Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP wants a lie in every weekend

334 replies

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 10:08

Not sure who is BU here. He says me, I say him.

I have a toddler from a previous relationship, who doesn’t see his dad. DP is very good, looks after him like he’s he’s dad and is very good at housework, cleaning, whereas I am shit at it. DP is helpful, kind and generally wonderful.

However he sleeps 12 hours a day. He says he needs to and it’s not a choice. Therefore, he can’t get up in the morning. I harassed him to go to the GPs and his thyroid seems to be slightly underactive and he's got a follow up for that. He also has depression, as do I, but he says his sleep has been like this since before he was depressed.

Now here’s the issue. DS gets up at 6am. He sometimes doesn’t sleep through. We have the agreement that DP will get up in the night, because he doesn’t like mornings, I’ll get up with DS.

However, on the nights DS sleeps through, DP still thinks I should get up every morning because “he needs 12 hours sleep”. I said we should take it in turns, so one night he sleeps through, DP gets up in the morning, next night I do it, or vice versa. He says this isn’t fair because he needs his sleep and I said I’d do the mornings. I said but otherwise I get no benefit of DS sleeping.

I also have bad joints, and take prescription painkillers. In a morning, in the winter, my joints are stiff and sore and I can’t take my meds if I’m looking after DS alone.

Is he being u? He says I am because he does most of the housework and needs his sleep. I also think maybe I am because DS isn’t his son?

OP posts:
IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 12:40

Cornishclio thank you for the reply. I think you are right, in that we both need to address the medical issues before this can change. We manage but it’s bloody hard when I have a flare up.

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 18/03/2018 12:43

It does do my head in tbh, but he gets upset when it’s talked about because he says he genuinely can’t help it.

But surely he can help not going to bed till 1 a.m.?

If he can manage with less sleep when you go out for the day and thinks he will cope with working, he clearly can help it at least to some extent.

LillyputLane · 18/03/2018 12:43

He maybe can't help needing 12hrs sleep but he can help what time he goes to bloody bed!

I'm willing to bet he also expects you to keep DS quiet or take him out so as not to disturb his lie in too does he?

Also sounds like he only "volunteered" to do middle of the night get ups because actually, he's already up having not actually gone to bed yet!!!

I know he's your child but he's part of the package of you.

I usually roll my eyes when I see responses to posts like this saying LTB but in all honesty OP as it seems like your relationship is fairly new if I was you I'd be running for the hills, you don't need a toddler and a teenager in your life.

YANBU.

Frazzled2207 · 18/03/2018 12:44

I don't think not wanting to get up at 6am is unreasonable given that it's not his kid, he gets up in the night and is generally helpful.

However it is just not possible to have a full time job, help with children and jobs either side and sleep a full 12hours. Even without the kids element tbh. He might need some medical help but I think he needs to man up a bit if he thinks he's going to get a job.

ThickSn0ww · 18/03/2018 12:45

I think you should say to him, he has 6 weeks to get a job or he is out of the house and relationship. It seems that you need to spend time on yourself and your child, get a routine, improve your health and get a job. As I am older than your partner I have zero sympathy for young, lazy people. Many of my friends work more than one job and have caring responsibilities. This may sound harsh.

GnotherGnu · 18/03/2018 12:45

GrannyGrissle, what world are you living in that you think every graduate must be able to get a job as soon as they graduate? It's notorious that there are no guarantees whatever degree you take.

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 12:46

I'm willing to bet he also expects you to keep DS quiet or take him out so as not to disturb his lie in too does he?

I offer to do this, he doesn’t ask me to. I do try to take him out but it’s hard to do due to the coldness as it makes my joints much more painful.

OP posts:
mum11970 · 18/03/2018 12:47

If your dp does the nights then I take it he’s the one that should be feeling like utter crap now.

Booie09 · 18/03/2018 12:47

I meant to include he willingly stays up till 1am to get “me time” where he reads, goes on the PlayStation and stuff...then he doesn’t get up till in between 11 and 1
This would pee me off! He knows he needs a good 12hrs yet stays up till the early hours!! How old is he? Sounds like he needs to grow up.

specialsubject · 18/03/2018 12:47

havent read the whole lot - but this 'not his kid' staggers me. He has shacked up with a woman with a small child. The small child is part of the package. Don't like what is involved - don't move in with a parent.

is he going to minimise what he does for the kid for the rest of its life?

rookiemere · 18/03/2018 12:48

But OP I thought it was your DP that got up in the night with your DS?

pigeondujour · 18/03/2018 12:49

Because I’m good at my own field. It’s something that I understand, enjoy and is logical to me.

Which of those three doesn't apply to housework that means you can do one but not the other?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2018 12:49

I didn’t realise being a graduate made you less able to get a job.

Appuskidu · 18/03/2018 12:50

He has a clear goal, yes. He has a whole career plan

Well, that’s good. Is it something that is easy for him to get a job in? Has he been applying since June?

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 12:51

But OP I thought it was your DP that got up in the night with your DS?

DS didn’t sleep until 11. He kept jumping out of bed and climbing in with me, and it took four hours from his usual bedtime. He then kept waking in the night, and despite DP going to him, I still hear the noise and get disturbed sleep from it. I’m not complaining but he’s done this now for two nights close together and it’s made us both feel knackered.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/03/2018 12:52

Op why is your 3 year old doing that?

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 12:55

I have no idea. He fights sleep as much as possible. It is exhausting.

He has a bedtime routine of a bath, teeth, pyjamas. Then we have a cuddle, tuck him in, he gives me a kiss and he goes to bed. 5 minutes later, he gets out. He can open doors. On a good night this happens for two hours, a bad one four hours.

OP posts:
PineappleScrunchie · 18/03/2018 12:58

I don’t understand how your dp is getting 12hrs sleep if your 3 yr old is waking multiple times in the night more than half the week. It’s not surprising your dp is knackered.
Having disturbed night-time sleep long-term is a fucking killer. It’s much worse than having to start the day at 6. If I was your dp and you started whinging about sharing lie ins I’d stop doing all the nights.

Babyplaymat · 18/03/2018 12:59

Sounds like he probably isn't getting much sleep either. I would go to bed early with ear plugs. Let him deal with him while he is awake and then tag in.

IWantALieIn · 18/03/2018 13:00

What he does is he goes back to sleep, I get up with DS and then DP sleeps until 1.

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 18/03/2018 13:00

Not sure what his skill base is, but bar or restaurant work (including management roles) might suit his sleep pattern - the issue then would be whether they will give you any quality of life as a family.

sportyfool · 18/03/2018 13:00

He can help it , he can get different meds for his depression , get meds for his thyroid , do some exercise and go to bed earlier .. he needs to train himself by going half an hour earlier every night until he gets its sorted .
If you are going to get jobs he is going to have to sort himself out !!!

hotcrossbunsandtea · 18/03/2018 13:01

Before either of you get jobs you both need to try and fix your health issues as far as possible. Most jobs don't take kindly to people being off sick, especially in the early days/during probation.

Both of you need to go to the GP and get some help - a change of medication for you so that it doesn't make you drowsy, and your DP needs his thyroid checked and medicated if necessary.

It's just not viable to sleep 12 hours a day when you have a child. And okay, it's not his child, but he elected to move in with you and therefore be partially responsible. If he can't handle that responsibility he needs to move out because it's not making things any easier for you.

Until your health issues are stable it would be best if you didn't work - and I don't often say that but you have a young child and he won't be happy if his mum is too exhausted/in pain to care for him because she works.

Not all health conditions mean working is possible and there's nothing wrong with that Thanks

rookiemere · 18/03/2018 13:02

Ok few things then.

I was lucky as DS was a good sleeper, but have you investigated the Sleep threads to see if there is anything that can be done to support your DS sleeping a bit better, as that seems quite extreme for a 3 year old.

Secondly as its not you getting up to sorted, you need to find a way to sleep through it, maybe earplugs would help.

Thirdly perhaps the reason people are being a bit unkind - by the way it is possible to disagree with the OP without being judgemental about it - is that you actually seem to have quite a lot of help. You have a DM who does a lot of day care and offers weekend respite as well and you have a DP who does all the housework and night time wakings. To me it therefore does seem a bit much to expect him to do early mornings as well.

Booie09 · 18/03/2018 13:02

Just re read your post! And the title says wants a lie in at weekends!! So he can manage to get up for the other 5 days? As for your toddler not sleeping is he getting enough fresh air and exercise make him tired! Tbh you both sound really young and need to grow up a bit.