wake up.

As for the rest... difficult. Like a previous poster I need a solid 9 hours of sleep to feel okay, more to feel really good. One of the main reasons I won't have children, or live with anybody who does. You can't do that when you have a child to look after.

The alarm is also a good idea!

"starting work soon"
How soon?

Are you both 21/22 years old?

What sort of work are you going to be going in to?

You really very deeply need to look at the treatment your receiving and also the future you want to have.

Can you also do some sort of pilates to help with the joint pain? Yoga, or light exercise? It will also help with the depression.

I think you need to learn how to be independent. You are a mother and a graduate now. Start thinking more about what you can do to improve your health and your son's wellbeing for the future.

Don't put your lot in with this man. If the relationship works then great but you're missing the wider point here; which is that you need to gain independence as a woman and a mother.

It seems to me that you are used to a very very high level of support and have come to see this as the norm and expect it. Your mum previously getting up every other night with your DS is very very generous and not the norm.

Your bf (who isn't your DC's dad) getting up every night that your DC is awake is very very generous and not the norm.

Your bf doing all the housework is also generous and not the norm.

I'm not saying any of this to condemn you, I just think that your expectations of support levels seem to be fairly skewed.

Personally I think you would benefit from living on your own with your DC for a while and learning to manage with a much more normal level of support. Then you will be better able to assess what you want and what is reasonable to expect in a relationship

'My mum has taken him out today as the last two nights'

Blimey

Yes Vladmir. I don’t want to say too much about my work in case it’s outing, it’s a good idea about yoga.

DP and I are committed to our lives together, so there’s not an issue there.

I agree @DeathStare. It sounds like OP has
come to expect an unusual level of support. Whilst I think it’s good you’ve had help when you’re struggling, you really need to learn to stand on your own 2 feet.

I don't think it's fair to say your DP sleeps 12 hours a night regardless if he's up in the night or not as you have not once said you do overnights at all. On top of that, he is up in the night a lot so you should be up in the mornings. I have taken tramadol myself and it didn't inpair my ability to watch my LO at all. Think you both need to realise that health issues aside you don't have it that badly and you both need to buck up to get things sorted.

I agree with a pp, that the sleep issue is likely to sort itself once he gets a job.

I haven’t seen if you’ve mentioned him working at all during uni, but it’s really hard to have a routine and a sense of urgency to stick to a routine if you haven’t had a job (for some people, before anyone chimes in ‘well I did it’)

I know when I was that age, I absolutely hated mornings, no matter what time I went to bed. Until I got a FT job (7am starts aswell) my sleep was all over the place. It took months of doing this shift, to get used to a routine.

I can see he has agreed to go to bed earlier. Do you think he would agree to get his 12 hours in 2 goes? So maybe some days, he could get up earlier on the agreement he can get a nap in later?
I know this still isn’t a long term solution, but you might find he doesn’t ‘need’ the nap, and it will get him prepared for when he does work.

As someone who had struggled with sleep for aslong as I can remember, it can be really hard to explain why you can’t help it.
I can go to bed earlier, but that makes little difference when my body wont sleep.

Sleep issues are different for everyone, as are other health problems and the way they affect people. I wish people on this thread could undertand that.
You shouldn’t have to document your entire medical history, so that people can understand why you struggle with housework, or why he can’t wake up.

As a side note, OP my DH has been on a lot of different pain meds, that you mention (not the same pain, but like you no diagnosis after 4 years). So I can empathise how much the different meds and lack of diagnosis is also taking its toll on you. Good luck, hope you get it all sorted.

Into thank you. A very useful and kind post. I too don’t really like people effectively cross examining me about my illnesses, it feels really intrusive. I haven’t been rude to anyone and I really dislike some of the nastiness I’ve received.

I will suggest the naps to him.

I agree being a graduate shouldn't stop him getting a job, any job...

Can people please stop thinking that because they didn't have a problem with certain meds that everyone else must be same?