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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To HATE my mother kissing my baby

280 replies

yadayadayesokay · 17/03/2018 15:53

My DD is 3 months old. I didn’t think I would have a problem with people kissing her and I generally don’t. We have had the usual large amount of visitors to come and meet and of course hold and kiss my DD. Not a problem whatsoever. But then it comes to my mother and I just can’t stand it. She doesn’t just kiss her a couple of times like other people, she will SMOTHER her in kisses constantly, all over. Hair, head, forehead, cheeks, nose, hands (which I particularly hate because they go straight in her mouth) opens up her onesie to blow raspberries on her belly, ‘eats’ her feet. I know there’s nothing out of the ordinary here but for me it’s just the amount that she does it. The kissing her all over her face all the time is how myself and my DP kiss her, as she’s our baby! I just wish she would calm down a bit. I suspect most others wouldn’t have a problem with this. AIBU?

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 17/03/2018 23:30

Hi OP,

My baby is 6 months and I know exactly how you feel.

What I’ve learnt about being a first time new Mum - don’t worry about being reasonable.

Don’t worry about what others think. If you are uncomfortable, say so. Bugger the response.

‘Mum, it makes me worry about germs when baby is kissed on her mouth and hands. Please don’t do that. Thanks for helping me with that.’

Don’t argue or explain. You’re a new Mum, you get to be pedantic and unreasonable until you find your feet.

You probably won’t sweat this this in a few months, you probably won’t care when it’s your second child. But right now you do, so speak your truth and expect compliance.

You are the ringleader of this circus. Control those monkeys.

GlitterGlassEye · 17/03/2018 23:33

My dm adores me, really worships the ground I walk on but she’s even said herself that the love she has for my dc is probably greater than her love for me, she can’t explain it. And they love the bones of her too so this kissing wouldn’t (and hasn’t) bother me at all. The huge drip feed changes things though. If she was abusive, why are you letting her near your baby?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/03/2018 23:44

I’m a grandmother as well as a mum of very small children.

I have a very close relationship with my grandkids, I do not and I never have felt the need to go over the top with kisses nor undress them to blow rasberries on their tummies because, well they are not my kids this does not mean I withhold affection or hugs or love it just means I don’t go over the top in a way that may unset the parents.

cds5163 · 17/03/2018 23:50

Your very lucky to have your mother's affection, you were her baby your baby is like her baby as well, I don't live near any of my son's grandparents and even if we did they are to frail to even hold him. It makes me very sad he may not get to know his family but we plan on taking him to meet them as soon as we can. Give her a break op she loves her just as much as you guys do. Oh and I'm sure your mother doesn't have herpes I would worry about other family members kissing the baby but your mother wouldn't harm your dd, I freaked when I read that article too!

pallisers · 18/03/2018 00:58

Your very lucky to have your mother's affection, you were her baby your baby is like her baby as well,

God, the sickly sentimentality about mothers and grandmothers is awful.

Did you read the bit about the mother being abusive to the OP when she was a child. Hope to god the baby is not "her baby" as well.

And even if her mother was a perfectly fine mother the OP is still allowed to dislike her mother compulsively smotheringly kissing her child as she describes in the OP - to the point her brother actually says "it's a baby not a lollipop". That some of you would like it or even do it yourselves as grandmothers is irrelevant to the OP. SHE doesn't.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 18/03/2018 02:37

your mother wouldn't harm your dd

Why do you assume this? She abused her own dd. Not to say she will hurt the op’s baby, but it’s incredibly naive to declare that the gm is harmless simply because she’s a gm.

AllNamesTakenhell · 18/03/2018 03:51

Are people saying this crap just not reading the thread and looking at the updates from hours ago? Or do they put parents on such a pedestal that abusive means 'you are lucky to have her affection'????

Original poster
yadayadayesokay · 18/03/2018 04:24

I didn’t initially mention DM being abusive to me as I wanted to gauge how people would feel without this being a factor. DM is now like a different person to the woman who raised me, she was young and very angry and under difficult circumstances when she raised us. Not to excuse the abuse, but she is now the polar opposite & very loving and supportive and I’m certain she wouldn’t mistreat DD or she wouldn’t get anywhere near her.

Thank you everyone for your replies, some of them have made me laugh and a lot have given me food for thought. And thanks to those of you who have stuck up for me and argued on my behalf Smile

I’ve taken all into consideration and decided that I will have to say something about it. No, I won’t ban her from kissing DD but I will have to think of a way to ask her to stop going (what I consider to be) OTT. Now to figure out how to say it nicely!

OP posts:
cds5163 · 18/03/2018 06:33

No I didn't read that she has been abused by her mother as there are 200 plus comments, just offering perspective from reading initial post. Maybe her mother is smothering kissing her child to make up for what she didn't give to her own child, it seems like her mother means well by the affection she shows and I'm sure if op thought her mother was a threat to her dd she wouldn't let anyone near her, I wish I was as lucky to have my mother even hold my son butI think everyone craves love from their parents and sadly even those of us who have been abused by them.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 18/03/2018 07:19

OP. Regardless of anyone else's view, if you're not happy with your baby being slobbered over, then you're not happy.

Don't force yourself to like it because it suits others. Do something about it.

AllNamesTakenhell · 18/03/2018 07:30

Hopefully your mum will be who you want and think she is Giant. If she reacts ok or if she gets furious and nasty, that should tell you.

If you think her abuse could be making you uneasy with the kissing, be it her overcompensating or perhaps rewriting history, perhaps consider talking to someone about it Flowers.

AllNamesTakenhell · 18/03/2018 07:36

With so many posts it is worth reading updstes cds. Giant could have already spoken to her mum by now...

I am sorry that you dont have a mum to hold your family, but that doesn't mean that Giant or anyone else should accept behaviour from their parents that make them uncomfortable. And many abused children do grow up and allow abusers and toxic parents close again, even if they show signs because they are deep in the FOG. Believe me I know about that.

AjasLipstick · 18/03/2018 07:40

My MIL was like that and I honestly wanted to lamp her. Blush

I think it's some weird hormonal, animal reaction...some deep seated base instinct.

It goes away after a bit!

Aridane · 18/03/2018 07:57

I wouldn’t suffer my children, now or as babies, being kissed by anyone. It’s quite gross.

One of the sadder posts I’ve read on Mumsnet

NoKnownFather · 18/03/2018 08:00

Sorry, but I think you need to bite your tongue a bit harder. Be grateful your DM loves your baby so much.

Roussette · 18/03/2018 09:01

One of the sadder posts I’ve read on Mumsnet

Agreed. Do Mum and Dad kiss baby or is he/she kept in a bubble away from pesky germs that are so obviously passed on by a gentle kiss

Gottagetmoving · 18/03/2018 09:36

Bloody hell, so many people obsessed with germs!
You do know a baby has to develop a strong immune system?
They don't manage that by being kept in a sterile environment and never being kissed.
The more contact a child has with others the stronger their immune system develops.
I think many people have lost natural instincts where babies are concerned.
Mothers and grandmothers used to often suck their child's fingers if they were sticky..They would spit on a cloth and then wipe a child's face...Ok, we may have wipes now, but there was nothing wrong with the way mothers used to do it.
It's so sad that women are growing up petrified of germs and being so overly protective and possessive with their babies.
That attitude is probably more harmful

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2018 09:42

Nobody has said people shouldn't kiss babies. Cuddling and hugging them, playing with, making them laugh, kissing their cheeks or head is more than enough to show how much you love them.

No need for all the dramatics.

Roussette · 18/03/2018 09:53

Lots of people on this thread have said NO to kissing babies!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2018 09:58

Have they. They must have been lost due the majority of posters saying it was absolutely fine and so lovely that grandma loves the baby so much Hmm

Gottagetmoving · 18/03/2018 10:09

Amazing how kissing is exaggerated into 'slobbering'
It's sad people are uncomfortable about a grandmother kissing their grandchild. It's sad a child has to miss out on experiencing the love showered upon it because of a fearful parent.

SharronNeedles · 18/03/2018 10:14

I always kiss my son, blow raspberries, eat his feet etc and he's 1!
My parents did this with me when I was a baby and ive managed to survive. Perfectly happy for them to do this with my son too.
I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and they have a great relationship with my son. My in-laws are the same!

It's a bit morbid but if anything were to ever happen to me or DH I want my child to know that he is not alone. He is loved.
In my view, a close bond with grandparents is vital.

I read somewhere that a child should have 8 'contacts' from their parents each day, I actually laughed becuase I couldn't imagine only touching my child 8 times a day!

Gide · 18/03/2018 10:16

Jesus, the OP did not say slobbering/salivating over the baby, calm down, those of you projecting! I too would be pissed off with this. There’s a limit, fgs.

It sounds like granny is way over the top and the important bit is that it’s pissing off the OP, whose opinion counts, given it’s HER baby. If she’s not happy, she should gently be telling her mum. It does sound excessive.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/03/2018 10:17

You can still have a close bond with lots of physical contact without kissing them on their mouths and all over their face.

Why is everyone ignoring that?

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 18/03/2018 10:29

The exaggeration is going both ways - some of those who empathise with the OP have used exaggerated language, but those who empathise with the grandma here are just as guilty of rewriting the op -
the grandma is not simply kissing the baby, she is being incredibly over the top, multiple times per day, undressing the child to blow raspberries on its stomach (not at a time when undressing the child is happening anyway, such as bath time, but opening the babygrow purely because she wants to, and kissing the child on the mouth).

What the op and others dislike is no closer to just a normal grandma kissing a baby than it is to slobbering.

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