"We got here safely" (MIL vent)

[planetsweet]

That is the text I have just received from my MIL. Last week I got "SIL's doing that thing today" and a while ago I got "I managed to get it". I have no idea what any of these texts mean. I have a very good memory, MIL has not told me or DH anything about going out today or SIL's "thing" or "it".

This is a habit that she has, equivalent to one of those posts on Facebook where the child posts "There just no point anymore" and everyone is supposed to rush and ask for information. I think MIL does it for drama, expecting us to beg for information which I have done for years. DH ignores her which is why she texts me. I'm not doing it anymore.

This morning I just texted back "Great, have a good time" and now there is silence. I know she knows that I don't know what she's talking about but what can she do about it?

Have I BU?

It's nothing to do with being unkind. It's to do with dealing with a grown woman (not old) who (purposely) sends cryptic messages to make people text and ask her stuff. It's not normal. It is attention seeking behaviour designed to make the other person jump.

I have been "kind" for years. I'm not dealing with it in the same way any more because that way is tedious and has not improved the situation at all. In fact MIL has got worse. Sometimes even my asking "What thing?" doesn't get a straight answer, she holds back information and really makes you work for answers. I'm not going to do that anymore.

It's not an age thing. The majority of posters here aren't linking it specifically to age. (Except bitoutofpractice).

My DM has been doing a form of this since i was a teen. So her 40s.

Subtly different though ... she will ask me something without saying what about exactly.
''How did it go that Wednesday ...?''.
''What happened in the end with DD ...?''

I have a busy life and she knows i have a lot of info in my head at once and tend to chuck out the 'done with' stuff. I always end up looking and saying ''er ...... what? What on Wednesday?'' Then she'll say patiently ''the council, what did they say when you rang'' ect.

WHY doesn't she ask me what she wants to know ?!

My MIL is lovely but she falls for all the chain letter type stuff on FB and sends it on. I just ignore it! Still love her, though 🤣

I didn't say "old" I said "older". When your life isn't so busy and important and full of vital information, you might want to someone to show an interest in your stuff. It seems to me that she wants to have a conversation with you. Maybe she knows how little heed you pay to her (are you sure she hasn't told you this stuff and you've tuned out?) and it doesn't seem much of a hardship to me to humour her.

I stand by my comment that this thread is very mean spirited. My mom would be heart broken to read anyone saying stuff like this about her (sometimes inane) texts. So would I be.

If she wants someone to show an interest, she should try just communicating normally, instead of fishing for attention like this. Far from being a behaviour that is characteristic of older generations, this is how teenagers behave.

I have a very good friend who does it. Post on FB: "Guess where we are.", followed by a mobile phone picture of some whatever place.
"We did it!" "Feeling down today."
I refuse to react. She's a very nice person to have a conversation with but I don't participate on those threads.
My peeve hate. Fucking tell me where you are or what's going on, I broke my crystal ball long time ago.

One of the things I'm most grateful for about my husband is his family. I'll probably never be super close to them, but they don't do mad dramatic attention seeking shite like this. Get enough of that from my own mum (since I started ignoring it, she's calmed down a lot.)

Just use your words fgs. If you want to tell me something, tell me. I have two kids, a mad dog, a job, a home to run, I study Korean and go to another class. Sorry if I don't have the time or energy to fuck about trying to interpret what you're saying.

On the other hand, I do get it, cos I used to be massively insecure and probably tried to do this kind of thing too. But it's kind of pathetic when people never sort themselves out.

BitOutOfPractice You are just making things up!

"Maybe she knows how little heed you pay to her (are you sure she hasn't told you this stuff and you've tuned out?)"

I seem to have hit a nerve. Maybe you do this and now you are embarrassed?

My dad does this, there'll be a conversation going on and he'll look at his phone and gasp so people ask him what's wrong. Or he'll make a phone call and talk loudly so, again, all eyes are on him.

It's grating.

what a mean op

imo of course

whiskyowl Yes, this is how SIL's children post on FB. Full of teenage angst and drama. It is not how normal adults behave. MIL is a keeper of information and you have to beg for it. People stopped begging years ago. I continued to be polite, but no more because it has got worse and worse.

This indirect way of talking actually effects people's lives. The IL's lives are full of miscommunication and misunderstandings. There is no need for it.

This is what MIL wants to happen...
MIL "We're all going to the thing on Thursday"
Other person "Oh, what thing?"
MIL "The thing that SIL is having"
Other person "What thing is SIL having?"
MIL "SIL got her test so we are going out"
Other person "What test? Where are you going?"

And so on. I think it's called dripfeeding on MN. And in addition to the above, MIL is maybe even INVITING the person that she is talking to, but she won't say it, you are supposed to beg to go I think.

This is what actually happens...
MIL "We're all going to the thing on Thursday"
Other person - silence

And then they complain you didn't show.

What should happen...
MIL "SIL passed her driving test so we are going to celebrate on Thursday. Would you like to come?"
Other person "Yes"

I know someone that does something similar. A group conversation will be happening, and she'll be looking at her phone. Then she'll exclaim 'Oh wow' / 'That's really cool' / 'That's really funny'. Then look around expectantly waiting for someone to ask her what she's talking about. If no one asks, she'll repeat herself slightly louder. To begin with I took the bait, but now I ignore her. She's perfectly capable of saying, 'Hey guys look at what I just read', but she prefers to fish and make people chase after her instead. I find it quite rude, so now I refuse to engage.

My mum does something similar. She'll be reading a paper or browsing online or whatever, then her opening gambit is "oh that's funny isn't it?". Dunno why, but it drives me mad

I understand that others have got tied of it. I do not judge them. I don't think they are mean, I think they are tired. IT IS TIRING.

The "things" and "its" and "thoses" and "thems" and the tiny scraps of information are tiring. And if you try and second guess because MIL went to the thing last week and you worked hard and found out all about that and she tells you she's going to the thing this week so you assume it's the same thing, you're wrong. You're always wrong. It's a whole new thing that you are supposed to beg information about.

Haha my mil does this but only in conversation not via text.
Also there’s no malice she just doesn’t have any social skills at all.
She has a conversation with herself in her head then comes out with some random statement which you’re expected to understand.
Then she gets all huffy and indignant when you don’t have a clue what she’s on about.
Mil rings door bell
I answer ‘hello’
Mil ‘I can’t believe he did that to her after everything she did for him’
Me ‘erm who?’
Mil ‘tut! Henry the 8th!’
Me ‘eh?
Mil: blah blah blah history lesson on Henry the 8th ensues and she’s still on the bloody doorstep.

I’m not exaggerating this is how this woman feels a conversation should go and once she starts you can’t stop her. She doesn’t pick up any vibes that everyone is glazed over and agog. She gets stropier and indignant.
Christmas is fun.

planetsweet - I know exactly what you mean. I think it's annoying because it doesn't treat the other person in the conversation respectfully, as an equal. It sets up a dynamic that is one-sided, and that makes a big deal of the fact that one person has information that the other doesn't have, forcing the latter to work hard to obtain it. Since such asymmetries are a fact of life, it's incredibly irritating.

FIL does something similar. He never asks a question. He simply says "I take it that...." and then makes a statement. In combination with the rest of his behaviour, what it does is to establish a situation where he is the Grand Master of Universal Information and everyone else is an ill-informed minion.

I said "maybe" and "are you sure". Just asking questions and finding out more. Putting an alternative view. But You clearly don't like anyone taking a contrary view though do you?

I most certainly don't do this. And you accuse me Of making stuff up!!

Look, it's AIBU. You asked if YABU. I have said I think you are. Sorry if that goes against your view and I'm failing to validate you but that's what I think. You sound unkind.

Random replies.

The fish is in the kitchen.

Yellow.

Cartwheel.

I agree, BitOutOfPractice. I hate this Mumsnet thing about there being no need to be kind to or make allowances for anyone older than you, particularly if they are one of your dp’s relations. And that if someone is at all “needy” (aka hoping for normal human interaction) it’s OK to “have some fun with them” (aka treat them like shit) until they “get the message (aka bugger off)

BitOutOfPractice You said "I most certainly don't do this. And you accuse me Of making stuff up!! "

Yes. I said "maybe" too, to see how you took/liked it!

As you also said, "You clearly don't like anyone taking a contrary view though do you? "

I said the same thing yesterday BitOut in that to me it seems that MIL would like a bit of care and attention. Don't we all?

There are some mean spirited posters on this thread as well childish and petty.

If I didn't like contrary views I've picked the wrong thread here haven't I?

It's AIBU. I think YABU. That's all.

Like I say, I am clearly in the minority and you feel completely validated by this thread so happy days eh? Crack on!

FFS, it's annoying and childish behaviour. If someone wants care and attention this is not the way to get it. You are likely to get far more out of people if you don't make the smallest issue into an Agatha Christie novel that requires the skills of Hercule Poirot to get at basic information. Most of us don't have time or energy to spend our lives pretending to be fucking Columbo over SIL's get-together a week from now!

It's a good rule of thumb, for any social interaction, to treat your intelocutor with some respect and not to ask them to make all the running. They are far more likely to love and respect you in return.

If MIL were worried about wanting some interaction, she would change her behaviour. My 14 year old nephew is shy, he was told that he would have to make an effort to join in at school if he wanted friends. He did.

DH ignores her texts because he cannot be bothered to decipher them. I was "kind" for years. I probably made it worse because there was at least one person, me, who was jumping when she said jump. No more. I have joined the ranks of not doing it.