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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"We got here safely" (MIL vent)

339 replies

planetsweet · 18/03/2018 09:00

That is the text I have just received from my MIL. Last week I got "SIL's doing that thing today" and a while ago I got "I managed to get it". I have no idea what any of these texts mean. I have a very good memory, MIL has not told me or DH anything about going out today or SIL's "thing" or "it".

This is a habit that she has, equivalent to one of those posts on Facebook where the child posts "There just no point anymore" and everyone is supposed to rush and ask for information. I think MIL does it for drama, expecting us to beg for information which I have done for years. DH ignores her which is why she texts me. I'm not doing it anymore.

This morning I just texted back "Great, have a good time" and now there is silence. I know she knows that I don't know what she's talking about but what can she do about it?

Have I BU?

OP posts:
surgeryadvicepls · 19/03/2018 16:16

She sounds like an attention seeker, and fairly narcissistic in how she expects everyone cares/wants to know wtf she’s on about and decrypt her texts etc. She’s probably carried on with this strange way of starting a conversation as no one has really called her out on it. The best thing to do is just not entertain it, it will only get more frustrating from my experience as you’re feeding her ego. You go along with it to be nice but then you end up with more cringy texts and riddles, huffing when you don’t instantly understand, exhaustion and just a general feeling of piss taking from my experience

PNGirl · 19/03/2018 16:20

I have family members who do this. I actually think they genuinely believe they have told me about the tree surgeon coming to quote for the hedges but the first I hear about it is "So, we went with the second tree surgeon as he was cheaper." And then we argue for ten minutes and my mum realises actually she told her friend Jenny and not me.

surgeryadvicepls · 19/03/2018 16:24

BitOutOfPractice, if you don’t have experience of the situation at hand you can’t really talk surely? There’s a difference between an off text here and there (that you seem to be thinking about) to a bombardment of riddles over a period of YEARS and the attention seeking behaviour associated with it. As OP said, she’s like this in person too. You clearly haven’t experienced the extreme side of this sort of behaviour and how truly exhausting it can be. OP has already tried your method for years hun and it hasn’t worked out for her.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2018 16:25

I could write a fucking book about my exMiL though!

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 16:26

My MIL is a bit like this, but thankfully she only uses her mobile when travelling so I don't have to put up with texts. She's started to use email now, though, so that might change.

She likes to play guessing games, which I can't stand as I find it a bit juvenile. So I just refuse to play the game.

But in my case, my DH talks to his DM on the phone regularly so she doesn't normally hound me for attention. I actually ignore the landline if it's her (caller display) so I don't have to deal with her. We have an answering machine, so it's not really an issue.

I would follow your DH's lead and ignore. If you really can't stand it, you could even block her, as she would still be able to contact your DH in an emergency.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/03/2018 16:32

If you really can't stand it, you could even block her

Or maybe text her and ask her how she is or what's she has been doing, where she's been etc.

Kill her with kindness as they say. You never know OP someone showing her some attention might stop the annoying random texts.

Not that it should be you doing that, it would be nice if her son did it occasionally.

TyrannosaurusBex · 19/03/2018 16:35

God, this reminds me of one of the mums at school. DH was a politician at the time and she couldn't wrap her head around the fact that I was, er, not. Every frickin' day would go like this:

Acquaintance: 'Have you heard?'
Me: 'Heard what?'
Acquaintance: 'What? You haven't heard?!!!!!!'
Me: 'Heard what?'
Acquaintance: 'OMG I can't believe YOU haven't heard!'
Me: 'Heard what?'

Every. Bloody. Day.

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 16:36

That's what my MIL is like, @Effendi she talks endlessly about people we don't know from Adam (even DH doesn't know who she's on about sometimes), or about her elderly aunts who died long ago. Or about the war. Grin

My DM is aware she talks too much as well. She reckons it's what happens when people live alone and can go for days without seeing anyone. Both my DM and my MIL live alone, so she may well have a point.

stayathomegardener · 19/03/2018 16:38

Wow unless you have had to deal with this type of person on the phone or in person previously you have NO idea how tiresome it is.

Its not a conversation it may be an odd attempt to start one but really it is calculated to elicit a response and once you realise that you feel manipulated.

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 16:39

It seems she's tried that for a long time, though, @GreatDuckCookery and it hasn't worked. It's her DH's responsibility to respond to his DM's messages, surely? There's no real need for the OP to have to cope with those annoying texts.

user1485778793 · 19/03/2018 17:00

My MIL would send photos of her stubbed toe/bandaged kee/flakey skin condition No explanation, just the photo. Obviously trying to get you to enquire about her minor ailments.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/03/2018 17:24

My MIL would send photos of her stubbed toe/bandaged kee/flakey skin condition No explanation, just the photo

I find that really upsetting and sad. Someone who felt loved and cared about wouldn't need to go to such lengths.

TalkinBoutWhat · 19/03/2018 17:38

Aw, bit, how sweet, wanting to see the best in people. But i notice that its solely the MIL who deserves it, not the thoroughly ungrateful son and DIL......

TalkinBoutWhat · 19/03/2018 17:40

duck, seriously? Someone who loved and cared for their family wouldn't play these silly little games.

morningconstitutional2017 · 19/03/2018 17:42

Is she forgetful generally, maybe talking in riddles or has texted the wrong person? Could it be a bit of dementia? My late MIL often talked in riddles as she couldn't remember anyone's name - even getting family mixed up.

warmkitchenuser · 19/03/2018 17:44

As a previous poster has said does she live on her own? Could she be lonely? If she does have mental health issues she surely deserves a bit of support and kindness. A lot of very harsh people on here, you may well be a MIL yourself one day, lets hope you get better treatment.

chocatoo · 19/03/2018 17:53

I usually just send a smiley face or a kiss, or both to such texts.

CisPinkHoodie · 19/03/2018 18:01

OP

There's a behaviour, and there's your interpretation of it

You have repeatedly said it's not 'normal', which leaves your interpretation - that' she does it on purpose, and other's interpretation, that she does have some kind of early cognitive decline

You dismiss that out of hand, but it's not uncommon for early dementia (for instance) to go unrecognised. Or to be dismissed when questioned

It's not ageist to realise that the incidence of cognitive problems increases with age. And, conversly these kinds of issues can arise in people as young as their 40s

BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2018 18:01

not the thoroughly ungrateful son and DIL......

Well you said that talkin not me. I've said I realise it's annoying. I know it is. I've also said that a little kindness might go a long way. Is that really such an unreasonable viewpoint? It would seem that you think it is, along with all the other posters saying ignore her, block her etc.

I honestly have found this thread really quite sad

Penndragon · 19/03/2018 18:06

Sadly my mum has started doing this in last year but I think its a worrying symptom of increasing disconnect and confusion. We get these random snippets and I think she's having part of the conversation in her head....

Serialweightwatcher · 19/03/2018 18:07

OP has said that she was the one who was kind for years, getting into 'where are you?', 'what thing' etc and as she has explained every time another cryptic comment was made, she has therefore now had enough of it YEARS later, so she is not mean or ageist or anything other than fed up with the nonsense that has is obviously a game her MIL plays and has done for a long, long time Hmm

CisPinkHoodie · 19/03/2018 18:07

i understand you want to vent and don't really want to hear an interpretation that isn't your own. I do understand that. It is annoying. Just wanted to say that sometimes people are annoying for reasons they don't intend

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2018 18:08

@BitOutOfPractice I know I said that blocking her was a possible way of dealing with it. But that's because I think it's the responsibility of the OP's DH to respond to his DM's messages. If it is loneliness, then he does have some responsibility to be there for her. It's not the OP's job. If she can't cope with it then yes, maybe she should block her. It's her DH who needs to step up.

But the possibility of dementia shouldn't be ruled out. The OP won't tell us how old her MIL is, which I find odd (game playing like she's accusing her MIL of?).

BitOutOfPractice · 19/03/2018 18:16

@Lizzie48 I (and one other poster) are clearly the voices in the wilderness on this thread and I know the OP and one or two others have found that alternative view really very irritating (OP has decide to blank me, which is nice!)

FWIW I think even less of the OP's DH's behaviour. But either way I find it all quite sad

TalkinBoutWhat · 19/03/2018 18:27

bit, the situation is sad, but you're making it sound as though the op and her DH are solely responsible for it. The relationship an adult has with their parent is largely reliant on the parent and how they have acted in the many years before this. And its not just one person responding like thid, it' the op, her dh and his siblings. Yet according to you they're all wrong.

Poor op trying for years and not getting anywhere. I'd give up too.