DP wants a lie in every weekend

[IWantALieIn]

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

[jannier]

Bookangel......I DIDNT SAY YOU WERERE LUCKY TO HAVE CRONIC PAIN. I said you were lucky if you were able to have painkillers that worked sufficiently to allow you to take them carry on (pain or otherwise) and not be comatose. My sister has such a severe reaction its like she is drunk and has been treated as such when rushed to hospital after collapsing and the reaction making her delirious vomiting and appearing intoxicated. She now has tablets that do this to her or ones that just put her to sleep un-responsive for 8 hours and has to have an adult to care for her baby, as she too is a single mum who also has an autistic child. When not taking medication she cant walk make drinks or self care so every day is a choice between being conscious but an observer in a lot of pain or missing life.

[Bookangel]

@jannier yes I feel so lucky to have several chronic conditions that cause me pain every day resulting in the need to take strong analgesics when I am a single mum of 3 who doesn't drive and has to walk 5 miles a day just to get the kids to school. The drugs only ease the pain, they don't cure it so who the hell fo you think you are calling me "lucky" 😡

[Omgwtfbbq]

Just saw this post. I have hypermobility syndrome, am on Tramadol, had my two kids young (graduated pregnant) and struggle with chronic pain on a daily basis. PM me if you want someone to chat to :)

[jannier]

Bookangel

dihydrocodeine - people react differently to this drug and others. If I take it I'm fine but not much pain relief, if my sister takes it she's is between appearing drunk and comatose.
She is in permanent debilitating pain even with the meds and needs to make a choice of being asleep 24/7 or in crippling pain. She aslo has COPD so whilst taking the chemo drug(cant spell it so wont try) that inhibits arthritis she puts her self at risk of infection that could be life threatening and is still in pain. Not all pain is managed with the strongest of medication. What works for you may not work for others. YOU ARE LUCKY.

[Thinkofthemice]

Firstly see your doc and try to get off the combination of meds you’re on. Tramadol is hideous stuff and combined with codeine is a recipe for disaster. You need to get a definite diagnosis, referral to pain clinic and perhaps rheumatology etc. Right now it doesn’t seem like you’re getting effective pinpointed treatment for your condition/s and you’re so young - you may have to manage this for a lifetime, and you do not want to be on paracetamol for life, never mind codeine and tramadol.

Your partner needs to see a doc too and if I’m honest he probably doesn’t need 12 hours sleep. He may function best on it, he may feel shit without it, but almost everyone is functioning on sub optimal sleep levels. Ds woke every hour at least for the first 18m plus - we were utterly shattered - both working, no external help at all. No family help, nothing. It’s really hard but a lot of people just have to get up and do it - at least I had dh. God knows how single parents cope.

That’s not meant in a ‘stop moaning and get on with it’ way - it’s just the reality of parenting small children and working. I also had severe joint problems after my first which meant I was in a lot of pain and had limited mobility. It was very, very tough.

I think you’ve had some good advice on here. You have family help, which makes such a difference. You have a partner who engages with your son, so that’s good and both of you are graduates. It will be difficult to adjust to work and schedules with a toddler who doesn’t sleep (I remember the bone crushing tiredness well) but it can be done.

You may need to both adjust your expectations a little. Ds is now 2.5 and we are just getting back to the point of each of us being able to have a lie in now and again. We had to put hobbies like gaming on hold quite a bit while we dealt with the early years and work and we certainly didn’t bother about anything non essential - housework was minimal at best.

Get back to the GP and get pushing for a medication review and better diagnosis. That’s your start point I think. Good luck with it.

[pickingdaisies]

Hi OP, ignore the ignorant nasties, you came looking for advice, and other people have answered with better advice than I could give. But, for help with housework look at the flylady website, it helped me. Because I also am crap at housework for the same reason as you. Still intelligent though 😉

[Areyousureaboutthat]

It’s not like I’m not trying to get to the bottom of it. I already feel like I have to prove myself because I’m hindered by this, being told I’m not trying enough is a kick in the balls.
It is worth remembering (and I'm sure you know this already), but in the UK doctors don't generally push through to a definite diagnosis if you aren't continuing to question or push things yourself. I've seen this a number of times with family. So if your meds aren't working with your lifestyle, or you haven't got a treatable diagnosis, keep on at it until you do. Both of you.
(I am rather surprised that dp and his family have just accepted the 12 hours sleep thing since he was 13 though. None here sees it as normal so I wonder why it wasn't sorted earlier? It must have caused problems with attending lectures at uni?)

[MeadowHay]

I am with Mikesh. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope waking up early every morning for work, but then I got a job, and I had to, otherwise how would DH and I survive? (He's a full-time student on a very intensive course so limited opportunity for earning.) When you need to do something, 90% of the time you just find a way to manage.

[mikesh909]

I am not a natural morning person and I don't manage well on reduced sleep so don't think me unsympathetic to your DP. In my student days, 1am would have been an early bedtime. However, I think a lot of responses here have been quite indulgent. You know what helped me crack waking up early? Having to do it. Having a job which required a start at the beginning of the normal working day helped. Having a child who wakes up early like all toddlers do helped more. I have to wake up early, so I wake up early. Because I wake up early, I am tired come night time. These days I can barely keep my eyes open past 10.30pm. 3 days a week I am up at 6 for work and out the house before my partner and DD open their eyes. The other four days, I am normally awake naturally before either of them. There is no way I would have thought in my night owl days that this would have been possible, but it is. The reality is, it is extremely unlikely he has a medical need to sleep for 12 hours a day. Do such conditions even exist? It sounds like he is in what most people would consider to be bad habits but what are demonstrably incompatible habits with working or family life.

He needs to get a job. Forget the 'career plan' - this sounds like an excuse. Most people's careers start with a plain old job and one of those will do nicely to pay the bills. It will be a rude awakening but it is for everyone and he's unlikely to be able to force himself to adopt family friendly hours without the push of 'having to'.

Same for you really, the pain you have to live with sounds difficult but like pp have said, parenting isn't something you can switch on and off. I'm struggling along through a second pregnancy and where in the first one, I was able to lay on the couch when I felt overwhelmed with tiredness or nausea, now I can't do that as my one year old doesn't take care of herself. Earning a crust, keeping on top of housework and getting up in the morning are all part and parcel of parenting, as well as doing all those things when you feel like shit. No-one ever claimed it was going to be as carefree or easygoing as student days.

[VladmirsPoutine]

@cherryontopp Wind your neck in and RTFT.

[OutyMcOutface]

I think that you are a bit ungrateful here. Without him you would be doing this entirely alone you know.

[IntoTheFloodAgain]

@cherryontopp did you skip the rest of the thread?

[cherryontopp]

YABVU!

You have a partner who treats your son as his own, he works, does the house work and willing to get up in the night if your child wakes up...and you have the audacity to complain about him not doing getting up with your child?!
Your lucky that he does so much, he has no obligation to do anything with your son.

As for sleeping all the time, if he works, does his share of house work then is it a really big problem? If you think its a health problem then yes he should see the GP.

As far as your son goes, if you get up in the morning with him, your choice to have a child, not your DPs!

[Bookangel]

@pigeondujour I was referring to the gaming and insisting on lounging in bed when I said man-child. Should have made myself clearer. I think it's great he does what he does but my ex husband was like this and never grew up. Insisting on lie-ins and staying up til 1am gaming or going out with his mates and staying out all night. It's not the actions of someone who has chosen to be a family man.
@IWantALieIn when I saw low level skills I was referring to your inability to do housework and inability to organise yourself. I didn't question your intelligence. I don't need to.

[boboismylove]

@DeathStare I see

re. the housework thing, I understand some people are naturally messy and disorganised - I'm one of those people, but when I became a lone parent without practical support I became forced to adapt and at least do the minimum! I'm sure you'll do more as DP goes to work.

I also get a brilliant cleaner once a fortnight - 50 quid a month. Something to maybe think about in the future if you can afford it.

[DeathStare]

I'm really genuinely confused at the posters who think there is something majorly wrong here

I think the issue is that the OP and her DP currently have very few demands on them (not their fault at all) and the OP has a great deal of practical support from her DP and her mother, and is asking for even more support from her DP.

I think people are just suggesting that things may get even tougher when either the OP or her DP has a job (so more demands on their time) and her DP may well then have to cut back on the support he is already giving. The OP is going to have to find some way of coping with this.

[ArnoldBee]

My hubby has various medical conditions which to be honest means he shouldn't be able to get out of bed and with his medications is even harder. In a relationship this us difficult to cope with even more with young children however we adapted accordingly and are now thankfully at the stage where the children sort themselves out in the morning.
It's important to recognise that your dp may not being lazy but genuinely does need the sleep. So if that's the case how can you adapt?

[IWantALieIn]

Both of us lived at home. I have a lot of support from my mum, because she was unexplained pain too and understands. We both support each other.

DP and I only ever argue over minor stuff. Big stuff, we always manage to sort out. It’s quite unusual.

[boboismylove]

I'm really genuinely confused at the posters who think there is something majorly wrong here.

These are two people who presumably graduated from uni 6 months ago. One is doing a course, the other should be looking for work. This is incredibly normal - 40% are still looking for work 6 months after graduating. And their situation is made more complicated due to health problems and a toddler.

The OP has a supportive mum and partner, that's hardly her fault.

[FluffyWuffy100]

He’s doing loads of housework and night wakings.

It’s not even his child!

No way should he have to get up with the child as well.

[VladmirsPoutine]

I don't think @Bookangel is trying to stick the boot in. They are asking very valid questions. How have you both managed to cope in life thus far?

I do think both of you will be in for a shock once you both enter the real world. The squabbles you have now will seem meagre in comparison once you both get jobs and have to negotiate the working world with a child. Especially if you have a pre-existing condition for which the medication renders you 'out of it' for a couple of hours and him insisting on 12-hour sleeps.

[DeathStare]

For the sake of the relationship yes he should be helping and get up even if it is irregularly

In that case shouldn't the OP also take her share of getting up in the night with her DS? And split the housework?

[Babyplaymat]

But he obviously managed to get up, study, work through a degree etc, what has changed? Who did your housework etc then?

[MummytoCSJH]

For the sake of the relationship yes he should be helping and get up even if it is irregularly. I can see where the PPs are comign from as it isn't his son but if he treats him that way in everything other than this.. he can't just pick and choose what's convenient. You're either a family who compromises or you're not. Just wanted to add that I can't look after my son on tramadol either. Hugs OP I understand how bad chronic pain can be when dealing with a young child (and trying lots of different meds to combat it!) X

[IWantALieIn]

such high level needs and low level abilities

Both of us are intelligent and have plenty of ability, thanks. Take your rude comments elsewhere.