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Original poster

Changing rooms - who was unreasonable?

299 replies

Loobyloomicles · 16/03/2018 17:16

Not the 90s decorating programme, but a question about boys in female changing rooms.

My 7 year old nephew regularly goes to swimming lessons, my Dad (his GF) usually takes him but the other week my Mum (GM) did instead. After swimming, mum took nephew to the female changing rooms as there are no family/unisex ones. He was having a quick shower post swim, mum was just round the corner getting his towel and clothes and heard a woman telling him off, asking why was he there (to which he replied 'Grandma told me to!') and that he was 'a naughty little boy' to be in the girl's changing rooms. My mum went straight back and got a mouthful off the woman, who was going on about how inappropriate it was.

My mum was angry that the woman had upset my nephew, rather than taking it up with her first. However, she felt bad about him using the girl's shower. She has decided that at the moment she will continue to use the cubicles in the girl's changing rooms if it's just her but will not get nephew to have a shower.

So who is being unreasonable here? Personally I think it's the leisure centre - for not having a family changing room/shower but I also feel that the woman was being a bit oversensitive, especially when considering that my nephew looks really young for his age (often gets mistaken for a 5 year old).

OP posts:
SweetMoon · 16/03/2018 20:33

The woman was unreasonable for shouting at a little 7 year old child.

A 7 year old is fine in the woman's changing rooms. I certainly wouldn't send him to the men's to get changed on his own. He is a little boy.

Do people shower naked in communal showers after swimming? I've never seen that, I've only ever seen them in swimsuits when showers are open. But regardless, he's 7 ffs.

NotTheFordType · 16/03/2018 20:34

Boys are going to stare at women’s private parts and that is a problem

So do girls, IME.

Family changing rooms are the way forward and when my DS was younger I used to drive us to a swimming pool 30 minutes away because the local centre didn't have them.

notangelinajolie · 16/03/2018 20:35

I would say yes to the girls changing room as long as he is accompanied and and gets changed in a cubicle. I don't see the problem with that and it much safer than sending him of to the boys changing room on his own. Not so sure about the showers - I don't think he should have been left on his own in the showers. Sorry, your son had to go through this - the woman sounds demented.

Geography999 · 16/03/2018 20:35

My son is 8, it wouldn’t cross my mind for him to go into the men’s on his own. He is perfectly capable of changing himself, but he would lack the confidence to negotiate the lockers, cubicles etc on his own. If it was totally empty he might manage, but with men strutting about he would definitely panic / feel awkward.

We usually go to a pool with family changing, not sure what I would do if faced with an age 8 limit. Seems that no option is ideal, my son would be very stressed by going in on his own whilst me and his three sisters all got changed together!

NinjagoNinja · 16/03/2018 20:39

What's family changing? Is it communal changing for anyone with children? Gosh, I'd hate that. Men and women together?

Growing up we had a lovely pool that had cubicles along the side of the pool. Singles and doubles. You just went into a cubicle with your mum or dad. They weren't marked male or female. There were showers at one end of the pool but they were only for rinsing off - no washjg or removing of clothes.

Good system.

hazeyjane · 16/03/2018 20:41

If you are that prudish then don’t change in a changing room where the rules allow 7yo boys in

Okey dokey, I'll let dd1 and 2 know that at 11 and 10, they should stop being so bloody prudish and crack on...oh and could they please try and be a bit more German or Scandinavian in their attitude.

Dipitydoda · 16/03/2018 20:46

What the hell, there’s no way I’d be sending my 6 year old on his own to get changed in the other side if the building. Why would I let a small child wonder off of their own in a building full of strangers? Our cut off is 8. I would say anything pre pubesnt is fine, but will obviously respect the 8 cut off. The woman quite frankly was being stupid.

PorkFlute · 16/03/2018 20:55

Or maybe hazeyjane as their parent take them to a pool with cubicles where the pool rules won’t be problematic for them. If that’s not possible and they want to swim then they need to accept the changing room policy of the pool they go to like everyone else!

Teaformeplease · 16/03/2018 21:01

I understand the dilemma but I wouldn't want my 7 year old daughter changing with boys her age who she might be at school with or see in other social situations. Not sure if I want to change with them either to be honest.
Equally if I had a son I wouldn't want him in the male changing room by himself.
Individual cubicles are obviously the best but not every pool can accommodate them.

MacaroniPenguin · 16/03/2018 21:20

What age would you have as a cut off hazeyjane?

TheRedHatofPatFerrick · 16/03/2018 21:48

I'm sure most 7 and 8 year old boys don't want to be seen naked in front of their peers either. It doesn't seem fair that they should be sent off on their own to get changed with strangers though. I think large family cubicles work best for things like swimming lessons.

ElenOfTheWays · 16/03/2018 21:50

And I’d say toddler girls are much more likely to be staring and mentioning boobies than a 7yr old boy who would likely have enough social skill not to.

You haven't met many 7yr old boys, have you? Grin

hibbledibble · 16/03/2018 21:52

My 7 year old girl is obsessed with boobies. It's not just boys!

PorkFlute · 16/03/2018 21:54

I’ve got a 7 yr old boy! They can’t be simultaneously too immature to behave appropriately in the ladies changing room and fine to change in their own in the mens!

Xeneth88 · 16/03/2018 21:55

Look at it this way then, would any of you be happy with your 7 year old daughter showering in front of men in the men's changing room with her father? No and I suspect many men would be uncomfortable with that. This is no different

Yes I'd be fine with it as the vast majority of men aren't disgusting paedophiles and would pay no attention to a young child showering. Get your brain out of Daily Mail mode you weirdo.

IMBU · 16/03/2018 21:59

8 seems really young to be on their own in the men's changing rooms when you think of all the weirdos there are around. It would put me off taking my son swimming if there's no other option.

namechangerbob · 16/03/2018 22:05

Wait, there isn't individual cubicles everywhere? When it's male/female, do you just have to get changed in front of others and shower with nothing on? Hmm

woodhill · 16/03/2018 22:07

Why can't people rinse off and keep their costumes on. I would never strip off in a public shower with no door or curtain

hazeyjane · 16/03/2018 22:12

What age would you have as a cut off hazeyjane?

I don't know!

But I do know that I hate it when this turns into an argument about women and girls being prudes, when in fact it should be an argument about better facilities for both sexes, parents, family groups and disabled people....without one group (and it is often the female group) having to shove up and make room.

And yes, I do have a 7 year old boy as well as 2 girls.

PorkFlute · 16/03/2018 22:16

It’s not about females having to shove up its about whoever isn’t comfortable choosing to go elsewhere. There are a lot of 7yr old boys who may feel uncomfortable in the ladies but aren’t mature enough to go in the men’s. So they have to choose whether to get over it or use a different pool. Not all have room for cubicles. If anyone doesn’t like it they can take their money elsewhere.

ShotsFired · 16/03/2018 22:18

@hazeyjane But I do know that I hate it when this turns into an argument about women and girls being prudes, when in fact it should be an argument about better facilities for both sexes, parents, family groups and disabled people....without one group (and it is often the female group) having to shove up and make room.

This x 100.

Also it does feel like there is an element of the parents posting forgetting that other people don't spend their lives being accompanied to the toilet or bath or getting dressed with an audience of their children. So you are used to it and you know them and you are past it being an issue.

But for other paying customers at the facility, we are not used to audiences and in changing rooms we just like to get on with it, not be watched by a random pair/s of eyes, however innocent it is (I have had it too, a boy of about 8 staring at me as I struggled to get changed under a too-small towel).

So it's fine for you, but not everyone else.

JaniceBattersby · 16/03/2018 22:46

My seven year old boy is very tall for his age and looks older so, to avoid embarrassment for him and the girls who are there at the same time as him, I’ve had to send him into the men’s changing rooms alone. It’s at swimming class time so although it’s a risk, it’s a calculated one because there are other people he knows milling around and there are usually parents in there.

Yes, I was worried at first but he’s been fine and very sensible and has acted in a more mature way than I would have expected. I’ve spoken to him at length about what to do if he’s uncomfortable with anyone there or how to call for help but ultimately, I just have to hope that he’s ok because that’s all we can ever do really.

LittleOwl153 · 16/03/2018 22:49

This is one of those no win situations. Ideally all changing should be fully cubicles but to insist on this will simply close older facilities as there is not the money/space to convert.

I have a 4yr old ds, who I have been asked why he isnt in the boys changing room!?! He is not school age (This was for a daytime swim class) - there is no way I could send him in to get changed alone. But I agree he is as likely to stare at the 50+ ladies whose session is before his. Because everything is interesting at that age! To be honest my 8 yr old dd is as likely to stare and gets shoved in a cubicle if one (of the 2 available) if free - simply because it speeds up the process of getting her changed. She is capable of going alone and does so when she swims just with her dad - but that is a very recent thing so I think 8 is a tight cut off in that respect. But I also understand those without kids who just what to get changed in peace...

In the op's case though the most the woman should have said to the child was where is the adult responsible for him.

TheRedHatofPatFerrick · 16/03/2018 23:14

Some posters seem to think that if you are female and are taking a boy swimming then at some pools you should simply stop doing this once they reach 8 due to the changing rooms available. Really?!!

Sn0tnose · 17/03/2018 00:29

well she's lucky she can still talk cos I woulda knocked her teeth out talking to my nephew a 7 year old like that! That's the way Aries. Teach your 7 year old nephew to forget about learning to deal with conflict like a normal sane person and that the way to deal with women who are saying things you don't like is to punch them repeatedly in the mouth! Well done you!